Chương 36: Chapter Thirty Five: Spaghetti Sandwiches, Beer, and Wine

Upon arriving at my quarters I was punished with writing down the virtues of a noblewoman ten times and Freesia took away my snacks. Woe is me. After that, Niathe became busy with outside affairs and left me alone with my staff. I suspected she was still peeved because I blurted out what I was thinking again. It's something I'd grown out of in my first life but apparently it's reared its ugly head once more. Old habits die hard. And so do I. Nanny has been correcting me for that.

Occasionally I'd have lessons with Lady Anne a few times a week but other than that. I was mostly left alone. Everyone was busy with something. Erichean was training to be the next Duke with Father and his aides. Harleen was attending the Imperial Academy more often but she often sent gifts to my room. One time she even sent me precious magenta fox fur from the Adronic Empire. Hidden underneath its fur were thirty gold coins as well. Talk about the best sibling ever.

I sent her some perfume, fabric, and a drawing I had made during my art class. The triplets however were often thrown into the barracks by their mother. Which makes me feel a bit better about my hectic schedule. Sometimes they snuck out and send me small trinkets. Like a slingshot! Nanny confiscated it after I broke a vase but still, it was nice of them. And Eris… She is not my biggest fan right now for reasons unknown.

So I've resorted to spending my days in the library or attending whatever lessons Nanny has planned for me. Over time she's increased the difficulty of her lessons from simple mathematics and literature to accounting problems.

"Nanny, I think I should get another tutor." She pauses reading from the couch in front of me. Her gaze moves from the ledgers to meet my concerned eyes. She hides it well but I can tell this is all taking its toll on her. She works nonstop every day to instruct, grade, feed, and manage my staff. Then she prepares my clothes and other essentials like oils for my daily baths at night. She's bone tired and I can't let it go anymore.

If I have to continue my studies I should learn with another teacher so she can rest and focus on her actual duties. She regards me for a moment and I almost break out into a sweat from the way she looks right now. Then she knowingly closes her eyes and sighs. Gently she places the papers onto the table in front of us and stares into the distance. She lifts a hand to take a sip of the wine next to her and I stiffen. It sloshes in the cup and the ornate finely crafted wine glass turns into a silver and red can.

The couch creaks as she leans back and gulps it all down. I stand behind that brown leather couch and watch as the liquid leaves the can and enters her mouth. The TV flashes and she turns around.

"You're here."

"..." My chest heaves and my mouth remains sealed despite the way my mind is buzzing right now. Cloudy hazel eyes study me curiously—a spark of something in them that lights a candle in mine—and then dismiss me. She settles back into the couch. Leather crinkling and making uncomfy noises. Support the creativity of authors by visiting the original site for this novel and more. Then nothing. She continues drinking and I just leave. To do dishes and clean up the rest of the house.

Trash, food wrappers, pill bottles, and those silver-red cans that never leave her hands. Unless she replaces it with a real glass. She says lowly from the living room.

"Get me another from the fridge." Squeaky scrubbing slows to an uneven pause leaving me off kilter. My body moves on autopilot as my brain catches up, to remove the yellow gloves pruning frostbitten fingers, step around the recently filled bulging trash bags without looking down, and get her the only thing in her fridge. More. She needs more. I should cook for her before I leave. If I leave it on a shelf in the fridge she'll eat it. I think I saw a stale box of spaghetti in the cabinet.

I crack open the can of beer and hand it to her from behind. She nods in thanks and continues watching some re-run of a Christmas Special. Boiling the spaghetti and the cleanup afterwards is easy. I had a little myself with hard white bread from the neglected pantry before I took out the trash and set my sights on my room. The walls are painted in a peeling-off white and pink that I chose when I was just a girl. A tear slides down my face as I touch the little grooves in the door where he used to measure me.

Where—"Miseria!" Mom—No, Freesia shakes me with both hands. Her glass was forgotten and probably empty on the table. I raise my gaze to meet hers. Tired red eyes bore into my own and my mouth dries out. Hot wet tears trail down my face and I feel empty. Until the shame and rage start to boil within me. Then I have to choke it all down like stale spaghetti and bad bread.

"Perhaps you're right. Let's put a pause on your studies temporarily. There's no need to feel sad. It's alright." Her warm hands pick me up and bring me to sit on her lap while she embraces me. I hide in her arms while my eyes sweat without my permission. She holds me like that until I've soaked her dress completely through and fallen asleep. Tired from the onslaught of a memory I had no problem forgetting. The tears continue even after I've left reality behind.

"Ria?" My tears continue to fall even after I've entered the space. Penguin questions me and I can't muster the words. I can't even begin... to describe this feeling that's burning me alive.

"Ria?" He pulls at the plain white dress that miraculously appears on my body as soon as I enter the space. I lock my jaw and keep my eyes forward. Then I walk away from him and towards the house. Little pitter patters follow from behind me and annoyance bubbles to the surface. I ignore it all and go towards the house. I walk past fields in bloom and livestock that freeze in place as I pass them by. Everything I get close to withers slightly in my wake and I don't care.

Stomping up to the house and nudging the door open to see my thirteenth reason. Plates are abandoned on the table and there are pieces of fabric strewn all over. Dishes haven't been done and it's a mess. Everything is a mess. It's all a mess! The plates were lifted from the table and smashed against the wall. I take deep breaths through my nose and try to cull it. Suppress the emotions that were always so easy to kill before. Why is it so hard now? I move past the living room and towards my room.

The goats aren't here and I pull back the covers to make sure. Good enough. I climb in and make a home in the blankets. Pulled over my head and shielded me from it all. I'm not even there anymore and I'm not going back. So stop it. Stop crying. Stop being so pathetic and weak. I don't want to go to sleep. Yet I don't want to be awake either. So I'll stay here. Stuck in between both. Far from wine glasses, Christmas Specials, and beer cans. I feel like throwing up.

"Ria. I see that you are distressed—""Leave me alone."

"I don't think—""Out."