Chương 72: Chapter 70

Eri carefully pulled the doorway open. In this case, his earlier harassments of Wade's house had taught him how to be more gentle with things, and how durable plastic actually is. So opening the doorways did not incur property damage, which made Wade realize he'd been holding his breath for a moment there. The one-skeleton-in-a-trenchcoat stepped cautiously through the doorway, then froze. His masked head swiveled left and right, examining the narrow hallway and overhead lights.

Then the head looked up and down, and back to Wade. The heck is this? Where is the blue ceiling that went for miles up I saw out the window?

"Sorry, should've mentioned I live in an apartment building." Wade said, closing and locking the door behind them.

"This is just the hallway." Eri tilted his head, the inkblot mask somehow conveying confusion despite being expressionless. That was working oddly nice in a way. Somehow more understandable than when he was just a skull? Huh. Or was that his blessing of translation working in the background? He went through the basic definition of apartments and Eri listened on, clearly curious as they both started walking together down the hallway.

"So, in brief, each of these doors leads to someone else's home. Don't go knocking on their doors, that would force us to be social." Eri raised a hand and made it level to the ground then up and down a few.

"We're on the third floor, so we've got to go down to get outside where the sun is." The skeleton squared his shoulders, nodded and pointed toward the end of the hall a few times over.

"Yep, that'd be the way out." Wade said, walking past and motioning him to follow.

"We've got two options, stairs or elevator. Elevator's faster." The heck is an elevator?

"Right…" Wade stopped, thinking.

"This might be a bit of a problem if I explain everything to you, because there's going to be a shitloads you'll ask. Society here on Earth is probably night and day different from what you're used to." Like to the point even ' night and day' might have some culture shock to it. And if he stopped to explain it all, someone would overhear and start thinking of them as crazy. How to fix that before it became a problem? He turned to Eri, "You can understand this, right?" That was in pure Nathir.

Eri nodded, understanding. But there was another issue. Nathir was a harsh guttural language that sounded more like chant or a hymn, except… evil? Definitely evil. Who the fuck were the Nathir to come up with a language that just sounded evil? Hell, when Wade thought back at just asking, he realized what he'd actually said was more like, 'Dumbass, can you even understand the power in my words or are you too weak to get it?' Nope.

Wade felt more like the language itself was going to corrupt how he thought and spoke in general if he kept speaking it.

"Nevermind, how about you try sign language?" What sign language? Eri asked, tilting his head to the side. All he was missing was being able to raise an eyebrow in question, but the mask somehow conveyed that.

"Uh, you know. Sign language?" Wade tried to mime moving his hands in the ways sign language worked. It didn't work. He didn't know a single sign. Huh. Was Market's Blessing not capable of doing sign language? But it showed him all kinds of nuance with body language. Or did it have to do with how his blessing was triggered vocally? Eri and him tried a few different permutations as they made their way to the only functional elevator, but there wasn't any progress on that front.

"Nevermind, how about this? Can you understand this?" Wade asked, imagining for a half second he was speaking with Selena instead. The english that was supposed to come out of his mouth wasn't english. It was moonwing elvish. Hah. It worked! Eri reached to his hat, and gave it a quick tug down. Yeah, I can hear ya boss.

"Good, thank god. Elvish sounds so much cleaner than Nathir, and not, you know, evil." Eri clicked his jaws a few times, laughing. If he could find Market today, Wade did admit he should probably shake that God's hand. Being able to speak any language at all, and transfer that boon over was going to become his bread and butter. Triggering the blessing felt a lot more easy now too, but it still required him to speak, that's probably why he wasn't getting sign language to work right.

Which is a problem for Eri, given he didn't have lungs or vocal chords to speak with. Body language seemed to be an exception and Wade wasn't sure why. Maybe it was linked to english? The elevator on the other hand, remained before them, and Wade told Eri to press the button. The skeleton did, hesitantly, then pointed at the whole thing, question implied.

Wade explained the whole process, but when Eri heard it literally had some weights on the other end working out, it was pretty clear the skeleton thought Wade was living in some kind of primitive society.

"If it's stupid but it works, it's not stupid." Wade said as he tapped the metal doors.

"As far as I know, even our energy systems just ends up finding ways to make water boil so that the steam turns a turbine. Lack of mana on Earth just meant we had to use physics to make light." Seems very odd. The skeleton sent back with a slight head shake and half shrugged hands, then started patting the doorway to look for the opening latch.

"It opens by itself when it arrives. Just watch." A ding later, and the doors shuddered open to reveal a small, scuffed mirrored interior. Eri took a hesitant step forward. Testing his weight on the inside, keenly aware of the gaping void a single inch in width right by the floor.

"Fair warning, this thing's ancient and makes weird noises. Occasionally it kind of drops down for a half second, but breaks stop it. Beats taking three flights of stairs. But it's safe, I promise." Wade said, stepping stepping past.

"This is normal. Well, normal for Earth anyway." Eri cautiously continued, coming to a stop at the center. The doors closed behind them, and Wade pressed the button for the ground floor. The elevator lurched downward.

"Yeah, like I said. Ancient. Maybe not as much as you technically are though." Wade grinned.

"But in about thirty seconds, we'll be outside, and you'll get to see what a sky actually looks like." Eri kept his hands to the side, trying to balance right as the elevator lurched to a stop.

"Just remember, no magic, stay in character and look pretty serious when you can. Earth has strict no-skeleton policies in public. Around Halloween we could probably get away with something." The elevator did come to a lurching halt exactly once during the descent, where it stayed frozen for a good ten seconds before it pretended nothing had happened and continued down. Then the doors juddered open with a tired ding, and the lobby beyond greeted them.

"Behold. Affordable urban living." Wade said, waving a hand at the empty lobby and single plastic plant on an empty decoration dresser.

"Nothing but the best of the best. They used to have more stuff in the past but people kept stealing it, probably. It's been a while since they removed just about anything besides those two. I like to knock on the dresser for luck on the way out. It's made of wood." But Eri had more or less not heard a thing. His eyes were turned right to the glass walls up ahead. Because beyond that was an entire street. He slowly walked forward, his face going left to right so rapidly Wade worried he might snap his skeletal neck.

People walked past on both sides outside, some going faster with coffee cups, others listening to something with earpods or headsets. Cars honked, someone shouted about a parking spot, and a food truck three buildings down was blasting pop music. The skeleton was overwhelmed, with the sky, the people, the cars, the signs, the sounds. What is... everything? Eri's gloved hands twitched out a mix of english and Nathir body language. The last part was also directed at the moving cars, asking about danger.

"Just regular morning. Don't worry." Wade shrugged, getting to the doorway, opening it up and guiding Eri to the edge of the sidewalk where they wouldn't block foot traffic.

"Those moving metal boxes are cars, not golems. Nothing out here wants to kill you." He moved real cautiously out into the light, as if afraid he'd step into a trap or something. In reality, he was just stunlocked at the massive chaotic sight all around him. Everything was different. Good different. But overwhelmingly different. His hand reached to his hat to hold onto it tight, worried the wind or something might send it flying off. He wasn't certain he could recover that hat if it got carried away in all... this.

And then there was barking behind them. Eri's head tilted toward a woman walking four different-sized dogs, all tangled in their leashes. Are those giant weasels? Do people keep weasels as pets?

"Dogs." Wade explained, scrunching his nose at the thoughts about hyper-weasels.

"Big smart weasels. Basically. Sure, close enough." A taxi honked loudly. Eri's hand flinched to where his greatsword would have been hooked to his back.

"Relax!" Wade patted his shoulder.

"Look, you could probably pick up that cab and throw it down the block, but let's not test that theory, okay? I'm not made of money just yet. Again, nothing here is a danger to us, just noisy. And if it is, I'll call out for help right away and tell you what exactly is the danger." This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon. Eri slowly relaxed, watching the flow of people with growing fascination. Everything is so alive.

The skeleton said, or so Wade figured he was saying. He'd turned back to Wade and just waved a hand at everything. It's so... busy. And loud. And nobody's fighting or running. And the sky. Eri tilted his head back, staring up at the blue expanse between buildings. The head turned back to Wade.

"It doesn't really end." Wade shrugged.

"Keeps going up and up, then into space. This is the surface." Eri turned to stare at the sky again. And then turned his attention as someone passed them both by with a bicycle. What's that thing? Why is he kicking his feet up and down like that? What the heck? What is that? Just about everything human fascinated Eri, and for good reason. Speaking in elvish helped out a lot to keep what Wade was actually saying to the skeleton, that way nobody was going to be weirded out overhearing them.

The language did have a sort of charm to it, like swedish. Certainly sounded more european. Worked out pretty well. Good thing too, because the question ' what is that' ended up being repeated a few hundred times over by the time they arrived to the sports shop. Big 5's Sporting Goods. The sign said in bold white over a big blue square.

"All right, we actually need to buy some stuff here." Wade said, making his way to the pool and watersports section of the store.

"Technically, I'm in deep shit once I go to sleep tonight. Need to make sure I'm completely ready for that." Eri dutifully followed behind, constantly having his attention sucked in by some invention or another. Everything in the sports shop got his attention.

"Yes, that's a goggles. They go over your eyes and help you see underwater."

"People wear these to help them swim faster, you put them on your boots... No, they're terrible for walking on land, no shit."

"Those are surfboards, you ride on top of water with these… Nope, the coloring under all that is just art and doesn't do anything, it just looks cool."

"Art? Uh, that's a little more complicated to explain…" That was particularly hard to get him to move away from. Eri liked colors. He liked them a lot. He found a surfboard and pulled it off the rack, turning to Wade like a puppy. The next question was obvious. Wade sighed, "All right, fuck it why not? How much is it- Jesusfuckingchrist, what the actual fuck?! Noooope, not with that price tag. Beg Illy to pay it for you, sorry I'm not a rich british heiress. Or an elvish one either."

The skeleton gave it a sad look. Wade groaned and smacked his forehead. The things he did for his minions.

"I'll see what I can do…" He brought up his phone. Still no answer from Illy. Real odd. Shouldn't it be like six now? What was she up to on her end? Well. More time to get everything together he supposed. It took some time, but Wade managed to assemble all the items he needed. A safety vest, arm floaties, a pool noodle.

After that he went to the camping and hunting section, bought a knife belt, a large racoon trap that could be reused for death-weasels, some supposedly stinky bait, and then impervious yellow rubber boots. The most generic kind he could imagine. He bought two, just in case one broke down or got punctured. Those would be too important to fail on him. Radios were a bit harder to find, but he did get an entire set.

By that point, he'd had to double back and get a shopping cart because there was no way he could carry it all by hand. But that would only work inside the shop. Going home was going to be a small adventure at this rate.

"How about you help me out here and carry all this?!" Wade hissed, "You're literally stronger than I am by like a ton! Plus I have a limp to deal with." What was the point of a minion if he had to carry everything himself? Eri stopped gawking at the bows, looked his way, then pointed back at the bows, and resumed gawking at them.

"Weapon obsessed nutcase." Wade muttered under his breath, and limped over to that entire section. This particular store was large enough to have an upper floor, so the hunting section here was expansive. Pellet guns, actual guns, more guns that didn't look like nerf blasters, and all kinds of stuff Wade didn't know the name for was proudly displayed just about everywhere it could be displayed at. Here was his second main buy of the day. What counted as an attack for the skyviper archer boon?

He figured throwing pocket sand wouldn't count, so was it more something with sufficient mass or an instrument built to deal damage? Last he'd used was a backpack filled with heavy mithril parts that all would deal some amount of damage thrown downwards, so he hadn't needed to worry too much about the System judging his attacks as nonsense yet. But Play had been right about her earlier script on what he should be doing: Buying a crossbow. Something with heavy penetration, and really strong bolts to pair it with.

Possibly find some way to tie on explosives to those bolts. Which led him to walk up to the counter where the bored salesclerk was waiting to sell him something. Fortunately he was prepared with his lines on how he'd get a dangerous crossbow without having to draw suspicion. He fixed up a smile, dragged out some social battery, and walked up to the clerk.

"Hi, I'd like to buy a crossbow for shooting at the archery club." The man looked up from his phone.

"Sure thing, what's your budget range mate?" Australian? Well, this was LA. Lots of people here. Wade looked over the assembled outright sci-fi looking crossbows with scopes and everything.

"Uh, five hundred?" The man nodded, "Uh huh. First crossbow?"

"Yep."

"Have you shot bows or compound bows before? Or brand new to it all?"

"I just like the look of crossbows a lot more than bows, it's just a personal preference." Wade lied. The salesclerk nodded, turned around and went to fish out a sleek looking crossbow.

"You'll probably want the Wicked Ridge M-370 here. Came out just this year. Excellent beginner crossbow, and runs well within your budget, so you'll have enough to cover accessories or more bolts. Comes with a TenPoint 3x multi-Line Scope, bag, cocking device, three twenty inch bolts and a quiver. Used this puppy myself a few times, very fun. Easy to start with." He looked behind him, at Eri.

"Nice Rorschach by the way, is there a con going?"

"Photoshoot." Wade said. The man raised an eyebrow.

"I hope you're not planning on using a crossbow during that photoshoot mate. Or at least, make sure it's not actually primed to shoot. Terrible idea for safety if you're brand new to using one." Wade shook his head, "Oh that? No, no. He's going somewhere else. Just tagging along with me right now for breakfast and then we'll be splitting up." What was it Illy had used as her excuse?

"He wants to make the costume a little more weather worn by walking around and using it how it would have actually been. Give the cloth folds and that kind of stuff. I told him I'd be carrying a lot of stuff out, and if he could help." Wade turned over to Eri, who was still gawking at the bows. The skeleton turned his head to Wade, clearly aware of what was being said, and then wordlessly turned back to admiring the bow section.

He had more important things to do right now, and that included ogling peak human engineering and all the curves of each high-tech metal bow here. Especially the compound bows.

"You little shit." Wade muttered under his breath.

"I see, I see," The clerk said, almost humming.

"Your friend's pretty dedicated. Well, what else are you after today?"

"I'm good with just all this." Wade pulled out his wallet and fished out his credit card with a deep gulp.

"How much?" The answer was way too much. But still within limits of his credit card, so he could technically afford it. But internally, he was traumatized and crying hysterically. Eri walked out carrying both the crossbow, the bag, and a bunch of other things the skeleton found particularly cool, while Wade carried all the pool and floatation gear. He'd even gotten goggles, the kind that would cover both his eyes and nose. That way he could see inside the mithril sea when he opened up his eyes there.

And on the racks was a ski-mask bandana too, one that covered the whole mouth. So that went into the cart too, since it might help him filter out the shards and sand when he tried to breath. As they walked out of the store, his phone finally buzzed with a notification. Illy? What was going on in scotland that she hadn't yet answered back? He checked the phone, but instead of the hellion he was used to, it was a text.

From a certain arch-demon: Congratulations kiddo, Santa Zin pulled off another impossible Christmas miracle! Got your little party favors and WOW do I regret every life choice that led to this moment. Payment will be discussed. Extensively. And just so we're crystal clear here - when the feds come knocking, I've never seen you before in my life.