Chương 78: 77-Bobs within Bobs

Bob looked incredulously at his imaginary friend, who was pointing at him with some kind of crossbow, while he and Jenna tried to break free from the vines holding them to the wall and Billy tried to catch his breath.

"Not so fast, Bob," Charlie told him.

"I want to talk with your Charlie. What was your biggest professional letdown? The one you never talked about with anyone?" Bob felt his own Charlie's presence take control of his speech and answer:"Man, are you going to make me tell that in public? It will be on the cover of People tomorrow if you make me say it, or whatever they have in Babylon instead of it."

"You are stalling, Charlie," Charlie2 said, pointing the crossbow at Bob.

"I wanted to design Lady Gaga's dress for the Oscars. I even sent her some drafts. She blocked me and threatened to call the cops," Charlie1 sighed.

"Perhaps the fake third breast was not such a good idea after all."

"That's it," Charlie 2 said, beaming.

"You are officially a Bob." He went to the still-tied Bob and helped him out of the vines with his Bowie knife. Then he gave him a big hug.

"I missed you, man."

"I am still tied, you know," Jenna said. Five minutes later, as they were going down the corridors, Charlie told them his story.

"In my timeline, you were never able to meet at Belona at the time specified by the Oath you took, and the Losers never met again." Charlie's voice was sad as he spoke.

"Bob did what he could, but it was a total disaster. Everbright Malakka erased his mind, leaving his drooling body as a warning for others who would rebel against him. She kept his drooling body on display in her chambers."

"She thought she had emptied his mind. She hadn't. I was still there, with access to Bob's powers and memories. Mind you, Billy, don't step there; it is a trap," Charlie suddenly told Billy, whose feet froze mid-step. Charlie knelt beside him and pulled some type of Rubik's Cube thing from the brackish water.

"This one comes from the Maker. It's the third one I've disarmed in one hour. He has booby-trapped the entire sewage system—that means he is not very far away."

"What does that one do?" asked Billy, mystified.

"It releases a swarm of mutated hippos, very aggressive ones," answered Charlie.

"A swarm of hippos? Inside that cube?"

"You'd be surprised at the number of things this cube holds, Billy. There is a whole world inside it," Charlie said as he dropped the cube on the ground.

"Was," he corrected himself as he ground the cube under his heel.

"Let's keep going in direction alpha-tango," he said to the flabbergasted Losers as he resumed walking.

"I don't know what alpha-tango means. I think it just sounds cool," he added. Charlie examined the rest of the corridor for a few seconds.

"Looks safe. Let's go on."

"So that night, as she was distracted, thinking up evil plans or whatever villains do in their spare time, I took hold of the body. I swore I would continue Bob's work and do it with style. And this happened." Charlie smiled as he projected his skill screen. Oath of Vaughn (Oathsealing 6): You can only create perks built around one-liners. The one-liners must be adequate and appropriate to the dramatic situation. The resulting perks can never be above rank 5.

They activate instantly and, once used, become a permanent part of your perk library.

"You should see my perk library now, man," he said proudly to Bob.

"It is a museum of coolness. You could make a Hollywood script only with the names of my perks."

"I notice also that the Oath just forbids you from creating perks not based on one-liners, not from using those you already have. That means you also have access to my old perks," answered Bob.

"Technically," muttered Charlie.

"Technically?" said Bob.

"I had to delete them all, man. They were lame-ass perks. I cannot attack an enemy while shouting Wind Kisses the Ball! It sounds like something you would say in a commercial for male tampons." Bob decided to ignore that.

"And so I struck her down and created my very first perk. Take that, you evil shapeshifting motherfucker! Excellent sword perk. Only works on shapeshifters but cunningly forces them to use their own reproductive system to…"

"Okay, I think we get the idea," interrupted Bob.

"I guess it is my body you are using. You look like Charlie because you are using Fleshshaping."

"That's it."

"What did the Keeper offer you?" Jenna asked him coldly.

"I wanted my Bob back. It is lonely up here. The Keeper said he could alter the timeline and make Bob resist Malakka's mental attack. I accepted," Charlie said, looking at the ground.

"I should never have. Half the Bobs I met here are mad. And don't get me started on the versions of you two I've met," he said, looking at Jenna and Billy.

"Something is hunting them, also. The Bobs, specifically. Something lethal. So I changed my goals—I would not get a copy of my original Bob. I would seek the ones that most reminded me of him and help them survive. That is what he would have wanted."

"So far, you are the only one who has passed the test," Charlie said to Bob.

"Another trap," he said as he took another polyhedral rune from the ground.

"I will be having that, please," a new but familiar voice said. The rune jumped from Charlie's hand into the newcomer's. A Bob. He looked much like their own, but his clothes had an almost futuristic cut. He was wearing some kind of apron with lots of strange-looking tools hanging from it.

"The Maker, I presume?" Jenna asked.

"The Icosahedron, please." You had to give the Bobs that—they were all well-mannered.

"I am sorry, we need it to save the Universe," Jenna answered.

"Your way will not work, but I invite you to take part in mine," the Maker said.

"The Keeper wants me to return the Icosahedron. I will never do that. I am going to pull a Zaralin on him. I am going to use it as a foundation to create a new world, a perfect world, with neither Limbo nor the Compendium in it, and you are welcome to come with me. I am offering the four of you a way out."

"Only the four of us? Zaralin took all his people with him," answered Bob.

"I stand corrected—I am not pulling a Zaralin, after all. I am pulling a Don't waste my time with trifles."

"We are not doing this for us; we are doing this for everyone," Billy answered.

"Told you half the Bobs were mad," Charlie muttered.

"A pity," the Maker said as he pulled a spherical object from a pocket in his apron.

"Let's continue this discussion elsewhere."

"No, stop him! He is going to…" Charlie tried to say. The sphere made a loud, ominous click, and suddenly they were no longer in the sewers. They were in the middle of a forest, surrounded by alien vegetation, two strange bluish suns hanging in the sky.

"... absorb us into the sphere," Charlie finished.

"Damn it, we are inside one of his worlds."

"You mean he has pulled us into that little sphere and is now carrying us around?" asked Billy.

"It is a bit more complicated than that. I've seen him use this trick on a Jenna before. He is projecting a spatial field with a thirty-foot radius centered on himself. Inside that field, his world's laws apply. He can't move around while using that trick—he must remain where he is."

"Then we only have to walk a few feet backward, and we are out," said Jenna.

"Not that simple. The laws also affect space. Trying to walk outside the field will not work. You will always end up where you started. You have got to reach the center of the field, where he is standing, and it may take you hours. It is a miles-long trip through dangerous terrain. The good news is that time inside the field is sped up. Days here are only seconds outside."

"You seem to know an awful lot about his tactics, Charlie," Jenna told him.

"As I told you, I had the chance to study him. I used my That Will Never Work On Me, You Douchebag! (Truthcrafting 4) perk on him.

"Please, swear to me you will never show me your perk library," Bob almost begged Charlie.

"This is an attrition battle," said Billy.

"He wins by exhausting us."

"Let's start," Jenna said as she studied the landscape with her enhanced eyesight.

"There is a small town on top of that hill. It is the only structure around. I guess the Maker must be hiding inside—the sooner we reach him, the sooner we escape."

"Let's try to fly there," Jenna said. Bob took it as his cue and shapeshifted into his manta form. Bob's Charlie was at the steering wheel, while the other Charlie was mounted on Bob's back.

"I tell you, man," said driver Charlie.

"This is weird as hell." Bob was inclined to agree, but he could no longer talk while in this form. He tried to ascend, but something was wrong: when he reached fifteen feet above the ground, the air became as thick as molasses, halting his advance. He floated back down to the ground and let his friends dismount him. The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

"He already thought of this," he said as he resumed his true form.

"The dimensional lock blocking teleportation all over Julta is also working here—we will have to walk through the forest if we want to reach that town."

"I don't get it," said Billy.

"If teleportation does not work, how has he gotten us inside this world?"

"He is not moving anything through space, Billy. He is just altering the properties of a very small area in Julta," answered Bob.

"Altering it by making it look like a whole world?" asked Billy.

"He is altering it a lot," conceded Bob. The Losers and Charlie began the long trek towards the town at the top of the hill. As they had expected, the forest was a killing field, full of traps and dangerous mutant beasts. Charlie's expertise with traps came in handy, but it slowed their advance considerably. On their third day in the forest, they had a council of war, as they roasted a two-headed snake over a campfire.

"This is not working. We have already been here for three subjective days, even though only a couple of seconds have passed in the real world, and we are not even one third of the way through," Jenna said.

"He is playing the long game. He wants to bore us into giving him the artifact," Bob agreed.

"This is not like the movies," protested Charlie.

"I must go slowly if I want to detect the traps."

"Not like the movies?" Billy scoffed.

"For God's sake, Charlie, you have a truthfinding perk called I Will Blow Your Mind…And A Lot of other Stuff."

"Did not take that from any movie," Charlie lied.

"Okay, change of plans: no more trap disarming," Jenna announced. The next morning, they completely altered their tactics: Jenna enhanced her Spirit and taunted any beast that ambushed them along the way. Bob and Charlie took them down before they could reach the group. Bob used his bow, and Charlie an Essence gun. Both were based on Pantean Bowmanship, but Charlie's magic made it work as if it were a real firearm.

Bob had to admit that Charlie had an impressive number of one-liner perks and had even created a few along the way." We want no people of your elk here!" he said as his gun blew off the head of the giant, armored elk charging them.

"Bowmanship 4, usable only against antlered enemies, grants one extra shot for each point on the antler," he said proudly to Bob, from one professional to another.

"Okay, no beasts nearby. Time for phase two," said Jenna as she dropped Spirit, enhanced her Body, and strode across the trapped field. She had not walked more than fifty feet before she fell into a hidden pit filled with sharpened spikes. Luckily, she detected the hidden pit one second before falling into it. By taunting the monsters and killing them, blatantly ignoring the danger of traps, and rewriting reality when consequences arose, they made the rest of the trip in less than three hours.

They finally reached the top of the hill, but not the end of the obstacles. The sky was heavily overcast, and thunder could be heard in the distance. A small army was gathered in front of the town entrance. It was led by a large warrior, clad in metal armor and wielding a huge sword, who was making a rousing speech while pointing at them with his weapon.

"Billy," Jenna said curtly.

"Jenna, if I use Flimsy Reality too much, there is a chance the magic will backfire."

"I've got you," Jenna said as she pumped two points of Luck into Billy. Etaron the Mighty asked for the blessing of the heavens to vanquish the foes of his people. Lightning struck Etaron the Mighty, burning him and fifty of his warriors to a crisp. The rest of the soldiers gaped in horror at the remains of their leader. The heavens did not favor them. They heard an inhuman cry and saw Jenna, who had placed all her points into Spirit and Intimidation, charging at them, more nightmare than teenager.

The soldiers broke, scampering in all directions at once. The Losers entered the town. The Maker was waiting for them, sitting in a plush-looking chair and sipping lemonade.

"Okay, Home Depot Bob," Jenna said coldly.

"You are taking us out of here, now."

"I liked the Home Depot thing," Charlie whispered to her.

"We should exchange pointers."

"But of course, you only had to ask," said the Maker, pulling a sphere from a pocket in his apron. A new sphere.

"No, wait..." Jenna tried to say. Click The whole world changed around them. They were no longer in the town. They were in a vast desert made of blue sand.

"He pulled us into another world? He pulled us into another world while we were inside the first one?" Billy said, awed.

"It is like one of those Matriarchal dolls they have in Russia," said Charlie, not really getting it.

"At least I had a good look at him, and Gaze of the Eternal Warrior triggered," said Bob.

"He got his powers much as Charlie did, by swearing an oath that placed certain restrictions on him. He can easily activate perks based on items, but any gadget he has ever created will self-destruct if he uses a power not based on them."

"Damn, I can see the goal again. It is an oasis in the middle of the goddamn desert. It is at least fifty miles away," Jenna exclaimed. The next few days felt like a repeat of their previous journey: an exhausting, harrowing trip through an unforgiving desert, filled with traps, poisonous animals, and hostile natives. Flying would not work as it would attract swarms of poisonous wasps. Finally, after five hard days, they reached the oasis, which was also protected by a warrior tribe.

"We are not charging blindly, like last time," Jenna said.

"It is vital that he does not see us come. Otherwise, he will just start the process again."

"What did you have in mind?" Billy asked.

"We'll try to negotiate with the guys protecting him. We'll tell them we've reconsidered the Maker's offer and are willing to hand over the Icosahedron, yada yada yada... If I get within 100 feet of him, I can boost my speed so much that he just won't be able to see me coming. I can knock him out and take all his gadgets from him before he can use them again," explained Jenna.

"Well, those guys protecting him do not look like big fans of dialogue," Billy said.

"Rewrite them."

"Jeez, it is not as easy as I make it look, you know." Jenna enhanced her Spirit, focusing on her social and persuasion stats, and slowly approached the local warriors, her hands raised in the universal peace gesture. Barukh the Fierce felt, once more, the call of battle. Wielding his scimitar, he uttered a war cry and charged at the offending invaders. Barukh saw the young girl come towards him, her hands raised, no weapons in them. He was born for war, but even for him, there was a time for peace.

Jenna carefully pulled the Icosahedron from inside her clothes, making sure that both the Maker and his bodyguards could see it. Bob calculated the distance separating Jenna from the Maker. No more than sixty feet. Bob knew that if Jenna put all her points into Speed, she could cross that distance in less than one-tenth of a second, far faster than a human could react. Jenna turned into a blur. Click"Again?" Bob said, unable to believe it. They were in a dusty ground riddled with holes.

A castle was faintly visible in the distance. Jenna swore for five full minutes. Bob tried to calm her down, but Charlie stopped him.

"Please, let her go on. I am getting lots of good material here." She finally calmed down and approached the group.

"I think I know how he is doing it," she announced.

"We made a mistake. We know that he can control the rate at which time flows inside his worlds, and we just assumed that time flowed at the same rate throughout. I think there are three different time zones within each world, arranged in concentric layers. In the outermost one, time passes extremely quickly. Its purpose is to exhaust us, forcing us to fight for days without end. The Maker is standing at the center, in a small zone, probably only a few feet across.

In this zone, time passes at the same speed as in the real world—it only makes sense. Why spend days waiting for us to reach him when he can just wait minutes?"

"Yes, I think you are right," Bob agreed.

"The purpose of these worlds is to exhaust us, not to tire the Maker. You talk about three zones, though."

"Yes, there is a middle one, surrounding the small zone in which the Maker is and probably extending only across the rest of the village. It is a slow time zone. Its purpose is defensive."

"Of course," said Bob, finally understanding it.

"That is why he always sees us coming. But how are we going to beat him?" he asked.

"We use what he has given us," Jenna answered, studying the hole-riddled landscape.

"We use the environment."

"And I am going to need your help, Charlie," she added. ◇ The Maker sipped his lemonade as he waited for the Losers to arrive once more. They are taking their sweet time, he thought. He had only been waiting for five minutes, but, by his estimate, that was about a month of subjective time for them. Eventually, they would give up and give him the Icosahedron just to get out of this pickle. Assuming they did not fall to this world's traps and monsters, of course.

This was a particularly nasty one, with giant man-eating worms bursting out from holes in the ground. There, another one, he thought as he felt a slight tremor go through the village. He had designed the worms so that they would be repelled by the slow-time ring that surrounded his position, but they were so massive that their passage could be felt even from a few hundred feet away.

"This is a big one," the Maker said as the tremor gained intensity. Perhaps too big. Then he had no time to think anything else before the ground collapsed, throwing him into the tunnel that had just formed under his feet. He screamed as he fell, and suddenly, his fall was arrested. He looked up. Jenna was holding him by his ankle. They had somehow tunneled under him, taking advantage of an unused worm passage deep below the ground. The ring repelled living worms, but it did nothing to their abandoned tunnels.

Over several subjective weeks, the Losers had extended one beneath the village.

"Do your thing, Charlie," the Primordial coldly said. She looked dirty and exhausted. The four of them did—digging a tunnel for one whole month had not done wonders for their appearance.

"Happy Asshole Day!" Charlie Vaughn screamed in his face. Happy Asshole Day! (Bartering 4): Scream the name of this perk in someone's face and transform it into the gift that keeps on giving. You lose the perk, and the person you shout at gains it. Unless he resists a Spirit attack, he will instinctively use it on the nearest person, who will gain the perk. The process will continue until someone resists, at which point the perk will be dismantled. This perk counts as a one-liner.

"Happy Asshole Day!" the Maker shouted back at Charlie, who echoed the sentiment. The perk went back and forth between them six more times, until the Maker finally resisted. The first time the Maker shouted it back, a crashing sound heralded the implosion of his magic.

"Care to check your status page?" Jenna coyly asked him.

"Oh, no," the Maker wailed as he summoned it. The Oath of Making (Oathsealing 6): You can only use perks based on items. These perks can be activated as if they were three levels lower, but using a perk without an item will destroy all the gadgets you own. The Oath will not work on rank 7 perks (FAILED) All his precious potions, his arcane foci, his world spheres had turned to dust. He had cast that odious perk Charlie had forced upon him, no doubt about it, and now he was paying the price.

The fake world dissolved around them, as if it had suddenly realized that no magical orb was sustaining it. They were back in Julta's sewers. The Maker was crying disconsolately at Bob's feet.

"I have lost everything. Everything! Years of work down the drain," he said.

"Be grateful you are making it out of here alive. Most Bobs aren't," Jenna told him.

"About that," Charlie interrupted them.

"I was not joking when I told you something was hunting the Bobs. We should split up. Three Bobs at the same time is too much of a temptation. I will take this one with me and try to draw your pursuer away from you."

"You don't have to do that, Charlie. It is too risky," Bob said, moved.

"Risk is my middle name, Bob," Charlie told him seriously.

"Actually, it is Eugene," Bob answered.

"I once looked at your IMDb profile." They hugged each other.

"There is still hope for you, after all, Bob. I know there is a good one-liner hiding in that brain somewhere." Bob saw him leave, taking the protesting Maker with him. For some reason, he really wished he were in manta form right now. ◇ The Widow stalked gracefully through Julta's sewers. Her enhanced senses had already picked up the Bobs. Three at once. One of them her main target. Then they separated. There was a decision to make: two secondary Bobs—or her primary target and the Icosahedron.

She was an intelligent woman. She was many things when she chose to be them. The Icosahedron was the winner. She could use it as leverage to get more trips out of the Keeper. Trips to any timeline in which a Bob existed. Happy days were coming. She ignored Charlie and the Maker and started to follow the Losers' trail.