Chương 44: Chapter 43 - Marco

Atzi's mouth hung open as she looked upon the gorge that was once Novae.

"Water. This is…" Marco's face was pale, and Atzi could hear his teeth clench.

"... Yeah."

"It's even worse than I thought," Atzi said. She wondered if Malus really was responsible, as she surveyed the devastation.

"Those of us who survived, we were lucky. Everyone else..."

"Sorry. That's-" She trailed off. What do I even say here?

"It's- not okay, but I don't expect you to be able to say anything that would help," Marco said. Atzi struggled to find her next words.

"Sorry. Wish I could." Marco breathed into his cupped hands. - A few more hours passed as the cart pulled closer to the mountain range which acted as the border between Novae and Cthargictha. The terrain turned from mounds of snow to jagged paths cut through low rocky outcroppings from which icicles hung.

"If we encounter any soldiers, leave the talking to me," Terra said.

"Sure," Atzi replied. Even with her torch, she shivered. They did not encounter any soldiers. Instead, they came across a wide area full of abandoned and torn down tents. Discarded weapons stuck out from the snow. The cart bumped over something, then stopped. Terra stepped out and ran her boot over the snow, revealing a corpse wearing a dented bronze helmet. A Sostrian soldier. That's not good. Atzi stayed in the cart. Both Hemm and Marco looked worried. Terra came back.

"It looks like the outpost here was entirely wiped out," she said. The mood in the cart soured. Terra climbed back in and it began moving again, towards a mountain trail. Atzi still had not seen who was driving the cart, and was starting to suspect there wasn't anyone. Driven by curiosity, she peeked her head outside and found the driver's seat was indeed empty. She withdrew her head and turned to Terra.

"How are the horses doing that?" Atzi asked.

"I'm using nature magic to do it," Terra replied.

"I just have to look at where I want them to go, and they go there."

"Huh. Convenient."

"You learn some tricks by studying every field of magic. Though you have no idea how many animals I went through testing the spell." She's such a casual psycho. No wonder she's never gotten laid. If I became a mage, would I end up like that? - As the cart climbed the mountain, it got even colder. It felt as though the higher they went, the less warmth Atzi's torch seemed to provide. The wide, sweeping vista of the Sostrian empire wasn't something she could appreciate as she cursed the cold.

Eventually, the cart stopped on a wide outcropping. Atzi looked up and saw it was about halfway up the mountain. She didn't see any obvious path up, just steep slopes and frozen stone.

"H-how are we meant to get up there?" Atzi asked.

"This is far enough for my purposes. If I do need to go higher, I can do so on my own. We'll set up camp here."

"C-c-camp. R-right. H-how do we do that?"

"You won't do anything. Just stand by and hold your torch so you don't freeze." Terra looked at the other two.

"We three will set it up."

"G-got it," Atzi said. She failed to not freeze. The chill ran bone deep as she watched the others get to work putting up two tents. Even with the torch, it felt as bad to her as when she didn't have a torch or warm clothes at all, back when the cart had just entered Novae. The only thought in her head, moving slowly on repeat, was how awful it felt. Finally the tents were set up. The three came back to the cart.

"That's both of the tents set up. Now, who's in which tent?" Hemm asked. H-here's my ch-chance to sl-sleep w-with-"I'll share with Atzi, then," Marco said. Atzi's eyes froze in a hateful glare at him. Marco didn't meet her gaze. - Atzi could think again, now that she was warm. After setting up the tents, Terra had briefly taken her torch from her - the most miserable moment in Atzi's life - and conducted some sort of ritual.

It involved setting the torch down and blasting it with a fireball so large that it caused an avalanche further down the mountain. She was just happy when it was given back to her, discovering that not only it was warmer but that it didn't burn at all, meaning she could stick it right in her clothes to comfort herself. With the power to think came the power to confront Marco. He sat across from her within the tent they shared, eyes darting away from her.

"You knew I wanted to share a tent with Hemm," she said.

"... Yes," he admitted.

"So why'd you jump in like that?" Atzi couldn't believe someone would be so insensitive.

"You… told me you only have a week left to live, and" - Marco took a deep breath - " I knew you'd try something and I didn't want you to… end up hurting her." Atzi held up her claws.

"Hey, hey I wasn't gonna-" Atzi trailed off.

"I mean, I wouldn't, you know-" Her eyes darted around.

"If someone didn't wanna. I'm no creep."

"Sure. But maybe you would be pushier than normal. Because you're going to die, so why not?" Marco turned his head to her.

"What's wrong with being a little bolder!"

"I'm worried she likes you," Marco said. Atzi's eyes widened.

"She... she does?"

"I don't know. Maybe. But that makes it worse."

"How's that worse? We both get what we want, isn't that a good thing?"

"... You have a week left to live. You'd make her really happy. And then really, awfully, terribly sad." Atzi scoffed.

"I think you're really overestimating how much I'd do for her..." Marco shook his head.

"You heard the story she told. She already lost someone she liked."

"Well, yeah, but we don't know exactly what's gonna happen tomorrow, do we? I don't. Not right now, anyway." Marco just silently looked at her. Seconds passed.

"... She actually thinks that way about me? Fuck. Fuck. I thought she was just checking me out! I didn't think… ah fuck…" Atzi buried her face in her claws.

"What in the hells do I do? Did this just happen? Was she like that before?" Marco shrugged.

"If you survive your week, then you should talk to her. I guess. If you want to." A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

"... If I make it the week, I'll ask her."

"She didn't say anything to me, I just saw what you two were like when you were drunk. She kept doing this thing where every time you said something stupid she started smiling really bright." Atzi groaned.

"I didn't- I, uh-" She got quiet.

"I've never really gone out with someone before." She looked up.

"I mean I've fucked! You can just walk into a brothel if you want that!" She laughed. Marco did not. Instead he awkwardly gripped his own shoulder.

"Want to hear a story?"

"Sure," Atzi said, desperate to not think about someone actually liking her.

"One time, Vance and Karl convinced me to dress up like a girl as a joke, and then, without telling me, left me in a brothel." Marco looked down.

"I'm glad I don't have to be their 'friend' anymore," he practically hissed.

"Left you there, as in? Ah shit. Well, they're stuck in jail- oh, right, Hemm told his sister." Atzi hummed.

"Guess not. I did start to wonder why you hung out with them. You aren't an asshole like they are." That did get a short laugh from Marco.

"Vance can be charismatic. Sometimes. When he's not being an asshole. He really loved Novae. He thought it was the greatest place to ever exist. After what happened… he'd never tried to hurt anyone, before that."

"Yeah, I guess he didn't take it well."

"He told us we were going to be heroes. We'd take that guy's money and give it to all the Noveans in need. He would have done it too. After taking half off the top to have fun with." Atzi sighed.

"I can't really judge. I never told you, but I was there that time. I had him pegged as an easy mark. I mean, I stayed in the slums too. All that gold? I could have eaten for months. Had a bath again, a proper bed." Marco was silent.

"And it's just some old drunk guy who cries all the time. So he won't miss it. Well frankly I wish I'd taken a load of it, he's a lecherous old drunk. Uh, sorry, I forgot where I was going with this."

"Why did you become a thief in the first place?" Marco asked.

"Don't tell Hemm." Atzi's tail flopped in front of the tent's exit.

"I ran away from home, but I didn't leave with nothing. I was a locksmith's apprentice. So when I arrived at the city, and I was stuck out in the cold at night, I thought 'shit, I gotta get indoors, anywhere!' So I broke into someone's house, slept in the cellar, stole food from it. For a couple days, till they realised and I had to run away." Atzi clacked her claws.

"And then I just did it again. Then I tried grabbing other stuff.

'If I sell this, maybe I can buy a room at an inn for a few days.' And it just went from there. I met Fence, they said they could pay better for certain things-" Atzi blinked twice.

"Wow, I've been selling them shit I stole for nine years."

"I guess we don't really decide who we become," Marco said.

"We just make choices and it leads to who we are."

"Yeah." Atzi scratched the back of her neck. She found Marco was surprisingly easy to talk to.

"What if you got to start over a little, though?"

"I'd make friends with somebody else," Marco immediately replied.

"More short term," Atzi said.

"Say you got to go back to, like, the start of the week, with everything you know now. What would you do?"

"Just the start of the week?"

"Yeah. Just that."

"So, after the explosion? I can't stop it?"

"It happened. Sorry. Might be able to stop something else, though." Marco paused and thought about it. After a time he said, "I'd just experiment with it. See how things change if I do 'this' differently, or say 'that' different thing. Because I'd want to see the difference those things make." Do I share it? Maybe he's more mature than I figured. And the others know. Atzi considered it. Then she breathed out and said, "I'm not dying in a week, exactly. I'm not gonna die. It's the opposite.

I've been stuck in this week for months now." Marco looked bewildered.

"Oh," he said.

"Well, I'll die, but it's not for good. And dying hurts. Your idea with how to deal with going back was better than mine. I tried winking at the Serpent. And she fucking ate me! I tried telling people and I got" - Atzi thumped her tail - "burned and thrown off a wall and torn to bits and..." Marco twisted his hands back and forth a few times.

"The things you said while drunk make more sense now. I just figured you were going to start puking soon."

"Ah, shit, yeah. I was trying not to say cause I kinda thought you wouldn't wanna hear what happens. Sostra is, well, there's a reason I wanted to get as far away as possible. And bring you and Hemm along too."

"... Another explosion?" Marco guessed, his expression wild disbelief at his own words.

"Yeah, but, it's Malus. I dunno if- I mean, it looked mostly the same, but the crater here isn't like Sostra ends up as. But maybe she blew up Novae." Marco's eyes widened in distress.

"Why?!"

"I have no idea! She blows up Sostra 'cause the dead attack it and it's doomed anyway. I'm trying to figure out what the hells the cause of that is, too." Atzi groaned.

"Oh yeah, I was gonna chase those necromancers down. Next time, I'll do that next time." She shook her head.

"Sorry, it's been a fucking nightmare just getting Terra her book this time around." Marco rubbed his temples. Then, in a slightly cracked voice, he asked, "Have you tried talking to Malus?"

"Talking to her? All she said was 'I'm sorry' then burned me alive!" Atzi shouted. Then she shook her head.

"Right, I didn't mention that part. You don't get how confusing this is. I tell people stuff and they forget it all when it restarts." Horror dawned on her.

"You're gonna forget this conversation. Fuck. Fuck!" Atzi stretched out her claws, barely resisting the urge to tear about the tent.

"That's why I have no idea what to do if Hemm really likes me! I'll know but... but she won't. What will I do? How can I talk to her normally again?" Marco looked at her with a sad expression.

"Lying is hard. For me at least. Because I have to keep in mind two versions of the same thing. The truth and the lie. This is kind of the same, but worse. You have to keep in mind more than two. And they're all true, technically."

"Oh I have to lie too, that makes it even worse. I was at a meeting for the heist- uh, that got cancelled but, I was meant to be in a big heist again. Anyway, Fence, they walk up to me after, this was my third time going through the meeting. And they just stare at me. Ask me pretty weird questions." Atzi curled half into a ball.

"Turns out, I forgot to act nervous enough. So they thought I might be an imposter or something. I mean, think about that. I'm changing but time's staying still."

"That's better than dying for real, but I don't envy you."

"If you think I'd have hit on Terra like that before all this? I only did it cause I know it'll all be forgotten." A realization hit Atzi, and she looked up at the ceiling of the tent.

"I mean, I could say or do anything, really."

"Do you want to?" Marco asked.

"If you say or do anything you want, you'll be the person who says and does those things. Even if you wake up one day and realize you hate yourself."

"Yeah. Shit." Atzi laughed.

"I'm not doing anything bad! I've just been more confident again, that's all." Marco rubbed his forehead.

"It's hard to think about this, ethically."

"I've never thought about that stuff in my life."

"Yes you have," Marco said. Atzi scoffed.

"I've been a thief for a long time."

"And you still have morals. Unless you've been murdering people in cold blood for money?" Atzi shook her head rapidly.

"No no no, I've never killed anyone in my life."

"Why not?" Marco asked.

"I don't wanna do that."

"But you could. Without consequences now, even. So why not?" Atzi looked for an answer.

"Killing's for soldiers and psychos."

"So you do have ethics. You don't want to be a soldier or a psycho. That's your ethics." Atzi groaned, uncurling.

"I guess. What if I have to, though? I mean, someone's doing" - she waved her claw - " everything that happens. Probably a bunch of people. No-one else kills them, clearly. So do I have to?"

"Do you really have to?" Marco shrugged.

"If this will continue forever, or at least until you do the right thing, then you can just try anything. Everything. It's up to you how much extra effort you're willing to put in, or times you're willing to die, before you're willing to take the obvious, bloody answer to a problem." Atzi silently laid down on top of her sleeping bag. She kicked her clawed feet. Then she whined and asked, "Why the hells did it have to be me? Could have picked someone good at this stuff.

She coulda picked Terra and I bet she'd have solved it by now."

"Better than me. I'd have just punched Vance in the face and then ran away to another continent."

"I really shoulda tried running to another continent. Maybe another time. Last time I left Sostra, it went really badly."

"Maybe this is selfish, but please don't leave Hemm and I for dead. Since you don't know when it might stop." Atzi sat up.

"I wasn't saying I would! You think that really might happen? If I ran away and it just... was over..."

"Maybe."

"... Fuck."

"It all sounds weird. Anything could happen, even without you. Maybe one time you die and that's just it. No more chances." Atzi buried her face into her claws once more.

"I've just been assuming there's a next time. If there wasn't-" Atzi stumbled over her words.

"But I can't fix it this time around! Or... probably not even the next time, or the time after. It's not that I don't want to! I got fried by Malus for spending all my time trying to figure this out." Marco scratched his chin.

"I mean, the opposite might also happen. Maybe you figure everything out. Fix every problem. Right every wrong. And then it starts over anyway." Atzi stared through her claws at Marco.

"D-don't even joke about that."

"I'm not. But almost anything could happen with this." He shrugged.

"I don't know how it works."

"Well- well- I took you both out of the city to help you out, so you just have to trust me, alright? I'm still figuring things out. I'm gonna, somehow, somehow, stop this mess. But just remember, I'm... well, I'm no-one really. So it might take me a while."

"I don't know how much my advice will be worth. But could I give you an idea?"

"Sure."

"You seem to be focusing a lot on the things that stick out to you, because they're big problems. But maybe that's making you blind to other things going on you don't know about, that are the answer. So maybe the trick is to do things extremely differently. Opposite from your instincts."

"So do the opposite of what I'd normally do?" Atzi asked.

"Yeah. Mostly. Not in every way, of course. Go somewhere you'd never normally go, befriend people you don't like, ask questions about things you don't care about."

"Try different things, huh?" Atzi considered it.

"Sure. Can't make things worse." There was a voice from outside the tent.

"If you've warmed up, it is time for the start of your lessons," Terra said. Atzi got up, and stepped out into the freezing cold.