Chương 146: Book 3 Chapter 3: Thorny Competition

"We really should've bought you a snowglobe or something," Harley said. She and Lee were helping him get his new dorm room set up, a process that was fairly easy thanks to his inexplicable refusal to decorate. He had a wall mount for the guitar Roxy Rocket had gifted him in his first year, and that was it.

"You don't even have any posters."

"I don't need stuff," Vell said.

"The only thing I do in my dorm is study and sleep. It doesn't need to be fancy."

"Your room should still reflect your personality, Vell," Harley said. Her own room was heavy on red ornaments and perpetually cherry-scented for that very reason.

"You're more interesting than bare walls and boring windows."

"Am I?"

"Vell Harlan, I will tolerate no performative self-deprecation here," Harley said.

"We've been over this, you're cool and attractive and smart and you've got a big-""I appreciate the affirmations for our friend, Harley, but I have to stop you right there," Lee said.

"I was going to say 'heart', Lee, he's really nice and selfless," Harley said.

"Oh, well, carry on then."

"That other thing she was thinking of is also true, though," Harley said. Lee sighed heavily.

"But that's only a small contributing thread in the tapestry of your general radicalness."

"Thanks, but I don't think my ego needs any stroking." For Lee's sake, Harley refrained from the obvious innuendo.

"I really don't like, feel bad or anything, I just don't do interior design," Vell said with a shrug.

"I don't have anything I really want to decorate my room with."

"Then let me do it! I'll hook you up."

"You'll fuck me up, more like it," Vell said.

"I don't want you making my room all blue and raspberry scented or whatever."

"First of all, rude, second of all, your signature scent is clearly smoky, not something fruity," Harley said.

"Let Lee do it, then. She doesn't really get to decorate her own dorm since her parents are always rolling through."

"My version of interior design involves a lot of potted plants and a mild to moderate amount of lesbian iconography, dear," Lee said. She really wanted a pride flag or two, but her parents would never approve, and their random visits made the risk of getting caught too high.

"I'm not opposed to the plants on principle, but I feel like I wouldn't take very good care of them," Vell said.

"And the lesbian stuff, uh, would probably send the wrong message."

"Yeah yeah, you're a heterosexual man, boring," Harley said.

"Okay, here's my final offer, everything on the table: let me and Lee each bring one thing, just one, that you have to put on display in your room." Vell took a moment to think about it. He could tell that Lee liked the idea, but he could also tell that Harley was up to something.

"When you say 'have' to…"

"Like it has to stay up on the wall for the whole year," Harley said.

"You're going to bring me something weird," Vell said accusingly.

"Will not!"

"Lee, give us some ground rules," Vell demanded. Lee thought for a moment and then came up with acceptable terms.

"Well, let's just call in some of our friends as neutral third parties," Lee suggested.

"If they appraise whatever Harley brings as 'weird', then Vell gets to take it down. If they don't, it stays up."

"Dangerous, but I think I can live with it," Vell said.

"Do we have to do that with your submission too?"

"Vell, dear, I'm obviously just going to bring you a potted cactus," Lee said.

"Do you really need to submit that for group appraisal?"

"Fair enough," Vell said.

"Alright Harley, do your worst." The wicked smile Vell got in return made him start to regret agreeing to this.

"This... this can't possibly be a coincidence," Vell said.

"You had this planned in advance, right?" Harley had returned to meet Vell's challenge with a massive painting of a western landscape and a herd of wild horses, that exactly matched the dimensions of one wall of Vell's dorm. The picturesque landscape stretched from floor to ceiling, wall to wall, and the delicately painted horses stood almost life size in the image. Vell had to admit it was a good painting, though. He might've appreciated it more if were a normal size instead of an entire wall.

"Dorm floorplans are publicly available and I happen to know some folks in the art department who can print on short notice," Harley said. She had rustled the entire setup together in roughly two hours. The story has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

"I can respect the effort," Vell said.

"But it's way too much. You might've gotten away with it if it was a normal sized painting, but there's no way our friends won't think this is weird."

"I know our friends better than you think, Vell, I've slept with most of them," Harley said.

"Speaking of friends I've slept with, time for our first judge!" Cane took a long, thoughtful look at the massive painting. Vell's former roommate did not have an eye for art, but he did have a lot of spare time and nothing better to do.

"Got to say, this is not that weird," Cane said. Harley laughed in triumph as Vell floundered.

"How is a horse painting the size of a wall not weird?"

"I've seen you in chaps on a robot horse, man, this isn't all that strange," Cane said.

"Alright, thank you for your opinion, get out of my dorm," Vell said.

"Don't be rude, Vell," Lee scolded.

"What, we have to keep people moving, we have like, uh, ten more people to ask about this giant weird horse painting," Vell said.

"We've got classes to get to, we can't spend all morning on this."

"I already cleared my schedule, actually," Harley said.

"Same."

"Damn, alright," Vell said.

"Well unlike you effortless geniuses, some of us actually have to pay attention in school," Cane said, only half sarcastically.

"I'm out."

"Bye," Vell said, before turning sharply to Harley.

"Send in the next one."

"No, I have to go with Vell on this one, it's weird," Luke said. Vell pumped his fist in triumph.

"Oh, come on, Luke, when did you get boring?"

"When did you get psychotic?" Luke shot back.

"If you had just like, found this in a thrift store or something I could accept it. But you made this yourself? In two hours? That's insane, woman."

"Hey, that's outside context," Harley said.

"Judge my giant horse portrait on it's own merits."

"While the intent of the artist can be ignored, an educated scholar must take it into account for a complete judgment of the work," Luke said. Vell's other former roommate took things slightly more seriously than most of his friends. Slightly.

"It's a fucking horse painting, Luke, get the fuck out of here," Harley commanded. Luke obeyed.

"Who's next?" As it turned out, one Frederick Froilan Frizzle was next. The fluffy scientist wandered into Vell's dorm and was immediately struck silent by the towering horse painting.

"I like that reaction," Vell said.

"Weird, right?"

"Well, statistically speaking... no," Freddy said. He nervously adjusted his glasses as Vell glared daggers at him.

"Come on, Vell. Everything we've seen and done together these past few years, and this is supposed to strike me as odd?"

"Yes! Because it is!"

"I have a robot on speed dial, Vell."

"Alright, sure, great," Vell said.

"Speaking of the robot, send her in." The robot in question was sent in, said "weird", and walked out. Kim had better things to do than play art critic. Frankly, she thought it was weird they even asked. After Kim, it was Hawke's turn to play art critic. In the past year, Hawke had been asked to raid pocket dimensions, abduct talking fish, and accost an alien, so he relished the opportunity to look at a normal piece of art that would, presumably, not try to kill him in any way.

Hawke didn't get too close to it, just in case. Hawke's vote was 'not weird', and his vote was followed shortly thereafter by some of Harley's friends, Himiko, Kanya, and Sarah, voting two for "weird" and one for "not weird". The debate did not end there, however. Vell called in everyone he knew, as did Harley, in an attempt to tip the scales towards their preferred outcome. Eventually they got so desperate they even called in old friends who had graduated like Renard, Leanne, and even Joan.

"Sorry again to bother you, Joan," Lee said. Since she was in Germany, it was currently the middle of the night for her. Not a good time to be bothered about a large horse painting, if there even was one.

"Eh, it's fine. I'm just glad to get called about things that aren't mentally or physically dangerous for once," Joan said. While Lee did call just to chat now and then, the loopers usually only called Joan when they needed her expertise in being mildly to moderately evil.

"Thanks again for the assist," Harley said. Her vote had tied up the match once again, with an even count of weird to not weird. Lee hung up and immediately sighed as Vell and Harley started squabbling over who else to call.

"We're kind of running out of friends," Harley said. She had a much larger social circle than other two, so that was saying something.

"Who the fuck else can we call, Derek?"

"Dear god, no," Lee said. They'd gone to great lengths to ensure that the corrupt former looper was kicked out of school, and she didn't want anything to do with him if she could avoid it.

"You've harassed enough of our friends, thank you. If you need a tiebreaker, the vote will be mine." Vell and Harley exchanged a quick look. Neither was fully confident that Lee would vote in their favor, but each hoped she might. They nodded, and Lee sat up straight to deliver her final verdict.

"As a trusted friend and confidant to both of you-" Vell and Harley both leaned in close, breathless with anticipation.

"-I hope you will both accept my final verdict-" Both leaned in a little closer.

"-Which is that this large painting of horses is-" The two started to run out of leaning room. Lee made them wait. She did like the occasional dramatic pause.

"-weird." Vell practically jumped out of his chair, and in a single, swift motion, he tore the giant horse painting off of his wall. Harley sighed heavily in defeat, but did not protest.

"Thank you, Lee," Vell said, as he rolled up the massive painting and prepared to be rid of it forever.

"Think nothing of it," Lee said.

"Now that we're done with that nonsense, I also had a dorm decoration for you." Lee reached into her purse and carefully withdrew a tiny potted cactus, barely restraining the smile on her face. Vell dropped the horse painting and stared at the cactus. It had three rounded bodies, one long and tube shaped, the other two squat and round, all in a very conspicuous arrangement.

"Lee this looks-""It looks like a penis," Lee said, sounding as if she was going to start giggling uncontrollably any minute.

"Its name is Prickly!" Vell examined the cock-cacti for a moment, rolled his eyes, and let out a single, defeated chuckle.

"Okay, you got me," Vell said. He picked up the cactus by the pot and placed it on a nearby windowsill.

"Did you plan this?" Lee lost any sense of self-control and started giggling madly, leaving Harley to explain.

"We didn't, but honest to god, I could not have planned this better," Harley said. She was clearly delighted and surprised in equal measure by Lee's bait and switch.

"I am so fucking proud of you, Lee." Lee was giggling too hard to accept the praise, but a good giggle was its own reward.