Chương 204: Chapter 439: Applications of the TANSTAAFL principle.

After fighting countless small battles on ships and drinking halls, Captain Whale was adept at sizing up opponents and assessing the battlefield.

"Pump some shells into the lizard, it's going to be fast as hell when it quits twitching. We're light on armor, so don't be playing 'Daring Engineer Hero', either of you. Sledge, I don't like the look of the stuff on the jellyfish-looking thing. Got any ideas?" Sledge sniffed the air, "Smells like burning rubber, X7 fireproofing spray, and cyanoacrylate. I bet it doesn't burn easily and is sticky as hell."

"Fine, I'll play with blubber boy, and you smash the lizard. Our little darlings will give us supporting fire." The 'little darlings' both said something rude, but it was lost as their weapons fired at the evolving lizard creature. The lizard once known as Forty-One was jabbering as it grew, "NOnoNOnonono.. forssssed evolution is for slavesss... I am forty-one.... this... this... hissss!" Boom-Boom put an explosive shell into its ankle, blowing off a foot and sending it sprawling.

Narwhal sent a wide swath of shrapnel into it, causing a dozen wounds. But it still struggled to its feet, one of them rapidly regrowing and much smaller than the other. The bleeding was already slowing. Roaring, it saw Sledgemonkey walking to it, twirling around The First Pipe Wrench like it was a cheerleading baton. As it charged, another shot exploded at its feet, sending it sprawling. Sledgemonkey took advantage of its position and walloped it on the head, cracking its skull.

The lizard screamed in pain, clutching its head, and struck with its long tail. Sledge had been expecting a tail slap and leaped over it, then again as the tail swept back.

"Ha! Like skipping rope while waiting for a tank of booze to work through the distillery. Haven't done this since I was a drunken Junior Engineer." Narwhal shook her head, "After the shit you all went through, I'm surprised he can remember that far back." Boom-Boom grinned, "You learn to keep the good memories when you're that old, and get rid of the bad ones. Which is why most of the Senior Engineers are all acting like they're in their second childhood and chasing after Scavengers and rum. Disgraceful.

Damn, that lizard is quick." The tail swept back again, twice as fast, and the fourth sweep knocked Sledgemonkey through the air. He landed twenty feet away, laughing.

"Need more practice, or more rum. Not sure which." His opponent looked almost recovered, but Narwhal and Boom-Boom had been waiting for just this sort of thing to happen, and now that the older Engineer was out of the way, they put two explosive rounds into the lizard, blowing off both of its legs, wounds which should have killed it, but didn't. Its voice changed back and forth between a sentient being in pain and an enraged beast.

Whale, meanwhile, was playing tag with the Blob that used to be Khemyst number Sixty-Four. It had evolved from a nearly dead human into a lumbering pile of vaguely humanoid blubber covered in greasy gelatin. It wasn't fast, but that didn't mean it wasn't extremely dangerous. She'd started by tossing rocks at it. Each rock hit, stuck securely, and began hissing as it sank further into the rolls of fat. That made her extremely cautious about the creature stumbling toward her.

It was giggling now, and its eyes were huge and protruding from its skull, often looking in different directions. Two Deck Clearer Grenades were tossed. They stuck and then exploded, making a divot in the skin that began to heal. She dodged back from a wild swing and took a cut at the hand that missed her by two feet. Her blade's glow was undiminished as it cut off four fingers on the hand, passing through the sticky flesh without pause.

"That's more like it. Mama knew her new baby wouldn't let her down." She began to slowly take off bits and pieces of the creature, being careful to always stay out of its reach. The amputated bits turned black and dissolved into the ground, and new flesh began to grow wherever she cut. Milo saw all of this, but most of his attention was on Twenty-Seven. His first two spells had hit the glowing, darkened sphere to absolutely no effect. Twenty-seven, floating in the center of it, had laughed.

"Now you see true power, and realize that all of your weapons and spells are useless as I sit here, undisturbed, controlling my monstrosities." Milo didn't reply; he was thinking. Copying Captain Whale, he threw a rock at the sphere, and saw that it vanished as it hit. Another Force spell did the same, as did launching a bone harpoon. His opponent was content to laugh at him and yell commands to the Blob and the Lizard. Finally, Milo walked up to the Sphere to observe it at closer range.

As he'd expected, Twenty-Seven shifted his weight and moved the sphere, looking like a hamster on a wheel in a cage. Milo leaped backward, flipping in the air, putting himself twenty feet away from the Khemyst. He shrugged and examined it from a safe distance, focusing on the sphere itself, first becoming puzzled, but eventually gaining enough data to make some guesses as to what was going on.

As an amused Twenty-Seven observed Sledgemonkey and Whale fighting with his creations, Milo tossed an exploding skull in a fast, flat arc at the center line of the ball. Nothing happened, other than the magical sphere moving a foot in his direction without the Khemyst doing anything. After three more spells failed to do anything at all, he started walking toward the Lizard.

"YES! YES! Admit your defeat. I look forward to watching you fight my superior creations." Twenty-Seven's posture slumped as he realized he was being ignored. He began moving his Sphere of Nullification toward the fight. The double sonic boom of his spells announced two Harpoons of the Wind that hit the Lizard squarely in the back. The thing hissed, as did the two smaller lizards that were following it. They were clumsy and refining their form just as the larger one had. The original looked different.

It had recovered, but not regrown its missing legs, and now had a long, snakelike body. Sledgemonkey yelled out, "Careful, we've got two medium lizards and a few smaller ones running around. They aren't too smart, but they keep coming back! This thing has insane regeneration. But I'm thinking that the TANSTAAFL principle applies." Milo leaped to the Lizard's back, and razor-sharp claws took off an arm. He leaped away just in time as the fanged maw rotated 180 degrees and lunged for him.

He ran to the arm on the ground, already seeing that it was trying to create a new lizard. This was similar to the regeneration trolls had, just much faster. All the new lizards were following the main one, nearly brainless. It was time for an experiment, to see if something living could penetrate the sphere. Running at Twenty-Seven, he threw the large arm at him, hoping he'd made his creations immune to the sphere's effect, and he could use parts to bludgeon the Khemyst.

The experiment failed, but he wasn't disappointed. It was convenient that Twenty-Seven had brought a garbage can to help him clean up.

"Sledge, we need to take turns with the main mob, while we toss the little ones into the black, glowing trash disposal. Don't get close, though; anything it touches is being sent into the Void." The older Engineer's eyes got narrow, then he laughed.

"Do you know how many horrible things we could do with that technology, and this idiot made a glowy-ball?" He laughed and bashed a medium lizard on the head, shattering its skull and pulping its head, then took off toward Twenty-Seven, dragging it behind. Milo got to work, cutting the lizard into smaller pieces. It was still blindingly fast, and the smaller ones were hunting as a pack, now. But Boom-Boom and Narwhal took turns lobbing explosives at the creatures, then running away.

The stunned creatures then had to deal with Milo as he used claws, tail, and spikey stick to turn the large one into medium-sized lizards and then cut those into smaller chunks that made increasingly smaller lizards. Three times, they latched onto his arms or tail, trying to bite through his armor, to no avail. That actually cut down the time it took him to toss them into the sphere. Twenty-Seven was ranting now, urging on his creations, and trying to roll into the dwarves who moved much faster than he.

With the lizard problem almost fixed, Whale began asking for help.

"This thing isn't dying! I need some clever Spanner Boy to come up with a brilliant idea!" Boom-Boom raised his hand, jumping up and down.

"Pick me! Pick me! I have a great idea." Milo and Sledge were both running a small lizard to the Sphere while fending off the pack. Sledge shook his head.

"I just know what that boy is going to say..."

"MORE BOOM! It's the universal answer." Whale yelled at him, "Not going to work. Nar put a shell into it. It stuck on the outside and barely hurt it." Boom-Boom set down his weapon and pulled a large bundle from his pack. Narwhal saw what it was and said a silent prayer to Silenus, the dwarven god of drunkards and idiots.

"You be careful! I don't want to be a widow at my tender age!"

"It's just a hundred pounds of cataclysmite. But maybe you should grab my gun and move back a bit." He ran to Whale, observing her technique with the primordial blade.

"I'm going to need you to put a long slice into it, and keep slicing. A diagonal slice will open better and let you cut deeper. When I say 'Run', get the hell out of here as if rum pirates were stealing your ship." Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

"That's your plan?!"

"Yep, that and one hell of a lot of explosives. We need to internalize the blast and give it too much to heal." Whale shook her head, but got to work. She managed the first long slice and saw that her son-in-law was smarter than he looked. The way the creature wobbled back and forth kept the wound from coming back together. She sliced off two six-inch slabs, dropping the greasy fat to the ground and making the hole deeper. One last attempt created the deep hole that Boom-Boom needed.

He slammed the package inside, turned, and ran, nearly catching up to the fleeing Whale. Narwhal and Sledge were also retreating. Milo stayed, wanting to see the effect the explosion had on the sphere. Three seconds later, the timer went off, and the Blob became small pieces, scattering all over the area and destroying much of the remaining mulch. Whale and Boom-Boom were knocked down and were taking painful burns to their backs until Sledgemonkey sprayed them down with greenish white suds.

Whale walked out of the pile of foam, sputtering.

"What the hell is that shit?" He grinned at her, " All-Purpose Emergency Foam, never leave home without a cannister. I'll take a look at those burns after I hose down Brother Milo. He landed over this way." Milo had gotten to observe the Sphere being totally unaffected by the blast, right before he was picked up and thrown through the air. He landed, slightly stunned and covered in dissolving Blob and then greenish foam that neutralized the acid. He stood up and saw that Twenty-Seven was still in his Sphere.

It was time for another talk. Sledgemonkey began to do first aid on Whale, but Boom-Boom just shrugged and said,"Good Toughness training, and I want to see what happens next. Brother Milo has that look on his face like when he's about to take the pot in poker." Narwhal and her husband accompanied Milo, flanking on either side and a step back, weapons pointed at Twenty-Seven out of habit. Milo looked at the glowering Khemyst.

"At first I was worried, but when you didn't attack, I relaxed. Your Sphere is totally defensive, and you relied on your minions to kill us. Based on how you treat underlings and even peers, I think I'll turn down your offer of apprenticeship. The question now is figuring out the best way to deal with you." Twenty-Seven sneered, "You can't hurt me as long as I keep up the Sphere, and even now, another strike team from Bloth is on the way.

We've been looking for an excuse to invade this area and bring its resources under our control, and you've given me the opening I needed." Milo shook his head, "Doubtful. I don't think you'd delay for any reason if you thought you had the numbers to defeat the Myconians." Speaker rose from the ground.

"This we have suspected for some time. Bargaining failed and left us owing resources when our weakness for fine mulch was exploited. Working together to create advanced Warforms failed when you kept the greatest advances for yourself. Appeasement was seen as weakness, but it bought us time. We are sometimes indecisive, with many voices talking at once, but hearing your threat has decided us. We will deal with you now from strength. You are not welcome here, and all trade must go through intermediaries."

Twenty-seven laughed without humor.

"You are brainless indeed if you think I will take that message to the Council of High Numbers!"

"Need for a messenger, there isn't. It is to hope that you will soon be mulch." It turned to Milo, "The Collective wishes to become allied to the kingdoms above us. We need your strength, and we will supply you with our harvests and open our trade routes to you. We ask in return for your wisdom on new mulching techniques, dealing with our snail problem, and defense against future attacks from Bloth." Milo looked at Boom-Boom, who shrugged.

"I don't see a problem, but I'm the guy who solves problems with high explosives." Speaker bowed low, "We accept your wisdom. The blast was very educational and will help with both snails and Bloth. The Sage has been thinking of his new plans, and they have filtered into our dreams, as has his longing for puffcakes and cheese. We will provide both to our allies. We are curious, though, about what you will do with the soon-to-be-mulch." Milo stepped in front of Twenty-Seven.

"You have a device in your pocket. Don't deny it, I've been watching you, and your stance confirms it. You prefer to rant and sneer with both hands, but have been keeping one hidden. It controls a field of Void Runes in a perfect sphere, transferring energy and matter to the Void. It's ingenious, but you didn't think of it; otherwise, you'd have a better idea of what to do with it, and you'd understand its weaknesses."

"I have no weakness. You're bluffing." Milo shook his head, "No, but you are. I suspect that if Bloth has not found it profitable to invade yet, they certainly won't now that the Myconian Collective has allies and a larger trading network. Your city may be filled with assholes, but everything I've learned about them shows they aren't stupid when it comes to financial situations. I'm betting that smarter, more vicious persons won't care about what happened to you if there is money to be made.

In particular, Bloth must lack high-quality metals. I am unimpressed with your armor. It shreds too easily. We can profit by selling small amounts of Hammer Steel to Bloth, and if they behave, even better alloys. Really? Normal copper wiring? Even the first-year students in the Tower of Strife use Deep Copper for their staves."

"Blothmezbedan will not tolerate the slaying of three Khemysts! This will mean war!"

"No, you overstate your value. The higher numbers will treat you the way you treated Sixty-Four and Forty-One. We'll just keep things quiet and use our victory as a bargaining chip. Your demise has value if the truth is hidden. You've embarrassed them, and they will be happy to forget about you and your loss to a lowly slave."

"You can't kill me. Someone will come to investigate, and I'll be here. I can live on my reserves for years." Milo turned to Boom-Boom.

"I need a timed explosive shell that goes off. 28 seconds after it hits the sphere."

"One Boom, coming up. Load me up, Nar." As Twenty-Seven nervously watched, Boom-Boom lined up the shot as Milo instructed him. The missile hit the Sphere, disappeared, and then the Sphere rolled sixty feet uphill as the Khemyst inside screamed. Milo explained as the other two dwarves came to join them.

"There has to be a single, small aperture into the Void. One the size of the Sphere would collapse and do bad things to everything around it. If an explosion happens in the Void too close to the Aperture, force blows back through, moving the Sphere. It's probably not pleasant for the guy inside. Let's try cutting the delay in half this time."

"You got it." Another missile hit the Sphere, and Twenty-Seven screamed as the ball rolled a full two hundred feet up the cave before stopping. Sledgemonkey was grinning and nodding, following the discussion as Milo explained further, going into the math of what created and controlled the Sphere. Whale and Narwhale looked at each other, and each went for a bottle of rum, their math allergies acting up.

Sledge suddenly stopped, thought, and said, "Oh my, it's also affected by gravity, but what about the person inside? Kinetic energy poisoning could be fatal." Milo grinned.

"We have a way to move the Sphere, and a very deep crack in the ground. Have you ever explored how deep it is, Collective?"

"We have sent scouts, after a descent of one mile, none returned. We have vague impressions of the deeps that cause us nightmares. A field of great rocks constantly in motion, breaking each other apart. A horrible place where nothing could live. Please, let us continue. I think it is up to this brave explorer from Bloth to answer the question of what is down there." It took only a few more shells to get the Sphere over the 'hump' of the cavern, where a slight incline led to the huge crevasse.

The Sphere rolled along, destroying anything it touched and leaving a smooth pathway in the rock to mark its path. By the time they arrived, Khemyst Number Twenty-Seven of the great Council of Blothbezmadan was no longer screaming and probably wasn't breathing. Milo considered not tossing him over the edge. He was curious about what he had in his pocket. But the Sphere wasn't going to remain stable forever, and what happened when it destabilized could be catastrophic. His worries proved to be correct.

The Sphere began to pulse as they approached the crack. Milo pulled everyone back, and Boom-Boom put a last shot into the Sphere to push it over the edge. Then they waited. Thirty seconds later, there was a rumble in the ground from far below, and pale light shone from the crevice. Then everything was silent. The Collective spoke.

"We have disposed of the bad mulch. Let us share information on how we can aid each other." Diplomacy at its Best! The Dwarven Diplomatic Corps each receives 25 Enhancement Points and 1000 Boss Experience. (Including 'Technically a Dwarf' Sage Milo Tallsqueak.)