Chương 7: Aggravation Sundae

The rest of Gnal's work week passed smoothly. That is, until the Void-equivalent of early Saturday morning rolled around and she found a familiar goblin lounging in her office. The clawed feet resting on her desk was the cherry atop the sundae. The flavor of ice cream was aggravation, unfortunately, with a thick anise sauce and arsenic sprinkles.

"Mop," Gnal greeted curtly.

"Hello, Gnal. Long week, yeah?" Gnal swept the goblin's feet from her desk with a swish of a tendril.

"What are you doing here?"

"Well, seeing as it's the end of the work week and all, I thought I'd join you on your next outing." Mop looked at her wrist, pretending to check the time on her nonexistent wristwatch.

"Should be taking off pretty soon, I imagine." Gnal was confused.

"You're going to accompany me home?"

"To Earth, silly. I know you take a weekly trip on your time off."

"How could you possibly know that?"

"You detailed it here, in your planner." Mop pulled a spiral-bound notebook from the desk and held it up as evidence. Claiming the item in Mop's hands belonged to someone else would've been a waste of breath. The overabundance of rainbow-colored kitten stickers spoke for themselves. That, and the fact that Gnal's name was plastered in purple puff paint across the front cover.

"You're very detail-oriented," Mop said, turning the page.

"Put that back!"

"Alright, alright, easy. I can make it worth your while, see?" Mop slid a pen across the desk as seductively as one could slide a pen across a desk. The goblin even gave it an enticing wiggle. It would have been rather impressive had Gnal not noticed several glaring issues with her intended bribe.

"You stole that from the bank."

"What?" Mop blew a raspberry out of the corner of her mouth.

"No."

"I can see the emblem from here."

"Nah."

"It still has the chain on it!" Gnal peered closer.

"Are those…teeth marks? This has been in your mouth, hasn't it?"

"The important thing is, the bank can't prove anything. Not without the evidence. Or surveillance tape. Now" — Mop leaned forward expectantly, folding her clawed hands in front of her — "consider this little pretty here a first installment. There's plenty more where that came from."

"First of all, no. Secondly, no. Thirdly, why an installment plan?" Mop tilted her head to the side innocently, flashing her shiniest smile. It was brimming with the sharpest teeth Gnal had ever set eyes upon. All twelve hundred eyes agreed unanimously.

"I'm not going to take you to visit the child you stole on my weekly visits to Earth. Forget about it."

"So… just this one time then?" This was going to end disastrously. Gnal could already feel it. Her particles whipped and whirled, bouncing against one another as she considered the best way to detangle herself from her current predicament. One trip wasn't too bad, right? A single visit, in and out, no rules broken, and then she could wash her tendrils of the problem forever. Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

Several mouths spoke in unison, each one wincing at the regret-flavored words that rolled off their tongues.

"Get your coat." It was midday when they arrived. Mop and Gnal stepped through the portal outside of the house, behind the protective cover of the lilac bushes. The meticulously landscaped yard looked less neat than it had the week before. The shrubbery was overgrown, unkept, and spilling into the flagstone driveway. The disheveled nature of the yard made it easier to sleuth. Mop ducked and darted from bush to bush, working her way around the house, checking each window she passed.

Gnal willed her particles in the shape of a white, cottony cloud, and followed with markedly less care. They found the household gathered in the sitting room. The window was open, allowing Gnal and Mop to watch the antics unobstructed. Ursula and Thelma scurried across the floor, arms held over their heads, talking fervently over one another. Little Grandma ignored her keepers, happily stacking wooden blocks on top of another as small children are wont to do.

The babe was situated upside down on the ceiling above, also as small children are wont to do. At least Gnal assumed so. Maybe not, given the way her caretakers scurried below like long-tailed cats in a roomful of rocking chairs. Every now and then, a brightly-colored block would remember the rules of gravity and fall, narrowly missing one of the two fretting ladies. A red rectangle clattered against the wood floor between Thelma's feet. She didn't appear to notice.

Her round face was turned upwards, fixated on the babe on the ceiling.

"Gemma, look what Auntie Thelma has for you." She pulled a cookie from the front pocket of her blouse and waved it.

"Come get it." Ursula watched with a scowl as the cookie lifted from Thelma's fingers and floated all the way to the ceiling and into the awaiting hand of Little Grandma.

"That's it!" Ursula whirled around, bathrobe flaring dramatically in her wake.

"I'm getting the broom!"

"Ursula, no! You lost your license."

"Bah!"

"You'll have another accident!"

"Phooey!"

"Your eyesight isn't what it used to be!" Thelma wrung her delicate hands, mind racing for additional ammunition with which to reason her companion from the brink of madness.

"Think of the children?" Ursula came stomping back into the sitting room, lugging a ratty broom behind her. It was covered in dust and cobwebs.

"I am thinking of the children. That one, on the ceiling, specifically!" Gnal watched the wizened old lady and her broom bounce uselessly against the walls. She turned to Mop, eager to be on her way. There was a pen-sized shape burning a hole in her phantasmal pocket. Gnal had multiple eyes set on the newest gel model, equipped with sparkly, ombré-colored ink, and she wasn't about to let a measly detour get between her and the newest prize in her collection.

"Seen enough?" The little goblin refused to tear her gaze from the ongoing chaos.

"Would you look at that? Her first fire!" Mop clasped her clawed hands with pride.

"And so soon, too. I knew Lil Gramma was advanced. I didn't commit my first arson until I was three."

"I'll take that as a no," Gnal sighed. Movement caught her eye, several hundred in fact, and Gnal swiveled her head, squinting at Little Grandma as she toddled along the steeply pitched ceiling, leaving small trails of flame in her wake. The child dodged the spray of Thelma's fire extinguisher with surefooted ease.

"Does Little Grandma seem bigger to you?"

"Of course. She's a baby, Gnal. That's what they do. They grow like weeds."

"She's walking."

"That she is."

"And setting the ceiling on fire."

"As the advanced ones often do," Mop agreed. They both flinched at the resounding slam of Ursula striking the ceiling.

"Got you, you bugger!" The old woman declared triumphantly. The splintered broom straddled beneath her steadily lowered to the floor as she struggled to contain the squalling child.

"It's naptime for you, missy!"

"Oh, lovely," Thelma said with a yawn.

"I've been feeling so knackered lately."

"Not you, pumpkin head!" Thelma's round shoulders sagged miserably.

"But I'm so tired. I haven't had a decent night's worth of sleep in years!"

"Fine. Naps all around then. Including you," Ursula told the drooling infant. Mop's ears lowered as she watched the trio disappear into the hallway.

"It's good to see her so happy, you know." She wiped a hasty hand beneath each eye with a sniff.

"Honestly, I can't help but feel a smidge jealous. She's got the ideal setup here. House, loving family, an abundance of working fire extinguishers. Picture perfect." Gnal summoned the portal to their next destination. Their detour hadn't wasted too much time, lucky. If they hurried, she could squeeze in an extra stop to one of her favorite novelty gift shops before it was time to portal home. Mop reluctantly followed her through the portal.

"Do you think they'd notice if I stayed? I can pass for a hairless cat, can't I?"

"Don't even think about it."