Chương 392: Hedgehogs and Picnics

Marco slowly grew larger, something he could barely tell from his limited point of view, unable to move and facing a stone wall, in a dark corner. Then, with a rush, the potion effects ended, restoring him to full size, and he could move again. During the time he'd been immobile he'd heard the unmistakable voice of Bobby-Chuck as he fought with someone. He recovered just in time to see the barbarian floating away like a giant balloon and then explode, filling the sky with fireworks.

He hoped the drunken idiot had done enough damage to derail the new teleporter or at least provided cover for the others to get to the teleport stone and do the job. He searched around carefully, taking his time to avoid discovery. Moving carefully and slowly, he found a group of people arguing about what sounded like either math or magic. They weren't soldiers, although they might be wizards. They were arguing and screaming at each other about how to proceed.

Nearby was the old teleport stone and a much larger one that was being worked on. He knew his target. He was preparing to charge into them, killing as many as he could, when a battered woman tumbled out of a staircase and drew herself to her feet, standing between him and his quarry. She eyed him and smiled.

"You aren't part of the Legion and not one of mine, so who are you?" Marco, on the other hand, knew exactly who he was facing. They'd been told the descriptions of the Baron and Baroness, and killing or capturing them was a large bonus. He bowed; it always paid to be polite.

"I'm sure you already suspect that I'm here to stop your treacherous plans to take over the North and unleash the horrors of Gadobhra. How about I confirm that, and we begin a lovely duel on the battlements. It will be very cinematic. I'm Marco, by the way."

"Layla, Baroness of Gadobhra. You're from Alchemarx?"

"Just a temp worker, actually. My guild takes jobs for real-world money and doesn't get involved in the politics of corporations. One way or another, this little war ends tonight, and I'll be able to pay my rent and buy a bottle of a dark, sweet red wine to celebrate. But some bonus money would be nice." He drew his sword and took up a fencing stance, hoping she'd accept instead of doing the smart thing and calling for the guards. It was a long shot and not something he expected someone from ACME would fall for.

Astoundingly, she drew her own sword, licking her bloody lips as she did.

"I think I will take you up on your offer. I've been told that to succeed in this world truly, you have to get your hands dirty. A little swordwork is just the thing I need." Her great sword glowed red, as did her eyes. Marco was eyeing the tailored red and black leather armor that fit her like a glove. It was a shame he'd been working for three old hags on this project. The scenery was obviously a lot better in Gadobhra.

"When you are ready then, your excellency." She obliged him with a fast charge and a swing meant to take off his head. He blocked with his shield, but just barely, and managed three quick blows at her in return. One she caught on her sword, the other fell short as she dodged to the side, but the third opened a wound on her arm that dripped blood. She didn't even seem to notice, and her return strikes drove him back against the wall. He swore she was getting stronger with each blow.

Then, he didn't have any more time for retrospection as they fell into the rhythm of the duel. He had to admit, he was enjoying himself. When the guards showed up, it should have been over. Instead, the Baroness waved them off.

"My fight, go find your own or watch and make bets." Most of the soldiers ran past, waved on by the veterans. The three old soldiers stayed to watch, and money started changing hands. Slysnake and Goofur had found a nice little hideout under some debris from the fight and were observing the people working on the stone. They'd seen Marco draw off the Baroness and some of the guards, making their job a lot easier.

"So, what are we thinking? That's a bunch of people there, and they won't all be useless in a fight. Probably some wizards in the group, for all they call themselves 'Professor this' or 'Professor that'. One has to be a witch, and the weird guy with the blue balloon I can't get a read on at all, but he's making me twitchy."

"Well, Marco has his hands full. Bobby-Chuck did his job, but the noise from the gate is getting quieter. I'm betting they wiped out. I say we go now. I've got an Acidic Touch spell that should mess up the stone, but I need to be close to cast it."

"Yeah, that should do it. I have Shatter Enemy of Earth and Stone. It's meant for golems and elementals, but I don't see why it won't work on a rock. If you hit me with Enlarge Animal, and I give you a toss before attacking, that gives us two chances." The professors, Vladimir and especially Damien, were used to weird shit. A 60-foot-long snake throwing a hedgehog with its tail was a new one for all of them.

Vladimir looked up just in time to see the ball of pain coming at him and bat the spikey projectile away from him and over to Damien who tried to block with his Vangordian Attack Balloon. Such an artifact of destruction was highly effective in close-quarter fights but not against any type of porcupine. The balloon popped, creating a small explosion that knocked everyone to the ground and threw Goofur on top of Volminus, to the fat professor's dismay.

His attempt to get the prickly spines out of his chest gave him injured fingers as he tossed the hedgehog away. Goofur rolled across the floor and then sprinted (if such a word can be used with hedgehogs of the four-legged variety) toward the stone. Slysnake, in the form of an Enlarged giant constrictor, wrapped his tail around one of the Tommaso twins and tried to use him to hit the other. Both responded at the same time with their Extreme Voltage Shocking Grasp spell.

The combined spells surged through the snake, severing its tail and stunning the twins as the feedback hit them. Any attempt to change back to a human form would leave the shifter without his lower legs, so he abandoned attacking and did his best to slither toward the stone in hopes of being able to change and cast before he bled out. The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings. Damien had other plans.

"I've never had a good reason to test my new Death Ray, but someone owes me a new balloon, so someone needs to die!" He pulled a strange metal tube from his pocket, cranked a handle until it emitted sparks, and pointed it at the wounded snake. Several things happened at once: First, the snake exploded into several pieces as the glowing purple ray hit its body, reducing it to scattered scales and bits of meat.

Secondly, the contraption exploded, knocking Damien through the air to land in the remains of Ozzy's sausage stand. The last effect was to blind almost everyone except the racing hedgehog, who was looking away, and Vladimir, who was glaring at it through engineering goggles while sucking on his punctured fingers. The hedgehog changed into a small man who placed his hand on the stone and cast a spell, summoning a green cloud that bathed it in acid.

In return, Vladimir brought down a large silver wrench on his skull, shattering it and sending brains in all directions. Vladimir looked at the stone, cursing in two languages, making even Titania hold her ears. Outside, in the forests, screams and cries of pain drifted over the walls of the keep. Besides the main assault group led by Marco, smaller groups of players were being brought back continuously now, and fed into the meat grinder.

The witches heard the screams and saw their debt mount but knew they had to press onward. They knew Billy didn't have troops to recycle the way they did, so every death their players caused was costing him. If they could keep sending warm bodies into the fight, they'd win, and winning could erase all debts. The enemy had to be at a breaking point by now. The 'enemy' was currently hiding in a thick gorse bush and taking a break.

Three wyverns were nesting in the same area, and the players naturally avoided it, giving the hungry heroes a chance to enjoy a small snack, which they shared with the hungry hatchlings.

"Larry likes picnics. Especially with Stinky Cheese and good friends." <I can't believe you two prefer Sedge Cheese to Camembert. Camembert goes great with ears! >"Squire Bug has weird ideas. Stinky Cheese is the best. And ears are for questing." <You quest your way, and I will quest mine. I find ears to be a delightful snack between ambushes. > There was a distinct rumbling from the butterfly. < Rolly, I'm hungry again! >"Again? You just ate an entire halfling!

He didn't even know you were there until he was halfway down your throat. Is this another growth spurt you're going through?" <Maybe. I just know I'm very hungry. We should go back to ambushing. > Squire Squeak had watched Squire Bug ambush the halfling ranger, shooting at the guards, and then swallow him whole. He was still trying to understand where it all went.

"To be honest, he was skinny for a halfling. But are you sure your stomach doesn't function as extra-dimensional storage?" Squire Shepherd tossed his ears to Squire Bug, who devoured them like potato chips.

"Squirmie is just very quick at digesting things. She took Efficient Digestion 1 and 2, and synergy gives her a 3rd level of enhancement. We regenerate health and stamina much quicker than normal, but we eat a lot." Squire Squeak was unconvinced.

"I still think the theory is sound, and it would explain your ability to grow larger so quickly. All of the mass is held in an N-dimensional space and shifted back and forth as needed." Squire Shepherd nodded in understanding.

"I've been thinking that ever since we met, and it's a sound theory." <NO! I mean... it's just good digestion and clean living. My, look at the time. Shouldn't we get back to questing? Lots of ears to collect. > Sir Larry jumped to his feet.

"Yes, Squire Bug is correct. We have more questing to do. We must stand against the Army of Darkness and Banish the Evil Witches. And Larry wants to see the trick where Squire Bug lifts someone into the air by their ears and then drops them." Squire Squeak looked at his list.

"That would finish this section of our list. Let's get to work." Squirmie seemed to ripple and became twice as big, with a huge, drooling maw and six sharpened claws. Rolly's form was encased in hard, black chitin; his arms became long, scything talons. He looked at Squirmie through multifaceted eyes and smiled, also showing fangs. Squirmie picked him up, and they flew to the top of the trees. Below, heavy bone covered Squire Squeak, and sharp claws punctured his gloves.

Sir Larry strode into the forest, "Those are nice people. I'm glad we visited this friendly little town." A long, echoing "Halooooooo!" split the night, and four adventurers in shabby starting armor were herded their way. They paused for an instant in dismay, which gave Squire Squeak a chance to summon a Rune of Force and knock them all down before the Knight began tapdancing on their heads. Rolly and Squirmie appeared, claws bloody from the first two casualties, helping to clean up the group.

They were being careful to collect the ears before the bodies faded away. <Excellent teamwork. And good news, one has been helpful enough to point us in the direction of where the witches are hiding. It is time to put an end to this little war. And then I want dessert. > Unaware of the Doom coming for them, the Witches of Alchemarx continued their evil work.

"I don't think I can do another batch; my head is splitting like it was growing horns."

"Deal with it, dearie. We're out of painkillers and alcohol, and we smoked the last of that Moot Weed we bought from that halfling merchant."

"Next time we find him, we have to look into that further. Why try to corner the market on groats if there are drugs to sell?"

"Drugs? I thought that was just pipe tobacco?"

"Is that why you didn't try any? What did you think it was? Your loss. But the point is, we're about to die of exhaustion. Do we try for another batch or go for the bigger summoning? We only get one chance at it." There was a sudden silence, and they felt their debt increase as many people died.

"Yeah, it's time for the big one. I'll load up the Black Cauldron, and one of you needs to check the calculations on the abacus again. The wrong amount of ingredients could be disastrous. It's time to go out with a bang and bring ACME to its knees."