Chương 29: Octopodes Nuts

I've had my ups and downs since I woke up in this weird place. I've struggled with loneliness, frustration, anxiety, and depression, but even if I'm not exactly happy about it, I've gotten used to this as my new normal. At least I thought I had. Right now, though, between my constantly aching body, Maggie and Violet fighting each other, and the rogue monster disappearing somewhere in the middle of what's supposed to be my only safe spot... I might be getting a little upset.

"Nipper? Nipper!" I call out, pacing in a circle around the giant pillar to cover the entire room.

"Crud on toast! Where the heck did he go?"

"I somehow doubt the monstrous worm creature is going to answer to the name we gave it ten minutes ago, Allison," Maggie deadpans.

"I don't think it's even got any ears."

"Well he can't have gone far," I insist.

"He moves at like half the speed of smell."

"Why did you name it in the first place if you were planning to vivisect it?" Violet asks.

"Because it's cute, obviously." Maggie's got a weird sense of aesthetics, but I'll admit that the name is cute at least.

"I don't understand," I groan.

"There's candles all over the place. If he's not after us, wouldn't he just go after those?"

"Maybe he's realized you're too big to eat, and you won't let him eat magic candles," Maggie suggests.

"So he's gone off to look for something else." I scrunch up my face in a confused grimace.

"There's no way he's that smart, right?" Violet sighs.

"Either way, we'd better find it soon. It may be slow, but this is a labyrinth. The longer we lose track of it, the harder it will be to find again." Vi has a point. Aside from a few specific routes between the map room, the exit, and the altar-turned-toilet room, I don't actually know my way around the Labyrinth of Candles. I'm not too worried about getting lost, thanks to [Retraced Steps], but you can forget about comprehensively sweeping the place.

The first thing I do is start checking the immediate exits from the map room to see if I can spot him squirming down any adjacent hallways. While I'm busy with that, Maggie and Violet find another thing to argue about.

"How do you know Nipper is male?" Violet asks.

"He, she, it—whatever! Who cares? It's a bug!"

"Accuracy is important," Vi insists.

"And it would be good to know how they reproduce." I can just imagine Maggie's eyes rolling as she responds sarcastically.

"Yeah, cause that's what we need," she says with a scoff.

"Our survival hinges on the ins and outs of bug fucking. I didn't think you'd be into that sort of thing, Vi."

"That's not—""I mean, I guess he is kinda phallic. I'm not judging."

"Would you both shut up?!" I shout.

"Holy crud muffins, you two. Just fricking stop for like five minutes!" It occurs to me that the three of us haven't often been active at the same time. Somehow even when Maggie and Violet were on their own without me, they managed to at least sort of work together. But with me in front, they've got nothing better to do than sit on my metaphorical shoulders and shout at each other past my ears. It's really annoying!

"Oops," Maggie snickers.

"I think we hit a nerve. Is princess sunshine too prim and proper for dick jokes?" Ugh. Mags is the type that likes to cause problems on purpose. It's probably just her own way of keeping herself entertained, which I get, but doing it at our expense isn't going to work. She's definitely got the wrong idea about me, though, and I know how to play her game, even if I don't like it.

"I mean, if you can even call that a joke," I snort derisively.

"Wow, good job, worm look like penis. You're so funny and clever." I applaud sarcastically as I sweep through one of the hallways for the dick in question.

"Hey, I'm not the one who's into bug sex," Maggie tries to counter. Violet sputters indignantly, but I cut her off before she can give Mags any more fuel.

"Then why did you bring it up? I mean, I know there's not a whole lot of options down here, but surely you can do better than that."

"Wow, Allie," Maggie responds with faux indignation.

"I can't believe you'd kinkshame Violet like that."

"I'd really like to point out that I'm not—""I'm not judging anybody's preferences," I interrupt poor Vi.

"Just your surprisingly limited imagination." That gives her pause for a moment, which I take to check another hallway. How far can the stupid little monster have gone?

"Oh really?" Maggie tries another angle.

"Been giving it a lot of thought, have you? Considered a bit of private time with just you and one of these candles? They're the right size and shape for it."

"Maggie!" Violet scolds her, sounding genuinely scandalized. Me? I just shrug.

"I'd be lying if I said I hadn't thought about it."

"Allison?!" Vi's voice sounds almost betrayed, she's so shocked.

"What?" I protest.

"I'm bored, Violet, and we're not exactly drowning in things to do for fun. It would be too awkward with you two here, though, and I'm so filthy right now that it might be a serious health risk." You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author. I feel bad about how uncomfortable Violet is with the conversation, but at least the banter has redirected Maggie's attention away from her. Am I going to be stuck babysitting them like this forever?

I wanted people to talk to, but I feel like the World Engine, or whatever that weird interference was, granted my wish like a monkey paw. I like Violet, and I would even like Maggie in different circumstances, but they'd be the sort of friends that I invite to different parties. Mercifully, my bold confession has managed to stun both of them into silence long enough for me to spot my quarry.

In hindsight, I probably should have guessed that if Nipper isn't trying to eat me or the candles, there's only one other option. The stinking pile of refuse left over from Violet's botched first attempt at butchering a laser gecko. Well, that or the sack of meat I left in the map room, but that was the first thing I checked. There he is—or she or it, Vi's right that we don't know—just happily munching away on what must be week-old offal by now.

That nasty corpse has been an unhappy greeting every time I leave or come back, since it's right by the exit, and until now I thought that it was a decent repellant, since nothing else has ever touched it. This entire time, there's been no sign of bugs, rock snails, laser geckos, or anything else near the smelly old corpse. Until now.

"That's disgusting." Even Maggie can't bring herself to find anything to appreciate about the sight of Nipper diligently consuming more than its own volume in stale lizard guts.

"Where's he putting it all?" I wonder incredulously as the worm just keeps on going.

"Some kind of magical metabolism maybe?" Maggie suggests.

"That's the sort of thing I want to find out by cutting him open."

"Better question," Vi interrupts.

"I hadn't noticed before because I was trying my best to avoid the remains, and they've always smelled foul, but is it just me or is that lizard carcass distinctly... not rotten?" Now that she mentions it... I have no idea. I haven't seen any bugs around—normal sized bugs—and like Vi said, the corpse stinks to heck and back, but I don't really know how else I would be able to tell. Maggie agrees right away, though.

"Actually yeah, I thought it was just a failure of the skill, but I've been trying to use Quick Sort to figure out which of our rations are safest to eat, but most of it just keeps coming back even. Our fresh lizard meat isn't any safer than the last scrap of snail that Allie 'accidentally' dropped in the stream while you were making our waterskin."

"Wait, you did what?" Violet asks me.

"I, uh, thought it was no good," I hedge—not technically lying. Vi doesn't buy it.

"We can't just throw away food, Allie," she sighs.

"Especially if it actually doesn't rot. I'll suffer the less palatable stuff, but don't just discard things without asking!" I grimace. It's not like I don't taste it when Violet eats things. It's just that it's more like the memory of tasting it. Also, the snail meat leaves a very long lasting aftertaste of dirt.

"Fine," I concede, begrudgingly.

"Are you really sure that it's not rotting, though?" Maggie is surprisingly insistent in her response.

"Definitely. I'm trying other things to use as comparisons—oxidation, dryness, even staleness are all valid, but not rotten or poisonous. Aside from the actual fecal matter and acid in the guts, it's all still edible." I don't relish the idea of trying to recover the old carcass that's been marinating in its own spilled guts, but at the rate Nipper's going, I might not even have to.

"Should we, uh, stop him?" I muse aloud.

"Now that it's gotten a chance to eat, we should probably just kill it to be safe," Vi says.

"You know..." Maggie drawls slowly.

"I was going to cut it open for study, but this has me thinking. I figured Nipper was just a mindless worm, but it is big enough to have a complex nervous system, and there are smart invertebrates—like octopuses."

"Isn't it octopi?" I interrupt.

"I've heard octopodes," Vi adds.

"Octopodeez nuts," Maggie scoffs.

"Nerds. The point is, if he's smart enough to avoid going after us or the things that we push him away from, then maybe he's smart enough to be trained."

"You're joking," Vi says flatly.

"I'm just saying it's possible. If I can study whatever magic makes it tick while it's alive, that's a lot better, and if it works, maybe we get ourselves a guard dog... worm."

"At best you're talking about a wild animal—which are not safe to handle or raise, even for experts—and at worst, a monster."

"But people do train wild animals sometimes, especially if they're newborns," Mags points out.

"And for every story like that, there's another where they get eaten because their pet bear or whatever got hungry," Vi insists.

"It's not safe!"

"Yeah, but what if it evolves into a cute moth? That'd be awesome!"

"This isn't a game, Maggie! You want to risk our life for that?!" I point accusingly at the disgusting little creature, now slick with stale gore and offal, like a giant purplish-black maggot chewing on what might be our only lifeline if we run out of rations.

"Oops!" Allison exclaims.

"I think you just snatched the driver's seat, Vi." I scowl at that. I didn't mean to. Definitely didn't want to. I feel a little bit better after Allie defended me, but Maggie wasn't wrong about us getting hurt when I'm in front. Then again, there's a threat to our lives right in front of us and the others aren't taking it seriously. Maybe that's why we switched.

"I'm going to kill it," I inform them, reaching for the knife at my belt only to realize that Allison left it behind with the waterskin and rations. Careless, but it's been a stressful day, so I can't say I blame her.

"Hold on Violet," Maggie says, her tone uncharacteristically flat.

"I really didn't want to do this, but I need that specimen alive, and if you insist on killing it, I will use my last resort."

"Oh what now?!" I snap.

"More threats and insults? Are you going to start calling me names? Throw the rest of our rations into the chasm this time?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Vi, we both know that won't stop you. Pissing you off was just for fun, this is real. I know what your weakness is." Something in her tone makes my hair stand on end, and I feel a prickle in the back of my neck.

"What are you talking about?"

"Simple. If I can learn to replicate the process these worms use to magically generate their silk, then we'll have a replenishable source of fabric that we can use for bandages, clothes, or..." she pauses, and I can practically hear the smirk in her voice.

"Shoes." My eyes widen and I take a step back immediately.

"Violet, please!" I beg.

"Give her a chance! I'll do anything! I know it's a big risk, but I need —oh!" I look down at my hands. I'm in front again?

"Oh, you absolute —" Violet fumes, but doesn't finish whatever she was about to call Maggie.

"Wait..." I mutter, Maggie's cackling laughter ringing in my ears." I'm her weakness?! Oh my gosh, Mags, that's so mean!" Her cackling only grows louder in response.

"Two for the price of one! Now let me get a look at Nipper while he's eating, I want to see how he's taking in so much mass without getting bigger." I put my hands on my hips and frown, shaking my head.

"Nuh uh! You might think you're clever, Maggie, but you've been overplaying your hand and I'm not stupid either," I tell her.

"I know your weakness too, and I'm not letting you in front or getting anywhere near Nipper until you answer something for me."

"Oh shit," she mutters.

"This is exactly why I didn't want to do that."

"Maggie, I know you've figured something out, so seriously, without playing around, tell me—how the frick are you forcing us to switch?"