Chương 147: 62. New Is Exciting

We sit in awkward silence, kneeling at the table in the center of our room. I'm at a loss for words. I'm not even entirely sure what exactly just happened—just that we woke up in tears and that Evelyn... did something. My heart hurts to think about it. I feel raw and vulnerable. Betrayed, without even knowing how or why. It's Maggie who ends up breaking the silence.

"So..." she drawls.

"You decided to use your new dream powers to go digging around in our subconscious, huh?" Is that what happened? Maggie's always got a good intuition for this sort of stuff, and it feels right. I'm so confused right now.

"Yes. I'm sorry," Evelyn replies quietly.

"No you're not," I snap, surprising myself with my own voice.

"Sorry. I mean... I don't think you regret it." I don't even know where that certainty comes from, but I am certain.

"No, I don't. But I do apologize for invading your privacy."

"An apology without regret sounds kinda fake, don't you think?" Maggie points out.

"You violated us."

"All of us," Violet interjects.

"That... includes her. Doesn't it?" This is so weird. So much feels like it changed, literally overnight. Vi gets along pretty well with Evelyn, but one thing they've both pretty consistently agreed on is the fact that Evie isn't one of us. Hearing her insist to Maggie that she is feels backwards.

"And would you forgive me for something like that?" Maggie counters.

"Whether or not she's included in 'us' doesn't change what she did."

"What um... did she do, exactly?" I hedge.

"Reverie led me to a place in your—our mind. Minds?" Evelyn starts to explain.

"It was... warm and safe. Familiar, despite being alien. I found something there."

"She found our deepest fucking insecurities," Maggie mutters darkly.

"Revi showed E'ava our heart, and she took the opportunity to stab it!"

"No, it wasn't..." Evie starts, then trails off.

"Maybe at first. I thought it would be... I don't know. Proof of who you really are. Weaknesses? I don't know what I was really looking for, apart from what I found."

"Truth," Violet concludes.

"Truth can be pretty painful," I sigh.

"And I feel like whatever you did wasn't one-way."

"No," Evie agrees.

"I saw you all, and I was seen in return. It was excruciating." I guess that explains why we woke up in tears. It still kind of hurts—not physically, just emotionally. Even this conversation is weird. None of the normal misunderstandings or arguments—it's like we don't even actually need the words, they're just a formality. Each of us just understands what the others are trying to say before we even say it. I don't think this is a permanent thing, but it feels weird. A complicated paradox of comfort and discomfort.

It's nice to understand them so deeply, to feel so close, but it's also making me feel unbearably insecure.

"It was excruciating for all of us!" Maggie argues.

"How can we trust you not to pull some shit like this again?"

"I won't," she promises.

"I don't even think I can. You're right, that I don't regret it, but knowing what it was like... I can't do that again. I really am sorry."

"I think that's good enough for me," I decide.

"She's apologized, and she's promised not to do it again. I don't think you were trying to hurt us, right?"

"I wasn't trying not to, either, but..." She sighs.

"No, I don't think I want to hurt you. Any of you. I don't really know who or what I am, anymore. I'm still E'ava'al'n, I think. I just... need to figure out who that is."

"Fucking easy for you to say!" Maggie complains.

"Allie, do you have to always be such a pushover? We let her in, and she took advantage of us!" I reach down to where Nipper is curled up next to us, his head resting on our thigh, and pet him gently.

"So did you," I remind her.

"We forgave you, didn't we? Gave you another chance. Evie deserves the same."

"This was her second chance!" Maggie argues.

"Don't forget about what she did to us back in the convergence point. What she did to me!"

"What would refusing to forgive her even look like?" Vi asks.

"What would you have us do? Try to take revenge? Torture her? We can't hurt her without hurting ourselves."

"No! I don't want to hurt her, I just..." Maggie trails off, growling in frustration.

"Rrrgh, I don't know! I'm just pissed off, okay? And I'm annoyed that you guys aren't pissed off too!"

"I'm not happy about it," Violet says.

"But maybe this needed to happen. There's no point in constantly fighting each other."

"As if anything is ever going to stop that," Maggie quips sarcastically.

"But fine. Whatever. It's not like I can do anything about this but silently seethe. You know who I'd really like to give a piece of my mind, though?"

"No?" I muse.

"You're pretty open about saying what you think. With us, at least."

"Reverie," she hisses.

"Who does she think she is, unilaterally letting E'ava in like that? I don't like the idea of some dream-person living in our head and just fucking around of her own accord." This story has been unlawfully obtained without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

"That's a good point, actually," Vi agrees.

"We know almost nothing about her, apart from what Eva has told us."

"River is just trying to protect us," Evie argues.

"In her way."

"It would still be nice to be able to actually talk to her," I sigh.

"But she doesn't seem to want to wake up or front."

"Another problem for us to work on," Vi grumbles.

"Perhaps Eva can develop a skill or spell to call on her."

"I'll see what I can do," Evie promises. I shuffle some of the papers on our makeshift desk idly, just to do something with my hands. What an emotional start to the day. I can't even remember whose day it's supposed to be, or what we have planned. Thankfully, we've been keeping track with our own little handmade calendar.

"Looks like it's Vi, today," I muse, looking it over.

"You didn't write anything down, though. Another visit to Anna's lab? The university is gonna start charging us tuition at this rate."

"Actually, I think I'm ready to try something more practical today," she replies.

"As harrowing as last night was, I actually feel a lot better, and after discussing things with Anna, I'm a lot more confident that any spells we plan to use in combat should be made ahead of time."

"I mean, I'm pretty sure Talla said the same thing," I point out.

"That it's better to have your spells ready ahead of time so that you can practice with them safely before using them in more urgent scenarios." I really wish I could say something about the idea that we're even going to need combat spells, but... I'm not that naive. Obviously I don't want to go around picking fights or exploring dungeons, but violence has a habit of finding us whether we want it to or not. So I'm with Vi, it's better to be prepared for the worst.

"I trusted her opinion, but I wanted a second one," Vi argues.

"I'm equally convinced that it's better to hold potential utility spells in reserve until they are needed, which is something that Talla didn't recommend at all."

"Fair enough," I concede.

"Anyway, I've got a few ideas for new spells to make now, we just need to go outside."

"Sounds like a plan!" * Among the many features of the sprawling Goa estate is a sandy training yard. It has a few targets set up for practicing archery or shooting—a weird overlap by my standards, but Fa'aun society still considers them to be equivalent disciplines—but it's mostly just a wide open space for people to practice without having to worry about collateral damage. We haven't come here often.

In part because we've been quietly avoiding the harsh reality of violence in this world, but also because we haven't really had anything to practice. Our [Explosive Throw] skill is a bit much, even for the dedicated target dummies—and I'd rather keep it as a secret trump card, anyway—while the built-in pyrokinesis of [Pyrothaumaturgy] is very much not combat material.

When empowered by one of the mana candles, Maggie was able to use it to devastating effect, but under normal circumstances, the moment a naked flame is out of our direct control it just vanishes without something to fuel it. At its absolute best, it's like tossing a lit lighter at somebody. Not harmless, but not exactly efficient. Hopefully, I'll have a solution for that now.

Aside from that, I suppose I could have practiced with my spear here, but it makes me feel self-conscious when people are watching, and it turns out that while a dagger is acceptable, walking around town armed with a spear is frowned upon. I like the spear, and I hope to get more opportunities to practice with Draga, but for now it's better to focus on the things that can't be taken away from us.

"Oh! Maev! Miss Maev is here!" someone calls out as we approach.

"Look out!" Maggie cries.

"Demons!" I suppose that's the other reason we don't come here often. A small throng of young boys immediately crowds around me, shouting excitedly, shoving past each other, and throwing the occasional headbutt. The training yard is a popular place for adolescent boys to work out their aggression on each other, and there's often a crowd of them here, playing, sparring, or just loitering because their friends are here.

We haven't spent much time with the children—especially the boys—but somehow every single one of them knows us by name and they are invariably excited to see us.

"[Why do they like us so much?]" I grouse.

"[They've barely seen us.]""That's kids for you," Allie chuckles.

"They get attached easily, and new is exciting. At least say hi to Graha, he's Talla's youngest brother."

"[Which one of them is— ow!]" I skip back from the mob as one of them nails me in the shin with his stubby horns.

"That one," Allie giggles.

"Graha, please don't do that," I scold him gently.

"It hurts."

"You were ignoring me!" he whines.

"Are you here to play?" Before I can answer, one of the taller boys raps him on the head with a stick.

"Graha! What have I told you about butting?!" he demands. The younger boy rubs the top of his head, frowning.

"Don't?"

"More specifically."

"Don't butt anybody that's supposed to be a friend?"

"Because...?"

"Because it's rude and mean and starts a fight. I know! I'm sorry." The older boy shakes his head and sighs.

"I'm not the one you should apologize to." Graha turns back to me, red-faced even through his fine white fur, and bows.

"Sorry, Miss Maev."

"Good," the older boy declares with a nod.

"Now why don't you lead your friends on a run? Let's say... two circuits around the estate." A chorus of groans and jeers rise through the entire group of children, but they obediently set off on a jog, leaving only the older boys behind, including the one who reprimanded them. He offers me a polite bow.

"Miss Maev. I apologize once more on my younger brother's behalf," he says.

"His horns just came in last year and he's been too eager to use them." Oh no. Have I met this guy before? Should I know his name? It's rude if I don't know his name, right?

"Daani Goa Baanu," Allie provides for me.

"Second youngest brother, third youngest sibling of Talla." How many siblings do they have?!

"Daani Goa Baanu," I reply formally.

"Thank you." He leans on his stick and waves dismissively.

"Just Daani is fine. Please, allow me to make up for my brother's rudeness. You came to practice, right? Not to brag, but I'm the best among my siblings with a sword or spear. I'd be happy to be your sparring partner."

"Okay, just a heads up because I'm worried you won't notice," Allie chimes in before I can say anything.

"But he is one hundred percent flirting with you." Wait, what?

"It's the posture," Eva confirms.

"He's trying to impress you." Daani stands maybe half a head taller than me before his horns, which only look to be about half-sized, and doesn't wear much more than a red sash across his chest and the usual loose skirt around his waist. His fur, while not totally white, is a very light blonde that looks almost white in the bright sun. He meets my eyes with an eager grin, waiting for my reply.

"How old are you?" I ask.

"Thirteen this year!" he answers immediately.

"Why?" It takes every ounce of my self control not to just scowl immediately. I guess I'm not done entertaining children after all.

"I'm not here to spar," I say, as politely as I can with my limited grasp of the language.

"May I use the practice range?" The adolescent boy falters momentarily, but swiftly rallies.

"Of course! I'm not too bad with a bow, either! I'll take you right over. Maybe I can even show you some pointers!" Great. I've always wanted to learn how to throw fire while fending off the awkward advances of a teenage boy. Normally, I'd just let Allie handle this, but I need to stay in front to practice this kind of magic. I'll just have to be very careful with my words.

"So is it true you saved Rara from a mugging? I wish I could have been there! I've never been in a real fight before—it sounds incredible!" And my aim.