Chương 54: Chapter 51: Two Sides of the Same Coin

The kerfuffle with Roxina severely demoralized Nolotl. A part of him understood the woman, yet most of him couldn't even begin to comprehend what was wrong. She joked herself about illegal stuff before and she had accepted to make mines—antipersonnel ones at that—but now it was suddenly wrong? The more he thought about it, the sourer he became. He knew that was a downwards spiral, one that it fed on itself to breed more discontent, so Nolotl stopped thinking about it and did what he did best.

Working until his body and mind failed. Regardless of the Confluence of the Four Dimensions ritual, he still had two spells to learn. And one of them had high priority due to the deadline of Enantyum's assignment. He didn't have time to over his misery. Misery that was mostly self-imposed by his mind. He spent two weeks under high doses of emotion-numbing cantrips whilst working on his voice-based spells with little rest or sleep. He barely got out of his room either.

At some point, he was so exhausted that he had the Simulacrum bring him food from the canteen with very expensive applications of telekinesis, but he soon grew tired of it. Next time he got a sack of preserved food and ate it whenever he felt hungry, which was perhaps once per day. As for the water, he just drank from the faucet of the bathroom. He didn't have a glass on room, but it was easy enough to drink straight from the tap.

The installations of the Empyrean Academy were the best in the world just because of that. Flowing water of any temperature at several kilometers of altitude couldn't even be envisioned anywhere else. The diviner continued studying the ritual as he hoped to perform it at some point even if it wasn't at this loop. After all, he had many tries to succeed. What did it even matter that he had made Roxina angry at him this time? In a handful of weeks, he would get a clean slate and could try again.

This was only a hiccup.

"No…" Nolotl muttered sluggishly, his throat aching from all the singing and chanting.

"S-something… something's wrong." He blinked slowly, his mind feeling like a mess. Something was utterly wrong with that school of thought. Perhaps it was disgusting from an ethic or moral standpoint, but that wasn't the issue. No, it was far more personal. A personal standpoint that defined a person. Even through all the hatred that his triumvirate of spirits could manage, Nolotl didn't have him in him to hate a person for such reasons.

No crimes nor sins had been committed, and those were the only cases where odium should be allowed. Anything else was cruelty, vice, and sin itself.

"The notifications…" He realized in a spur of clarity.

"I haven't been receiving Madness notifications when they should be present." And the illusion shattered. You are clear of Madness. You are clear of Apathy. You are clear of Resignation. Immediately, Nolotl felt the thick mist occupying his mind beginning to lift. He was still sluggish of thought and action due to his sedentary lifestyle of these last weeks, but a newfound power made him stand in defiance.

"You will need to do better, Ehecatl," Nolotl stated in a regal tone, reminding himself of what he was. A prince, a diviner, a warrior, a priest, but mostly importantly, someone who knew himself. Ha, ha, ha… A slow and presumptuous laughter echoed in the liminality between minds. The wind of lies didn't elaborate any further as it retreated back to its cradle-prison, but the gnosiamancer could understand the attitude behind such odious laughter.

Perhaps it had lost this battle, but he had won a skirmish, and if skirmishes could be won, so could the war. Without realizing it, he had lost two weeks of his life, and nothing confirmed to him that the next could be his whole life.

"Pulsars," Nolotl cursed as he collapsed back on the desk's chair.

"One simple slip… What a pervading creature…" He felt disgusted with himself for having succumbed to the snaky whispers of the parasite, even if it had been temporarily.

"No, that's not the subject at hand currently. And I cannot be defeated by this, it feeds on misery and negativity," the diviner stood up again.

"I need to rejoice on the positive aspects: it has shown that it can win, but that it can also lose." The veracity of his statement left a lot to be desired, but nonetheless, Nolotl Xocoyotzin stood with his head high.

"Now there's something else I have to do." A slight whiff reached his nose as he spoke.

"Though first I should wash myself." Truth be told, his resigned self hadn't been lying when it failed to comprehend Roxina. He truly couldn't. His whole life had been marked by death. Yes, life was sacred in Nochochenca and he was compelled by both duty and personal beliefs to not kill anyone. But at the same time, he knew when it was correct to raise one's spear. Pacifism was a deeply flawed mentality, violence would still exist, regardless of if the hostility came from people or not.

Sometimes one needed to be armed just for the sake of deterrence, and other times one had to strike beforehand. Mistakes could be made, but the serpent would always lunge whenever it felt intimidated, whether the target was prey or predator. Such was a simple axiom of nature. But nature and civilization could coexist. And that was why Nolotl found himself down at the city of Descent, in front of Roxina's workshop.

He had washed himself, donned clean clothes, and had a decent meal at the canteen, yet he felt the knot on his throat form again. How curious that confronting certain death unsettled him less than dealing with a person he might've hurt.

"Ah," he sighed softly before opening the door. As the bell rung, Roxina immediately noticed him. She had been crunching numbers at the counter, so her face inevitably raised to look at him. The first reaction was scorn.

"I told you that…" Yet the words died in her mouth and worry suddenly flooded her visage.

"Dear Celestials, what has happened to you, Nolotl? You look miserable."

"An outburst of insanity, but that doesn't matter." He didn't want to divagate nor make excuses. Without hesitation, the Empyrean of Information made his way to the ground, one knee on the floor whilst the other was raised and served as a rest for his forearm.

"I apologize for my previous behavior, Levoti Roxina." The terian didn't dare to look upwards, instead keeping his head crestfallen. The gesture was Tezlan in nature and the Tamorean might not understand it, but it felt wrong to use any other gesture. In Tamor this meant respect, but in Tezlan it meant apologies. The photomancer failed to speak, but Nolotl could hear her soft steps slowly approaching. No matter how close got, he failed to react.

"There's so many things I want to say…" she said softly accompanied by a sigh.

"But first, what was that about a bout of insanity?"

"I felt deeply indignant at myself for causing you any discontent." Whilst his answer was truthful, the gnosiamancer still avoided to mention the host occupying his additional mind.

"I… I really don't get how these can be related. Just… just raise your head." With some hesitation, Nolotl obeyed her command and almost became petrified upon seeing her visage. Worry. It still shone with worry.

"This is stupid," Roxina clicked her tongue and brushed aside a lock of hair that had fallen upon her eyes.

"I'm the older one, and by a lot at that, and I burst out at you in such a manner…"

"No," he countered.

"It's me who was at fault. I should have been more explicit with the order."

"No, it's just excuses from my part," she sighed.

"It was obvious from the start but I kept telling myself that they were just 'concussion' mines so they couldn't kill or wouldn't be used by that. I was lying to myself instead of properly addressing it from the beginning because I didn't want to face the truth. I… I don't understand how you can be so casual about killing. I know that people constantly die at the academy, but that's very different from… well, this."

"I'm not trying to make you understand or anything, Ro…xina." Nolotl almost used 'Roxy' but the word felt too predatory to use it at this moment.

"I only wanted to apologize for trying to coerce you into making weapons," he stood from his half-kneeling position. The whole ordeal left him a sour taste in his mouth, nearly as repulsive as Beta's death. Yes, the loop would revert anything, but he hated that anything had come to such extremes. He would still depend on the Empyrean of Light for hylomorphisms in the future, but he now knew better than to issue her weapon requests.

The tanned woman didn't strike him as pacifist, but one didn't need to be to desire that their creations weren't used to spill blood.

"Wait," Roxina called out to him after he had turned his back.

"As much as this has left a sour taste in my mouth, I don't want you to leave. For better or worse, we're fellow empyreans and will continue to interact. There's no need to force a rift between us and let it grow, even if my time as an Empyrean is coming to a close. And perhaps yours too… But the subject at hand isn't that! Tell me, regardless of what I do or say, will you still need those mines?" This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

"Yes," he responded plainly.

"I will simply find other ways to deal with my future."

"I see…" The photomancer pinched the bridge of her nose.

"So blood will probably be spilled no matter what I do?"

"Most likely," the gnosiamancer added taciturnly. Roxina snapped her fingers thrice in quick succession.

"I hate this. I really hate this… But I hate sidelining you more. We had a promise after all," she portrayed a soft yet weak smile, one that was charming and bitter in equal parts for Nolotl.

"Truth is, I have worked on that hylomorphism you brought last time. I won't be making those mines, though I will be stealing the design for myself in the rare case that I need them, but I can still give you the ritual's hylomorphism."

"I would be grateful for it, yes," Nolotl nodded. His practiced social masked compelled him to smile, but he forced to remain himself to remain impassive.

"I couldn't ask for more."

"But you could," and out of nowhere, Roxina's smile portrayed some warmth. One that could be associated with her Alignment as it truly shone to his eyes.

"If you're truly going to be getting in a battle of any kind, some healing could do you some good. You haven't cast Healing Word successfully yet, have you?"

"I can't impose myself in such a manner!" the terian protested.

"But you can," the celestial reiterated.

"It's nauseating how much you're apologizing even when most of the fault befell upon me, so consider this my way to make amends. Oh! But if you try to convince me to retake the mine production you're out of my workshop and blacklisted for life."

"Don't worry, I won't be making that mistake twice." Not now, not ever again in any other loop. Whilst now Nolotl had to find a way to clear the enhanced ambush without having access to a master crafter, he did greatly appreciate that Roxina still found it within herself to teach him. He did ponder on using other spots for the ritual like for example the sidereal room Beta had led him to the previous loop, but it just didn't make sense.

For that one in specific, Beta would be there this current loop and he would rather avoid… being there. For better or worse, the Empyrean of Void's situation was more complex than Enala's now that he had checked that words could stop her death. As for other locations… that was exceedingly hard. The towers would be overbooked and his status as Empyrean would matter little. He needed to go to the Mount Empyrean for an unburdened Cognition, and that would guarantee the ambush, regardless of the spot.

Solving Beta's ritual situation was probably the best outcome barring a complete dissolution of the ambush, but thanks to his hesitation at the start of the loop, that wouldn't be an option until next loop. So for now he practiced with making traps. His enchanting skills weren't the best, but that didn't mean he couldn't grow them on his own without a proficiency aiding him. The idea was the same as his second go in the loop, making siphons of resources.

Lead was pathetic when compared to the absorbing capabilities of Deep Ebony, but one was a common metal and the other a legendary one. He doubted the siphoning mines would work that well with tonalli as Life's resource tended to glue to the body, but it would do wonders with computation and mana.

There was also the off-chance that the mines didn't work as any capable mage would simply shrug them off, but between his experience and information on the ambusher and the surprise factor, he doubted that would be the case. I do need more offensive spells in my arsenal… Nolotl had ignored it for now as he did have his spear, but his ability to deal damage was severely compromised.

Well, if I'm like that, there's a lot of stuff that I need: abjurations, more restorations, proficiencies if possible, more levels, more casting resources… This just never ends, does it now? Nolotl was only at his fourth loop and he was already seeing limitations and weaknesses everywhere. Technically he had infinite time at his disposal—if Enantyum didn't choose to dispose of him—but the number of choices before him were of a greater magnitude of infinity.

Not only was it simple to get blocked from all the decision-making, but it was also easy to get demoralized by his slow progression. He had nearly dedicated two months to Ode to Silence, a meagre second-tier spell that perhaps bordered the third one. His proficiency with divination was hardly helping with it as his barely 4% Alignment with Void held him back a lot. Though he struggled so much that he was inclined to say it was actually a third-tier one.

Fortunately, he was having far more luck with the Healing Word restoration. Perhaps he had no proficiencies whatsoever with the spell, but it was a first-tier one and he also, and most importantly as it would seem, he had a 13% Alignment with Light. Comfortably within the accepted range to cast elemental spells.

"Far better," Roxina said after he had finished chanting the psalms. As he was practicing, there was no reason to use the short ones because that would only lower his chances of success. Technically speaking, he had already managed to cast Healing Word before, but unlike gnosiamancy, other schools couldn't be counted as having a spell learned until you correctly cast the spell several times without failing.

And it certainly didn't help that his successes were currently limited to long psalms that were a paragraph long. But it was solid progress for four total weeks of effort.

"I have a great teacher," Nolotl replied with a soft smile. Roxina looked at him and reciprocated with a smile, but hers was ever-so-slightly wry. The diviner didn't know what was going on in her mind, but after a week since their reconciliation and three since the outburst, things hadn't quite mended. It was an uncomfortable feeling that lingered between them. Roxina looked mostly fine all the time, but that mostly was really problematic. He wasn't sure what the lingering issue was.

Was it that Nolotl would inevitably have to kill people? Was it that she felt bad for exploding on him when civilized talk would have been enough? It was hard to tell from a glance, and yet Nolotl didn't have the gall to ask straight to her face. In that sense, he understood why Roxina hadn't addressed the issue with the mines before. Sometimes it was hard to ask questions when your mind actively worked against you.

The total celestial alignment was closer than three weeks now, and whilst Roxina had finished the ritual's hylomorphism a while ago, Nolotl didn't feel ready for it. The mines he had managed to create himself were pathetic and he doubted they could cause much damage, though he would try to compensate for the lack of quality with quantity as he could create them whilst studying the Confluence of the Four Dimensions ritual.

Rituals might be easier to cast than spells, and certainly even easier thanks to the cosmological event looming over them, but it was still a fourth-tier spell and Nolotl wanted to be as ready as possible. The two of them continued working in silence—well, as much silence as chanting allowed—at the workshop. Nolotl practiced with the restoration whilst Roxina scribbled something on a paper, though Nolotl didn't have the heart to ask what it was about. It didn't feel like he had the right to inquire.

"You know," Roxina suddenly spoke out and Nolotl stopped with his chanting, "you mentioned before another xenoglossia-based spell about singing. Can I see it?" The Empyrean of Information raised a brow, but he didn't see any harm on it, so he switched from chanting psalms to singing a sorrowful song. His Ode to Silence wasn't quite there yet, but as he got into the song, motes of black and purple inexistence started to flicker in and out around them.

Soon, the traditional Tezlan instruments accompanied them in a slow march. Roxina opened her mouth, but no words came out of it.

"Hmm." But the fact that she could even produce sound, no matter if it was only a grunt, meant that the spell wasn't complete yet. Having completed the demonstration, Nolotl put an ending to his singing, the ethereal instrument sounds vanishing the same instant as his voice but the motes lingering for a while longer.

"That can be powerful once properly cast," the photomancer mused aloud this time, "but concentration and xenoglossia, and at song at that, are restrictive requirements."

"I'm not planning to use it for battle, only to learn about Void as a whole, but it's true that is has potential. Especially if the enemies aren't gnosiamancers."

"Why's that?"

"Well, not all spells out there require xenoglossia, so an important part of imparting Silence unto someone is that they won't be able to communicate verbally. Gnosiamancers can bypass that with telepathic communication." That was how he had communicated with Enala on his first loop when the enhanced ambush surprised them.

"I see…" Roxina tapped her pen on the counter.

"Just to confirm then, this specific song is a requirement?"

"The specific song? No," Nolotl swayed his head.

"It only needs to be a sorrowful one, or at least, feel sorrowful enough."

"It's you who needs it to feel sorrowful or the listeners?"

"Hmm, I haven't checked that, but considering it's a divination, I would dare to say with utmost certainty that the sorrowful aspect is decided by the collective unconscious."

"So the Cognition?" She asked for confirmation with a tired gaze.

"The Cognition," he reiterated in affirmation.

"Now, could you sing any song whilst it remains sorrowful regardless of the contents?" The diviner pondered the question for a moment.

"I think so, yes. But if your idea is that I could just do chants without any lyrics, I regret to inform you that my singing skills are still way off to transmit sorrow to the listeners with nondescript noises."

"No, that wasn't my idea, but it's certainly an interesting one," the glassmaker tapped the counter one last time and stood from her stool.

"My idea is to make you combine this Ode to Silence with Healing Word." Nolotl shook his head in confusion.

"How come?"

"Some of the psalms can get pretty depressing so I got the idea from that. And after all, does anything impede you from combining two spells that share a verbal component?"

"No, but…"

"Then no excuses!" She raised her voice.

"I feel bad for having sidelined you so much, so here's some advice from a max level photomancer: emotions do matter. Everything you do feels empty, Nolotl. Mechanical might be the more adequate term. You're following a recipe, but you need to understand you aren't dealing with gnosiamancy with any of these two spells. So just follow my advice and make no excuses. Here's some of the more dreary plasms, so sing them and check if this is even possible."

Roxina gave him the sheet of paper she had been writing on—practically threw it at him—and Nolotl read it.

"This is…" His voice was soft yet loaded with astonishment. The contents of the paper weren't standard psalms, but they had been modified. The photomancer was silently scowling at him, and the gnosiamancer had no other way out but start chanting. The lyrics were pious but clearly had more negative undertone that most psalms. Original faith wasn't like Nochochenca, it was still polytheistic and it revered the Celestials and Empyreans of yore, but it prioritized some over others.

Even in the Nochochencan sects that exalted the Quetzalcoatl, no one was left behind. But furthermore, Original faith—sometimes just called The Church—put Light as an Alignment above all the others. That was clearly seen in all of the psalms he had learned and read. It was a fascination with an Alignment, with an aspect of reality, as if it were some kind of absolute truth and forgiving power. Nolotl was unable to understand such obtuse faith.

Light was Light, it wasn't a divinity of any kind nor at the level of the True Empyreans. It was just a force of nature. So he partially followed Roxina's advice and poured that lack of understanding and theological derision into his singing. He didn't hate the Church nor considered heretical as any good priest should only predicate their faith with good intentions and not a single kernel of scorn in their words, but it was true that—as a person—he didn't align with such ridiculous beliefs.

His voice was indeed the psalms of Healing Word, but his tone undeniably carried the sorrowfulness of Ode to Silence. Sorrow for those people who were led astray, even if he was using the words of that same faith against it. And then… silence came. Absolute. Peaceful. Welcoming. Roxina opened her mouth and no words came out, then grunted only to find the same result. She tapped her pen on the counter, yet it also failed to produce noise.

The spell's abstract did mention erasing verbal information and inflicting the Silenced status effect, but it was beautiful to see how shallow that description was as he now experienced true silence. One that only allowed him and his ethereal instruments to sing. In a way, he stood alone in this makeshift stage. But what was more impressive was that when he felt his exhaustion continuously mitigate. Without hesitating and keeping his voice up, Nolotl snatched the pen out of Roxina's hands. Then he stabbed himself.

The photomancer jolted in a panic, but no noise came out of her surprise. To calm her down, he raised his stabbed palm to show it to her. It was slow, but it was healing. Flesh and skin were mending themselves. And how could it not? After all, this was the longest Healing Word he had ever uttered. The sonomancy and the photomancy worked in tandem, and that showed Nolotl something as the scorn that he had previously seen on Roxina's visage vanished and instead was substituted by a satisfied look.

Still loaded with meaning, but no longer as uncomfortable as it had been. Void assimilation progressed by 5%. Light assimilation progressed by 5%. Void and Light. Discontent and worry. They were all just two sides of the same coin.