Chương 820: Chapter 811

Spiritual Steel collided with Plated Domain, and this Sovereign could do naught but brace as the impact sent him hurtling through the air once more. Righting himself over a hundred metres away from where he began, this Sovereign Healed his cracked teeth and lamented the waste, for these injuries were not from the force of the blow itself, but of his own doing as he clenched his jaws in an effort to stymie his rage and indignation.

The Razor's Edge must be maintained at all times, lest a single mis-step send him plummeting into a pit of calamity and catastrophe, but holding fast to True Balance was easier said than done. The Heavens conspired against him, sought to ruin him in his hour of triumph with trials and tribulations aplenty, for they feared what he now represented.

The first nascent immortal in all history, one with wisdom enough to appropriate the Energy of Creation and Destruction for himself and all the time in the world to slowly comprehend it. A threat the Heavens could not ignore, for this Sovereign possessed potential enough to soon overthrow them. Hence the Heavens' efforts to ruin this Sovereign time and time again. How else to explain all these setbacks and failures?

This Sovereign spent centuries setting up his pieces so that he could overturn the board in one, swift motion, yet a single confluence of chance and calamity rendered all his efforts for naught. Though his efforts to subvert the leaders of the South failed due to their primitive veneration of Spiritual Beasts, North, West, and Central should have fallen to his schemes, and would have if not for the timely emergence of an Elemental Spirit of Water.

Falling Rain would have succumbed to his innermost desires and become a puppet for this Sovereign to claim, with Sanshu and the North alongside him. Without the North to support them, South would have refused to come to Central's aid and both provinces would have soon fallen to this Sovereign's armies, and then his true war against the Emperor could finally begin.

The loss of a single pawn, seemingly inconsequential at the time, yet one which proved most pivotal in the end, for this single, inconceivable and unforeseeable event set into motion the beginnings of this Sovereign's defeat. No, not a defeat, merely a new obstacle in his Path, one he would eventually overcome in time. Even this latest turn of events was merely a setback, a stumbling block upon his Path to True Divinity.

An error of judgement made in the heat of the moment, bestowing Insight upon his Chosen and Defiled in so open and obvious a manner, for in doing so, this Sovereign gave Falling Rain the knowledge needed to replicate that same feat. The boy himself had been a threat, but not an immediate one until he sacrificed half his formidable soul to bestow Insight upon his allies, a deed he only knew was possible because this Sovereign demonstrated it beforehand using Spectres in place of his own soul.

Was this perhaps fate then, a cosmic balancing of the scales in response to this Sovereign's manipulation and exploitation of natural law, or merely Falling Rain demonstrating his uncanny and unconventional genius once more? Difficult to say, but this was not the time or place for such philosophical musings, for Akanai of the Bekhai was a most formidable foe to be reckoned with now that she'd Ascended to Divinity.

The next attack arrived without warning yet again, and again, this Sovereign could only grit his teeth and bear it. Although her Ascension could only be considered flawed and mediocre at best, her attainments made in the throes of Insight were nigh unmatched, for now she possessed a Weapon Intent that even this Sovereign had no name for. A powerful tool in the hands of a preeminent Warrior, and it frustrated him to no end to see her grasp its essence so easily.

This was a higher-order Energy that surpassed the power of Creation and Destruction both, a convergence of forces in perfect harmony colluding to create something far greater than the sum of its parts.

Simple in theory, but infinitely complex in practice, for there were limitless combinations of forces that could be put together in an incalculable number of ways, but only a fraction of a fraction of those complex constructs would ever prove to be of any use, and Akanai of the Bekhai now wielded a nameless Intent many times more powerful than the boy's Sword Intent.

For she was no beardless boy of two decades, but a Warrior standing at the Peak of the Martial Path with centuries of experience behind her, which made her more of an immediate threat than even ten Falling Rains. To make matters worse, not only was her Weapon Intent comparable and even arguably superior to the Death Energy this Sovereign stumbled across in his studies, he had yet to even master this power himself.

Against his foe, he felt like a man wielding a sharp stone or hefty stick, something he picked up and used against his foes without any real understanding of combat, but his opponent here today hath forged a weapon capable of killing him with ease. For his current purpose however, it was enough to use his Death Energy to negate Akanai's Weapon Intent, but where her power stemmed from a lifetime of war and conflict with weapon in hand, this Sovereign's Death Energy was secured through alternative means.

Rather than derive it himself using the Energy of the Heavens as a base, this Sovereign merely scavenged Death Energy from the bodies of the dead, wherein those corpses were broken down and processed by the few Transcendents he still had left with him. Thus, his Death Energy was finite while Akanai's Weapon Intent was born of her body, mind, and soul itself, meaning her comprehension and therefore her strength was increasing with each and every strike.

So if this stalemate should continue with this Sovereign only able to defend, then his defeat was only a matter of time. Another blow landed, and again, this Sovereign defended himself as best he could, but he knew that the moment he recovered his footing, Akanai would attack once again and leave him no chance to react. As if bearing Weapon Intent was not enough, the damnable woman was also too fast to be tracked by eyesight, but he sensed her movements all the same.

Balance on Windy Leaf merged with Pierce the Horizon to move faster than the speed of sound itself, a simple concept brought to new extremes by the sheer power of Will. The burden of weight and pressure the woman must endure in order to deliver such a strike was mind-boggling to even fathom, yet she endured them all the same without blinking an eye. Not entirely through resilience of body but largely ingenuity of mind.

Domain Deflection and Resonation to shunt and dampen the weight of resistance placed upon her, as well as a copious application of Honing to cut through the invisible barriers of the air itself, and those were merely the mechanisms which this Sovereign could perceive. There were many more forces at work here, the mysteries of the Heavens unravelling within Akanai's mind to help her make sense of her lifetime of accumulation, all thanks to the 'noble' sacrifice of Falling Rain.

Most aggravating, the boy's ability to render his soul palatable for all to partake and open up a channel to the Heavens Above, a skill this Sovereign yearned to claim for his own. Though capable of utilizing Spectres in a similar manner, the difference was as staggering as night and day. It was a matter of Intent, or rather the lack thereof.

The Spectres demanded surrender in order to do their work, but those discarnate entities of discarded emotions were incapable of working together as one, while even the weakest-willed mortal would struggle once they realized their eternal souls stood upon the precipice of oblivion.

Thus, there could be no united Intent with the Spectres in control, and no true surrender from any suitable host, but Falling Rain side-stepped these challenges with compassion and self-sacrifice, as well as a helping hand from his Imperial Servant's sublime mastery of the Dao of Music. So many elements coming together to deny this Sovereign his victory, it was almost enough to drive a lesser man into a mindless rage…

The boy knew not what he was giving up, that was the only reasonable answer available, else how could he so willingly risk his eternal soul so haphazardly? Though capable of growth and restoration, a soul was not without limit, and Falling Rain had extinguished the better part of half his divided soul, and even this Sovereign was uncertain if there would be long term repercussions from this act.

That being said, the results spoke for themselves, for a single infinitesimal fraction of Falling Rain's soul was all it took to raise Akanai to a false Divinity, a barbaric Half-Beast burdened by bestial instincts who only knew how to view the Dao from the perspective of a ruffian and hooligan. In contrast, this Sovereign had yet to even hear of a single instance in which Spectres drove their host to Ascension, for even Monk Vyakhya had surrendered by choice, which was no true submission.

Admittedly, Akanai was an exemplary Martial Warrior, and her success largely hinged upon her own developments, for not every beneficiary of Falling Rain's Natal Souls Ascended in turn. Even the formidable Gongsun Qi was unable to Ascend when presented with the same benefits, though his achievement of generating an Elemental Blessing had been considered a rousing success in this Sovereign's earliest experiments.

Yes, yes, the fault lay not with this Sovereign himself, but his limited pool of lacklustre test subjects, meaning Falling Rain's successes were not all his own. Most beneficiaries of his efforts here in Shi Bei squandered the opportunity presented to them in order to merely Develop a Domain, truly casting pearls before swine, and it infuriated this Sovereign to imagine the heights he could reach in their place.

To think, he'd come so close to securing so vast a quantity of the boy's soul only to be thwarted by his inexplicable armoury of powerful Dharmic Icons, more proof of the Heavens working against this Sovereign's interests. A wisp of warning flashed through this Sovereign's mind even as his body moved aside, the flashing sword glancing off his Plated Domain which saved him from certain death.

Yet another newly Ascended False Divinity to deal with, most irksome indeed, but though Jeong Hyo-Lynn was recognized as the Sword Saint of Central and a formidable warrior indeed, her understanding of the Dao paled in comparison to Akanai's. How laughable, for the so-called Sword Saint to be lacking Sword Intent, and this Sovereign could hardly conceal his disdain as he backhanded her across the face instead of dodging her next attack.

Wracked with Death Energy and without any defense against it, the newly Ascended Sword Saint's sword glanced off this Sovereign's defenses even as she plummeted from the skies and crashed into the sands below, where she was set upon by the Ancestral Badger Shih Yang. Putting the fallen 'Saint' out of mind, this Sovereign readied to meet Akanai's blow once more, but the formidable woman had used this moment of distraction to Conceal herself from his senses.

Frantic to find her before she struck again, he extended his Domain out in all directions, only to choke back a snarl of fury and disbelief as Akanai drove her weapon through Shih Yang's chest as she readied to deal the killing blow to a defenseless Sword Saint. How regrettable a loss, and just like that, this Sovereign lost yet another Divinity, a powerful ally who'd been with him almost as long as his first Disciple Mataram YuKon, who was currently embroiled in a bitter exchange against the Ancestral Monkey.

The Bristleboar Divinity still stood strong, fighting off the Ancestral Bear and Tiger both, but while he was in no danger of death, his married foes were similarly safe from harm as neither side possessed strength enough to deal a killing blow. The recently Ascended Nian Zu raised spirits aplenty as he crashed into a Defiled Divinity, one so beholden to the Spectres that the madman hardly even noticed when this Sovereign took control.

The Bulwark of the North was a Warrior of considerable experience however, a man who was infinitely close to unravelling yet another Intent as he hammered at his foe, and the former Defiled Chieftain was fast losing courage and determination both, ready to flee at the first chance in spite of this Sovereign's commands. And then the Stag Divinity died, rent apart by the Old Wolf in a display of ferocity unmatched as he revealed his mastery of Claw and Fang Intent for all Shi Bei to see.

Setting his sights upon the Mammoth Divinity, the Old Wolf set to bloody work once more, and this Sovereign could only grudgingly admit that his ally was not long for this world, and this battle all but lost. Before today, there was not a single individual in all the outer provinces capable of wielding an Intent, but now there were three here in Shi Bei. If this was not proof enough of the Heavens conspiring against him, then there was no convincing argument to be made.

The tides of war shifted far too quickly for this Sovereign's tastes, with his chances of victory fast approaching nil. A battle between Divinities could last for days, weeks, or even months if the participants were enthused enough, but such a stalemate required both sides be evenly matched. With two Divinities in possession of formidable Intents on the battlefield, it was akin to giving Martial Warriors Spiritual Weapons to wield, and this Sovereign's allies lacked the means to defend themselves.

It was always easier to kill than defend, and the balance of power had long since tipped over towards the defenders of Shi Bei. Though his army might still overwhelm the mortal defenders and slaughter them to the last, there was no benefit to be gained from occupying Shi Bei, and this Sovereign had no plans to do so even if it were otherwise.

No, it was long past time to withdraw, for his allied Divinities would not hold for long once they realized they could not stand against the Old Wolf and Akanai both, so it was best if this Sovereign departed ahead of the panicked crowd. Every failure and setback could be laid at the feet of Falling Rain, and this Sovereign's rage knew no bounds as he eyed the damnable youth one last time.

What he saw stopped his feet in place, for the boy's Life Energy was all but spent during his mass sacrifice of Natal Souls, and now what remained was no longer able to contain the Death Energy this Sovereign inflicted upon him. A mistake then, fleeing from their battle in the Void so quickly, for the boy would have succumbed in time, but how was this Sovereign to know it?

A lack of comprehension is what caused this misstep, for if he had a better grasp of Death Energy, he would have sensed the boy's ailing plight much sooner. A most frustrating missed opportunity, but this Sovereign had only recently uncovered the existence of Death Energy in the last half-century, an unexpected discovery made during his collaboration with the Bristleboar Divinity, and he had yet to unravel the secrets behind its application.

Prior to this, he'd been working on comprehending the mysteries of Elemental Blessings with little to no success, which was why he kept all his Blessed Transcendents while sacrificing the rest. Gen's Blessing of Earth's Fire, the Abomination's Blessing of Water, The Confessor's Blessing of Blood, these were but a handful of the vital Transcendents he kept for future study, and if given the chance, he would bring Mao Jianghong away with him today in order to study the former Guard Captain's Blessing of Ice.

Yet this Sovereign would happily sacrifice all his remaining Transcendents, Ascended or otherwise, if it meant he could capture Falling Rain, for the boy represented a wealth of knowledge that far superseded what the others might offer. Now was the perfect chance to act, to take this prize and flee. The Death Energy afflicting him was easily removed, and then this Sovereign would have snatched victory from the jaws of defeat.

Once again, his body moved before he even finished weighing his options, and by then, this Sovereign was fully committed to the act, but as he appeared Concealed before his prize on the battlements of Shi Bei, Falling Rain erupted with an outburst of Life Energy originating from the unseen Ancestral Hare supporting him from behind.

Not the Cloud Divinity wreaking havoc upon this Sovereign's allies with his Blessing of Air's Water, but his so-called daughter, a diminutive child who had no right comprehending a power so ineffable while still in her formative years. Or perhaps her youth was the reason why she could grasp Life Energy so readily. Less than two decades ago, this girl would have been an ancient and powerful Spiritual Beast, one in close harmony with the Heavens above and unrestricted by its Wrath. Why?

Because beasts were slaves to their instincts and unable to act against them, which made them formidable in theory, but laughably weak in practice. A group of coordinated Martial Warriors need not even be Peak Experts to bring down the most powerful of Spiritual Beasts through tricks and deceptions, so whatever secrets lay hidden behind their existence were hardly worth this Sovereign's attention.

Even the so-called Divine Turtle beside the boy was merely a sham, for there was nothing Divine about it except its rebirth into a smaller, more compact, and more vulnerable form. The turtle was too stupid to even take a human form, so what secrets were there to be gleaned from its path? None whatsoever.

As for this young Ancestral Hare however, she was a prize worth studying, for she might well have tapped into her past life's memories, or perhaps bore some unconscious recollection of her rebirth and was using this knowledge to counter the Death Energy threatening to kill her husband. Hmph, emotion over logic, this Path ran counter to this Sovereign's own, and powerful though it could sometimes be, it was also entirely too unreliable.

It worked well enough for the Ancestral Hare however, and this Sovereign was amazed by the sheer quantity of Life Energy flowing out of her, most of which was wasted as it crashed headlong into the Death Energy embedded within the boy's body, mind, and soul.

Quantity soon triumphed over quality however, and this Sovereign found the whole experience most enlightening indeed, one which ended all too soon as the girl abruptly and inexplicably ran off into the thick of battle, leaving a befuddled Falling Rain behind with a rabbit in his arms and turtle at his side. This novel is published on a different platform. Support the original author by finding the official source.

A shame that, for this Sovereign would have loved to study her more, for he only just now had comprehended something most interesting indeed. He discovered that Life Energy was not the antithesis of Death Energy as he previously believed, but rather an energy with far more similarities than he'd expected. How, he could not say, but they were more akin to analogues rather than opposites in a way that reminded him of his own Path.

Balance found in Extreme Imbalance, Life found in Death, and the opposite was possible as well. No wonder all his efforts to discover Life Energy had ended in failure, because he'd been looking for the wrong signs all this time, but now that he'd seen it in action from an outside perspective, he was confident he would learn how to harness it soon enough. And with Life and Death Energy at his disposal, the possibilities were endless.

Putting aside his thoughts of the future, this Sovereign found himself faced with a dilemma in the present. Capturing a weak and dying Falling Rain was one matter, but it would not be so easy to subdue a hale and healthy one.

Though still shaky and unsteady on his feet, the boy still possessed an inexplicable control over his Spiritual Weapons and Sword Intent which made him difficult to handle, and this Sovereign was loathe to risk having to fend off the boy's attacks while also fleeing from the combined forces of the Old Wolf, Cloud Divinity, and Akanai to name but a few.

Thus, the only options were to either incapacitate the boy and risk retaliation from his allies before escaping with his prisoner, or kill the boy and flee to deny the Emperor his abilities. A quick death? Far too merciful an end for Falling Rain, and again, this Sovereign acted before he had time to think it all through. A worrisome pattern of poor impulse control, one which only arose after his Ascension to nascent immortal, and one he would take steps to break himself of once he was safely away.

Not until after he'd secured his prize however, thereby all but guaranteeing that his return would be most glorious and triumphant indeed. His chosen method to subdue the boy was the same tried and true tactic of old, for Falling Rain had nearly just died and was still stricken with anguish and despair. Before he had a chance to embrace the sweet relief of his narrow reprieve, this Sovereign struck out with the full force of his Will and Aura both to feed the boy's misery and give voice to his inner fury.

Why the boy bore so much hatred for himself, not even this Sovereign knew, but it was a common enough weakness in mortals inside and out of the Empire's borders, and one he'd exploited countless times before. There were no words to this disdain and derision, no voice to string him along, for the boy was far too familiar with his own innermost voice and had a penchant for picking up on discrepancies only he would notice.

Thus, this Sovereign merely provided the requisite emotions and let the boy give voice to his own thoughts and visions, and like the fool he was, he fell into a pit of his own making as he succumbed to his own feeble failings. So stricken with self-reproach, he failed to notice this Sovereign's subtle infusion of Death Energy into his body, mind, and soul once more, a devious blow meant to cripple and incapacitate rather than kill outright.

The boy's inherent Life Energy was more resilient than expected, brimming and almost overflowing where before it was weak and fading. This discovery only made the prospect of capturing the young Ancestral Hare more tempting, for even as a nascent immortal, this Sovereign sensed that his lifespan was not entirely without limit. While he had time aplenty to progress along his Dao, he had no wish to go through this ordeal a second time around, and capturing the girl for future study might well lead to life eternal.

That being said, better to focus on securing one prize before reaching for a second, but though the boy's abundant vitality continued to grow in spite of the copious flow of Death Energy flooding through him, Falling Rain succumbed to his emotions far easier than expected.

With success so close at hand, this Sovereign could barely contain his elation as he carefully maintained the Aura of woe and despair and watched as the boy sank into the endless depths of his own mind and soul until he was docile enough to take in hand. Still hidden under the guise of Concealment, this Sovereign reached out to secure his prize, only to freeze in place as a fleeting impression of caution and threat washed over him.

Only for the briefest of moments, and it was gone so quickly this Sovereign wasn't sure if he'd imagined it. The Spectres perhaps, working in concert to influence his thoughts and actions in hopes of escaping his control, or perhaps this was the intuitive premonition of a nascent immortal so in tune with the Heavens Above. Whatever it was, the time for hesitation was long past, for without Falling Rain, this Sovereign's efforts these last eight-hundred years will have all been for naught.

Because even with all his newfangled power, this Sovereign was still far from able to match the Emperor himself. In time, this disparity would only shrink, but how much faster would his progress be now that he had Falling Rain to study? Putting aside all other thoughts and concerns, this Sovereign took hold of the boy's arm and Cloud-Stepped away with prize in hand, leaving the burdens and mistakes of the past behind.

Though the Heavens sought to destroy him, once he uncovered the boy's secrets, there would no longer be any obstacles between this Sovereign and the Dao, and he would finally have power enough to raze the outer provinces and unseat the Dog Emperor from his Jade Throne, before turning his wrath towards the Heavens themselves. Then and only then would this Sovereign choose to Ascend to the next plane of existence, after plundering what he could and razing what was left of this one for daring to ever obstruct him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I love my life. My job, not so much, and there's plenty of room for improvement regarding my current circumstances, but otherwise, things are pretty great. I have my wives, my family, my floofs, and my friends, and there's not much more I could ask for. There's also so much I want to do, to see, to experience, so much I wouldn't even know where to begin. My dreams have never been big, not when I'm being sensible at least, but hey, I got them bear arms, didn't I?

To think, there was a time when all I wanted in the world was to go a few days without almost dying, though that dream died a long time ago. As for my other dreams, they're not all that extraordinary. Right now, I'd be happy just to sit down and have a meal with my friends and loved ones, sharing good food with great people while reminiscing of good times. Not a dream that's likely to happen, because most of those friends and loved ones are currently embroiled in bitter battle here in Shi Bei.

They're here risking their lives because I wanted to free the West, and now they might well pay the ultimate price for it. That's the cost of my dreams, a price I'm unwilling to pay, but the Heavens are cruel and demand their pound of flesh, for there is nothing certain in life, except death. There are other dreams I'd love to see fulfilled. I've always dreamt of being the hero of my own story and bringing peace and prosperity to the world in my lifetime.

That's probably never going to happen, as I've long since come to terms with the fact that the balance of power will never change without bloody revolution, and introducing Spiritual Rifles and Runic Cannons has only upped the stakes and levels of lethality. For this reason, I also want to become a better Healer, not just to make Taddy proud, but so I can better understand how Heavenly Energy affects natural healing and medicines and maybe leave something behind that will make the world a better place.

Those are the big dreams, alongside quitting my job as Legate to retire back home at the border of the Empire, where no one will ever come and bother me again, but that's another dream I fear is never fated to pass. So I've learned to dream smaller. I'd like to go to a tavern and have a drink with my friends, without worrying if someone will make an attempt on my life. I'd love to take my wives to more dramas and operas, as I know they love watching them even though live shows bore me to tears.

I want to dabble in something artsy, like sketching or carving, something simple I can do while travelling about the countryside with my wives and floofs. I'd love to tour the Empire someday and see all the sights, uncover new people, new places, new animals, new experiences and maybe even introduce modern concepts like worker's rights and rule of law rather than rule of strength or wealth.

As for floofs, I dunno if I should collect more, but I sure as hell want to, because I'd love nothing more than to make a new fuzzy friend and spoil them to bits. The groundhogs under Taddy's bamboo grove might've moved on by now, seeing how he relocated his Spiritual Plants to a safer location before joining me on this ill-fated crusade to the West, but I wouldn't mind adopting the whole pack if they're willing to be friends.

I also need a dog, because being around Buddy made me remember just how much I love dogs, though I hope he doesn't get jealous because he'll always have a place in my heart. As for other animals, well… we'll see how it goes, though I doubt I could ever say no to a cute and lovable floof. Hell, I can barely say no to the not so cute ones, like Noodle and Princess. I have a floof addiction, but hey, it could be worse. Then there's my most precious dreams, the ones I will never give up on.

They're nothing too out of the ordinary, just normal, everyday stuff. I want to be the best husband I can be and ensure my wives are happy and loved each and every day. I want to be a better son and spend more time with mom and dad when I can to show them how much they mean to me. I want to see more of my niece and nephew, while spending more time with my sister and brother-in-law, two people who I feel I've grown apart from despite both holding a special place in my heart.

I want to make sure my floofs are loved and well cared for, and more than that, I want them to know they are loved and adored. I want to get to know my brother and grandfather better, and maybe even Grandpa Wolf if he's willing to spend more time with Dad, because while family is more than merely blood, you can't write off blood without at least giving them a chance. And most of all? I want to sit down and have dinner with the people I love each and every night.

Maybe not all of them, because that seems like too much planning and effort, but at least eat with them once a week or something. I could have tea with Grandpa Du and discuss the Dao, appraise artwork with the Abbot and Jorani, sit down with Huu and talk about girls and training like we did when we were young.

It'd be great to see Zian progress as he learns to be a father and husband, or hoist a cup at Fung's wedding with the love of his life, help Wu Gam find that special someone and see what I can do about Kyung and Da'in. It's the little dreams that matter most I find, because they're the ones you can accomplish, whereas the big dreams are typically hit or miss, and sometimes are sacrificed in lieu of life's complications.

I have all these dreams and aspirations in my almost idyllic life, so why am I so ready to throw it all away? That's what I was about to do, give up and go on my merry way to find out if I can re-roll a second time after sacrificing the majority of my eternal soul. Sure I had my reasons, but I could've at least tried something less extreme than jumping ahead to the grand sacrifice.

I have always been a little in love with death, and I'd be lying if I claimed I'd never given suicide a thought or three, but that's as far as it's ever gotten. Thoughts and nothing more, because if I was going to kill myself, I'd have done it in the mines instead of suffering through it for so long.

Yet I cannot deny that death holds a certain allure all the same, an appeal I try my best not to think about too hard, because when it comes right down to it, even though I'd never actively kill myself, I've always been more than ready to die. Why? I have so much going for me, so much love and good cheer in my life, yet still I persist in seeking death. I said earlier how I once dreamed of going a few days without dying, but to be honest, I never put much effort into staying alive.

I could've just stopped going for walks through the forest and found a secluded corner in the village to hide in instead, but nope. Could've refused to join the Sentinels, refused to take part in the Contests, refused the rank of Warrant Officer, refused the office of Legate, done a lot of things to make my life much safer than it currently is, but I didn't.

No, every time I saw a chance for death, I ran headlong towards it, not necessarily because I yearned to die, but because if anyone had to die, it might as well be me. I've done this all before. I have lived, laughed, and loved for an entire lifetime, albeit one I cannot entirely remember, so better I die than someone else who has yet to see their own life through to conclusion. I suppose you could argue that we're all on our umpteenth reincarnation, but how many other people remember so much of their last life?

None by my count, which means in terms of lives experienced, I'm number one under Heaven with a score of like… one point two-five. What's more, I never did figure out if I awoke to my past life's memories or if my soul was shunted into some poor kid's body and took over without knowing it. The fact that I don't remember shit about my parents has me leaning towards the latter, but the fact that it hurts so much every time I think about my birth mother is a good argument for the former.

That's one part of the equation, my unfounded survivor's guilt regarding my unique circumstances, but there's more to my death-seeking tendencies than just that. My life is great. Right now. Which means I have the rest of my life to screw it all up. Knowing me, failure is inevitable, even if I wasn't hiding the fact that I have memories of a past life. Maybe my wives and family would forgive me for keeping my secrets, but how long until the honeymoon period fades?

How long do I have before Lin-Lin discovers that I am not, in fact, the best? How long before she grows frustrated and upset about the fact that she has to share me with four other wives? This goes for Yan, Mila, and Luo-Luo too, as well as Song if I ever convince her to marry me, which if I truly loved her, I wouldn't do. I dream of being the best husband I can be, but I've already failed by marrying four women.

Don't get me wrong, I love them all dearly, even Luo-Luo who I'm still getting to know, but how can I be a good husband when I am unfaithful to my wife? Sure, they all knew what they were getting into when they married me, but they were twenty when we said our vows. What the fuck does a twenty-year-old kid know? About as much as Jon Snow. Nothing, because the truth is I don't deserve a single one of them, and there will come a day when they realize it too, which I fear will be the day they leave me.

Then there's my other dreams, which will invariably one day end in failure too. Grandpa Du only has a few years left before he passes away, and mom and Naaran will follow soon after. Dad is fifty-fifty, because he'll either throw himself into battle to forget the pain of mom's death, or fall into a pit of despair which no one can lift him out of. Then there's Charok and Gerel, who will probably go before I do, unless of course the aforementioned humans all Ascend to Divinity.

A tall order that, even with me supporting from behind, because it's not just a matter of Insight and dedication. You need more, like experience and other stuff, else you're destined to fail no matter how much soul and Heavenly Energy we pump into the equation. How I know this, I'm not entirely sure, but there's no quick and easy Path to Divinity, even with a Natal Soul to help guide you. At least the floofs will most certainly out-live me, a blessing from Heaven I cannot thank enough.

I don't think I have it in me to bury a floof, but I'm sure they'll be fine without me. All of which paints a grim picture of my life, one which will likely end with me dying alone and unloved. I have a great life, but that also means I have so much to lose, and I know I will screw it up eventually. So knowing this, wouldn't it be better to go out on top of the world? The Legate who saved the Empire, not the worst legacy to leave behind.

My wives will all be free of me, free to find someone who will love them and treat them right, and my friends and family can remember me at my best, rather than see me suffer through my worst. Dying doesn't scare me. Losing the people I love? Losing their respect, their friendship, their affection? That terrifies me to no end, which is why I love floofs so much.

An animal's love, once given freely, is unconditional to the end, meaning I never have to worry about them leaving me because I'm a worthless loser unworthy of love, one who has allowed fear to control me for as long as I can remember. That's the logic at least, and it made sense in my mind a few seconds ago when I decided to sacrifice my life to either turn the tides of battle or buy time enough for my loved ones to retreat, but now… not so much.

I figured my death would hurt my loved ones, but they'd get over it in time, right? What I didn't count on was Lin-Lin coming to my rescue, and more to the point, succeeding. She knew what I intended to do, put the pieces together with little more than a glance, and she was furious in a way I've never seen her, because even though she's always said I'm the best, I never knew just how much she meant it until now.

Because she loves me more than anything, more than climbing tall trees and soaring through the skies like a Cloud-Stepping Peak Expert, more than quin riding and rabbit training combined. She loves me more than eating sweets or dumplings, and even more than sleeping in, which for Lin-Lin is saying something. She loves me so much, I'm beginning to think that she's right and that she does love me most of all, because she wouldn't change a single thing about me, perverted idiocy and all. And most of all?

She saw how hurt and tired I am, how scared and exhausted my scars have left me, how jaded I've grown and how ugly my outlook on life has become, and she didn't recoil or look away. Even though she was furious with what I'd tried to do and didn't understand why I would do it, she was nothing but loving and supportive till the end, telling me that even if I didn't want to live, I had no choice but to, because I'm her hubby and she refuses to be left behind. So there it is. My purpose in life now.

If she loves me that much, then maybe it's worth it to keep on keeping on after all. I still think it'll all end in misery and anguish, because that's the most likely outcome, but I owe it to everyone and to myself to at least give it a try, right? Going out in a blaze of glory sounds fine and dandy in theory, but I bet if you asked the loved ones of any hero who gave their life for a cause, they'd tell you that they'd do anything to have their hero back with them again.

A mountain of doubt and misery press down upon me, warning me of my mistake. No good will come of this. Better to quit while I'm ahead. I'll fuck it up. There's no doubt of that. It'll happen, and it will hurt like nothing ever before. Even if I don't, I'll still lose so many people I love, assuming they survive past tonight, because things weren't looking great just before I passed out, and how much of an effect could I really have made? Wouldn't nihility and oblivion be so much better?

No existence, no thoughts, no doubts, no anxieties, just nothing for the nobody that I would soon become. All valid arguments, and honestly that last bit doesn't sound half bad. I was never one to believe in Heaven or reincarnation anyways, not until I ended up in this world, and for a good portion of time, I kinda wished it never happened. I have so much to lose, I really would rather die than watch it all inevitably go to shit.

But Lin-Lin wants her hubby back, and I've never been one to deny her anything, plus I can't in good conscience cause my loved ones so much pain just to avoid a little suffering of my own. So there's nothing left to it. Doesn't matter how down and depressed I am. There's a war to be won, so man up and get out there.

Doing what I do best, I take a deep breath and shove all those dark and unhappy thoughts inside me, because an emotion ignored is no longer my problem, but future me's problem, and I still hate that guy. Dread and anxiety twist my stomach into knots, but I wrench my eyes open to get it over quickly. Rather than the bloody battlefield of Shi Bei however, I find myself staring at sand in all directions while the world zips by underneath me.

There's an arm wrapped around my waist, and though the familiar and unsettling robes give the owner's identity away, I'm still taken aback when I raise my head and meet Zhen Shi's eyes. Oh wow. How can I pass up this perfect opportunity?

"I don't know you!" I screech, and his surprise is most wonderful to behold as I give him my best Bobby Hill and slam my fist into his groin, and my smile stretches to match the agony etched across Zhen Shi's boring, bald face. Honestly? The memes almost make all this suffering worth it, so my wives, family, friends, and floofs should be enough to tip the scales in favour of more life and more suffering, right?

For though life is suffering, there's more to it than that, and I would be doing everyone I love a disservice by giving up without first giving it my all. Chapter Meme 1 Chapter Meme 2 Chapter Meme 3