Chương 378: Chapter 370

As the shore fades from sight and our skiff continues ever westward, my last vestiges of hope die out and I resign myself to fate. By now, we've undoubtedly exited Nan Ping Bay and have entered the Azure Sea proper, a watery graveyard of many a foolish sailor aboard wayward ships.

Smoky white fog encircles us in all directions as I bury my nose into Blackjack's velvety fur, taking small comfort when the hare pushes back to enjoy what it believes is a light grooming but is actually my lips moving in silent prayer, beseeching anyone and everyone who might be listening to save me from this foolish venture. As per usual, no deities respond and I'm left to fend for myself in this watery domain famed for danger and peril in a world already filled to the brim with man-eating monstrosities.

I don't even know why I still bother praying. No one ever answers. For long, uneventful minutes, all I hear is the waves lapping against the sides of the skiff and the powerful, rhythmic, strokes of Guard Leader's paddles. Honestly, I'm a little miffed she didn't upgrade to a bigger boat after our last one got chomped to pieces by a school of sharks. Instead, she picked the exact same type of boat, but since no one else saw fit to criticize, I figured it wasn't my place to speak up.

Plus, she punched her way through a shark. Reassuring as her ridiculous strength might be, I can't bring myself to feel safe. It's too still and quiet, and it feels like our skiff is bobbing in place as the water moves around us, the world enveloped in silent serenity this far from land.

There are no quins chittering beside us, no sea birds cawing overhead, no sails flapping in the wind or voices shouting orders on ships afar, just complete silence and stillness aside from Guard Leader's repetitive, unflagging movements. A blink of the eyes is all it takes to lose my bearings, because for all I know, our skiff could have veered off course or turned around in the brief moment of darkness.

Only the sun's reassuring warmth on my back tells me we're still heading west, but otherwise, I have no frame of reference for our journey. How far have we come? How long have we been travelling? We set out at sunrise, but the sun is no longer touching the horizon, hanging scant centimetres from its reflection in the water and rising even as I watch. And to think, I'm stuck out here because Mama Bun wanted to cuddle for a little while longer. Curse your warm, fluffy body and powerful, Spiritual Plant scenting nose!

Curse you! It's so strange being out on the open waters, but a good strange, a comfortable and almost familiar sort of strange. If not for my anxiety from all the not-at-all mythical monsters of the sea, I might even say I like it out here, though I can't say why. This isn't what I expected from the Azure Sea, a supposed region of no return. Then again, I guess it's silly to expect aquatic predators to toe the line and lay in wait for travellers daring enough to cross some arbitrary border.

They're not soldiers standing guard, just aquatic creatures going about their day, and if we're lucky, maybe they won't notice our tiny skiff in this massive ocean and we can come and go unmolested. Or maybe our skiff is too small a meal for the big beasties of the Azure Sea, preferring to dine on multi-masted ships carrying hundreds of delicious people to fill their bellies....

With nothing better to do but sit and wait, I set to work keeping myself from going crazy by focusing on what minor preparations I can make. Opening my pouch of dried meat, I place Blackjack inside with enough food to keep him occupied and free both my hands. Sacrificing mobility for defence, I take Tranquility in hand and strap it tightly to my wrist, checking and rechecking to make sure Peace sits snugly in its scabbard and is firmly fixed to Tranquility.

The last thing I need is to lose a Spiritual Weapon and have it sink to the bottom of the Azure Sea, especially since I don't know how deep or dangerous the waters are and no way of marking our location to come back with an army to safely retrieve them. Whatever. It's just a Spiritual Weapon. I can live without it if need be. Better safe than sorry. To this end, I secure Unity to my wrist using a scarf/loincloth, threading it through the side-loading bullet chamber to keep it from slipping off.

It hampers my range of motion, but worst comes to worst, I could let go of Unity and draw Peace. I'm not thrilled at the prospect of fighting Megalodons or aquatic dinos with a short sword, and truth be told, using a glaive isn't much better either, but those are the only options I have. Wait... That's not true. I have a gun!......... A gun and no bullets. Great. Just great. Whatever, it wouldn't have mattered anyways, I've never fired it before and this hardly seems like a safe place to practice.

Besides, I'm fairly certain bullets don't do well underwater. With so much resistance, I'd be surprised if the bullets goes more than five meters before disintegrating into scrap. I'd probably need specially designed bullets for underwater firing, though I have no idea what said bullets would look like. Is it worth asking Diyako to look into? Nah, I can't see myself voluntarily returning to the Azure Sea or worse, venturing out into the ocean which is supposedly even more dangerous.

Okay, weapons are secured and ready. Now what? Well... my boots feel a little loose, I guess I could re-lace them.... I may have been a little overzealous with the laces. Feels like the blood can't reach my toes. One more time, but not so tight.... That's better, nice and snug, but breathable. Wait... Is this the smartest move? If our boat trip goes bad, chances are I'll be fighting in the water or hopefully flown away to safety by Taduk, both scenarios in which I don't need boots.

In fact, I'd be better off losing the boots altogether. It'd make me more manoeuvrable in the water and it'll be less weight for Taduk to carry. No boots it is.... Dammit, I forgot about the gold hidden inside my boots. It's totally there for emergencies and definitely not to make me taller. Where can I put it? I can't leave it behind, I'll need every last coin in the coming weeks.

Not just to feed my retinue, I also need to invest in my cast iron venture, assuming Yo Shi-Woo didn't change his mind after hearing about my drunken babbling. That was some tasty wine though, fragrant with just a hint of sweetness. I could use a drink right about now, something to calm the nerves. Maybe I have something on me which could do the same. Better check my pockets and pouches.... Let's see...

water skin, bunny food, dried meat, more scarves/loincloths (should probably burn those), eating knife, stabbing knife, doctoring knife (Wait... which one is which again? Shit. I need new knives.), nail file, styptic powder, roll of bandages, suturing needles, (ah here we go), pain pills, fever pills, constipation pills, diarrhea pills, diuretic pills, and all other manner of pills, but nothing which will calm my nerves without putting me to sleep.

Why have I never thought about making a pill to deal with my anxiety? I should look into it and see if its possible. I mean, people say tea is calming, I just need to distill that calming effect into a pill I can carry around and take whenever I'm feeling nervous. So all the time. I'd just turn into a pill popping maniac, swallowing them by the handful until the day I die, probably from an overdose.

"Boy." Guan Suo's voice draws me out of my thoughts and I look up to see his look of undisguised pity.

"In all my years, I've never met anyone as jittery as you. You twitch any faster and you're liable to fly off into the horizon."

"Haha, yea. I'm not great at waiting, but I guess it beats frantically fighting off monsters or worse." With nothing else to add, I glance back at my pile of stuff, wondering if it'd be impolite to just go back to rummaging or if I even care if it is. Probably yes on both accounts. Best not to upset the super powerful warrior who explodes sharks underwater, you may need him to save your hide soon enough. Arg! Stop talking to yourself, idiot! Do you want another split personality?

Because that's how you get split personalities. I think. Maybe. I don't know. Shaking his head with a sigh, Guan Suo opens his mouth to say something, but thinks better of it and goes back to smoking his pipe. I wonder what he's smoking and if he'd be willing to share? Too embarrassed to ask and reveal the depths of my anxiety, I sheepishly pack everything away and check in on Blackjack. The cloud chaser hare is curled up in a gluttonous coma, snoring away in peaceful, ignorant bliss.

Mama Bun also seems unconcerned by our dangerous journey, still sniffing at the air as she leads Guard Leader deeper into the Azure Sea. Only Sir Inky has enough sense to be properly terrified, curled up with eyes closed at the bottom of his pot. Deciding against reaching in to pet him, mostly because he's slimy and gross, I instead use my regular Aura to bolster his courage alongside my own.

Careful to keep it from spreading beyond me and Sir Inky and accidentally enraging sea creatures lurking beneath us, I try to convey a sense of security to the poor, frightened octopus. Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings. His response is immediate. Cracking his eyes open, the octopus meets my gaze and blows out a stream of bubbles, as if scoffing in disbelief.

"You?" Sir Inky's eyes seem to ask.

"You can't even keep yourself safe, how are you going to protect me?" Great. Now I'm imagining a conversation with an octopus. Real healthy mental behaviour. Glancing around in search of Ping-Ping, my anxiety spikes as I fail to spot the giant turtle, even ignoring my fears of getting my head bitten off by some fanged monstrosity to peer over the skiff's edge in search of the sweet turtle.

"Where'd Ping-Ping swim off to?" I ask, once I've returned safely to the centre of the skiff.

"Shouldn't she stay close? You know, for protection?" More mine than hers, but still.

"Relax boy," comes Guan Suo's reply.

"The old girl's off scrounging up a meal, her first proper one in days mind you. You waste all your time spoiling those rabbits and wildcats while leaving the Divine Turtle to fend for herself. Disgraceful is what it is, utterly disgraceful."

"She had a literal mountain of food at my wedding."

"Pei! A mountain of rabbit food hardly counts." Sharing Taduk's distaste for vegetarian diets, Guan Suo fixes me with a surly glare.

"She needs meat and fish to keep her strength up, and none of that dried crap you feed your pets either. Fresh food, but where is she to find it? With centuries of over-fishing and those infernal quins squeaking about, hows the old girl to find enough to fill her belly without leaving the bay?" Now that I think about it, the fish and crustaceans I've seen are kind of small.

I never noticed before because they look like reasonably sized fish to me, but keeping with the theme of everything is bigger in the Azure Empire, it stands to reason the fish should be bigger too. Regular, fifty centimetre fish are probably considered too small to keep unless there's no other choice. Hm... I kinda want to see a giant fish, preferably something non-violent and vegetarian. Better if it doesn't even have teeth and feeds off plankton or tiny krill.

The water's surface breaks and a tentacled behemoth emerges to greet us as a decidedly unmanly shriek escapes my lips. Scrambling away, I hold Tranquility and Unity at the ready, or as ready as they can be as I crouch on the skiff's deck, too terrified for my legs to work properly. The writhing mass of tentacles flail and twitch, sending icy cold water splashing in all directions and soaking me from head to toe, which is convenient because I might have just pissed myself in terror.

Just a little bit, a few drops at most. I've been on this boat for awhile now and I drank a lot of water with breakfast. Plus, a giant fucking kraken surfaced like an arm's length away from the boat. What was I supposed to do? Munching away at a chewy hunk of flesh, Ping Ping lifts her head into view and flashes a little turtle smile, which is hard to pull off considering she doesn't have lips.

Using her body to push her hard-earned meal, the big girl takes a hearty chomps out of the kraken's still-twitching corpse as she swims alongside the skiff, her beak cutting through the rubbery skin with ease. Gathering the shattered remains of my dignity, I retake my seat and avoid making eye contact with anyone, though I can't block out the sound Guan Suo's raucous laughter or the memory of Guard Leader's shaking shoulders.

Instead, I focus on watching Ping Ping enjoy her meal, enjoying her expressions of unmitigated delight as she fills her belly with delicious raw squid. Actually, it's kinda gross, and don't get me started on the smell, but Ping Ping seems to enjoy it. She's not the only one either. The previously empty waters are now teeming with life as fish and other aquatic creatures surface to steal a bite to eat, most content to feast on the tiny morsels which drift to the wayside.

A handful of more enterprising scavengers are brave enough to try for the squid's corpse itself, but Ping Ping is quick to catch them with a snap of her jaw, adding the would-be thieves to her already sizable meal. Stirring in my pouch, Blackjack's head pops out for a look, those tiny eyes alternating between staring at the squid and myself hoping to garner a taste, but the little hare will have to learn to live with disappointment.

There's no way I'm sticking my hand out of the skiff while there's a literal feeding frenzy going on, one growing in size right before my eyes. Eating and swimming don't really go hand in hand, and Ping Ping isn't the neatest of diners, so there are plenty of scraps to be fought over. More intriguing is how diverse the gathering is, as even after long minutes of watching I'm still spotting new and different creatures in the mix.

Understandably, most are fish, fanged, ferocious creatures with all the telltale markings of a predator, equally happy to dine on Ping Ping's scraps as they are with murdering their opportunistic peers. Though I can only make out indistinct shapes beneath the blueish-blood, dark ink, and frothy white waters, the sheer size of these creatures are enough to warrant caution,. Even Mama Bun is smart enough to move away from the skiff's side to hop into Guard Leader's lap. Clever girl.

As terrified as I am, eventually, my eyes grow tired and last nerved goes frayed from watching for danger, and a quiet acceptance settles over my mind. It's not the absence of fear or a resurgence of courage, but something different altogether, more of an... equilibrium than anything else. The fear is still there, prevalent as always, but mute apathy has also settled in. There's nothing I can do about the dangers swimming beside us, so why should I even care?

If they try to eat me then I'm powerless to stop them, reliant on Taduk, Guard Leader, or Guan Suo to save my scrawny ass. Likewise, if they don't want to eat me then there's no point worrying about them. Fear is there to tell me if its time to fight or run, but here and now, I can't do either, so what use is fear? With that in mind, the tension melts from my shoulders and I sigh in relief.

Staring out into the waters, I let my focus wander and watch the continued struggle between scavenger, predator, and Ping Ping with growing interest. Though varied and diverse, the gathered scavengers work together to fend off the predators, right up until a chunk of squid flesh floats in their general direction. Then, all chaos breaks loose as the scavengers descend upon the morsel and the predators seize the opportunity to strike.

Men die for wealth and fish die for food, their lives are an unending struggle against hardship and misfortune. I suppose I should be glad I didn't reincarnate as a fish, since at least I don't have to worry too much about food or finding a safe place to sleep. In comparison, my worries seem excessive and absurd, for when isn't someone or something trying to kill me? I find this reassuring, though, again, I don't know why.

The waters churn and creatures die, though a select few emerge victorious through skill, cunning, or dumb luck. An eel darts around a fat fish to evade the killing bite of a long-nosed lizard predator, who in turn gives up on the eel and rips into the fatter fish instead. A scaled, chitinous creature reveals the depths of its cunning as it leads a predator into Ping Ping's waiting jaws, escaping unscathed with a large bounty to devour alone.

A smaller, angular fish doesn't bother trying to secure any squid for itself and instead turns its attention to stealing scraps from the many predators lurking about, its mouth always nibbling away at some morsel or another. To these sea creatures and so many more like them, this is just another day in which they risk their lives to fill their bellies and survive. Trial and tribulations indeed. No wonder animals are more in tune with the world.

Their lives leave little room for anything else, but I'm not convinced the secret to controlling the Energy of the Heavens lies in oneness with nature. If struggle and survival are all that matters, then it means the Defiled are closer to the truth than the Empire, which just feels plain wrong. There has to be more to it, something beyond mere survival, and that's what Ping Ping is searching for. She followed me to Nan Ping for a reason, and its not Blobby, or at least, not just Blobby.

The stupid droplet has been gone for awhile now, but Ping Ping still drinks the water I feed her and still stays close to my side. The question is, why? And then it hits me. Not the answer to why Ping Ping is so affectionate, but why the scenery of the Azure Sea feels comfortable and familiar. If I block out the sky and stare at the waters, it's almost like I'm back in my Natal Palace, with Blobby holding back the shifting shadows which were the Spectres I invited into my life.

That's why I could find Balance enough to Hone my sword or Reinforce my body, but faltered every time I tried to step into my Natal Palace. Fear kept me out, fear of the unknown and fear of facing my mistakes. Will the Spectres be in there, waiting to greet me now that Blobby is gone? Will seeing the room I made for Baledagh be too painful to bear? Knowing me? Probably.

If the Spectres from before haven't come back, I bet there's a fresh batch of them shitting all over the mental landscape, and what can I do about them without Blobby? As for the room, I'll probably want to destroy it in a fit of pique, because that's easier than facing the truth. Hell, I destroyed most of my Natal Palace, lessened myself using the Legate's words, because I didn't want to look at anything that reminded me of the cozy, happy life I ruined by being too weak to reject temptation.

It's not Baledagh's fault I was almost exiled. It's mine. I succumbed to the Spectres. I allowed myself to be Tainted. I drew on their strength, believed in their lies, let their anger control me because it was easier than being afraid. Only my loving family's staunch support kept me from being exiled, the same loving family I almost brought disaster down upon. Will I learn from my mistakes? Probably not. I'm not strong enough to resist temptation on my own.

I'm a coward at heart, one who will do anything to survive, even surrendering to the Spectres if the need arises, because deep down, I don't believe in the dichotomy of good and evil. Take the feeding frenzy beside me, for example. Are the predators evil for killing their prey? Are the scavengers evil for stealing what others worked hard to earn? Is Ping Ping evil for not sharing her bounty? If only things were so simple.

Like Fung said, Balance isn't about morality, so why would there be a 'right' and 'wrong', a 'good' and 'evil' when it comes to Heavenly Energy? Power is power, simple as that, and morality only enters the equation when talking about what is done with said power. Ping Ping doesn't share, but she doesn't wantonly murder more than she can eat either. Same with the predators, killing just enough to be sated before leaving on their merry way.

In this same vein, who's to say one can't make use of the Spectres power without going full cannibal murder hobo? And oddly enough, I think I know how. Leaning over the side, I gaze into the murky depths and steel my resolve. Reaching down, I bring handful of water to my lips and drink up, belatedly remembering I have a water skin as I try not to gag on the fishy, metallic taste.

Soldiering through the horrible experience, I close my eyes and feel the cold, disgusting liquid settle into my belly before moving onto the next step. Stepping into my Natal Palace is easy as breathing now that I've identified the problem. No, that's not true. I've always known the problem was fear, but I still let it control me. I can't do that anymore. Fear is a tool, and I must use it well.

Looking around the small room with its comfortable bed and stylized ceiling brings a pang of raw anguish, but this time, I let it wash over me instead of rejecting it outright. Even though he wasn't real, he was real enough to me, so why shouldn't I grieve him? Another time though, right now, there's work to be done. Stepping out of the room, I gaze deep into the abyss and find the Spectres staring back, just as I expected.

I can tell they're not to blame for my crippling depression, for they lay dormant and silent for reasons unknown. It'd be nice if I could blame all my problems on Spiritual Parasites, but truth be told, I make plenty of problems for myself as it is. Depression is real, and it'll take hard work and time to get through it.

There's no magical pick me up to fix everything with a snap of my fingers, but if the Spectres do start yammering away, I'll need a way to deal with them, one which doesn't rely on Blobby who goes running off wherever it pleases. The water in my belly seeps into my Core, not the physical water but its spiritual essence, which winks into existence in my Natal Palace.

Feeling cheeky, I snap my fingers and the water surges out into the abyss, sweeping up those dormant Spectres and washing over them, dissolving and merging with them. What's left behind is neither good nor evil, Defiled nor Balanced, just pure, unsullied Energy of the Heavens, the very power of creation sitting in the palm of my metaphysical hands. It's so simple, I don't know why I didn't think of it earlier. Blobby is a drop of Heavenly Water, but what is that exactly?

Assuming it works the same way Chi does, then Blobby is probably Heavenly Energy mimicking the properties of water. If I can't rely on Blobby, then why can't I make my own version of Blobby using Chi, since Chi is just Heavenly Energy in a different form? I think. Probably. Whatever, it worked, sorta. Confidence. Another one of my issues I need to work on, but one thing at a time. Today, I create quasi-Heavenly Water, tomorrow, anti-anxiety medication, then we'll see what we can do about confidence. Chapter Meme