Chương 19: Hurt

The men were still screaming, sobbing. [Natalie Harigold] [Level 2 Sorceress] [Rival] [Strength 2][Stamina 3][Intellect 9][Charisma 4] [HP: 2/4][MP: 5/10][+1 Attribute][+1 Skill] [Essence Gathered: Select to Expand] [Condition: Untethered Essence (can fully bind Essence 100%, can bind Essence more easily)] [Signet of the Seer] My arms throbbed, one of my shoulders felt like it was dislocated. I had torn muscles all over. I was scraped and scratched, and sick to my stomach. I felt half-dead.

Yeah, half my hit points were gone, but I felt them. Losing one hit point in a fight against nine men was an incredibly good outcome, just judging by the numbers. They were not top-notch fighters or in very good shape, but each of them was twice my size. Each of them was the same level as me, and I solo'd an encounter against nine of them, and got credit for defeating eight. That netted me eight XP, and leveled me up. Eight XP on one battle, which I took on solo?

The gamer in me was shocked at this blatant attempt at suicide. But I knew myself, and I knew my skills. And, the game's mechanics do not have any allowance for levin essence, after all. I waved the menu away and hobbled over to the wounded.

"Oh quit screaming, you tried to kill me," I grumbled. I drew mana into the cotton essence and started churning out thick rolls of gauze.

"You, with the busted leg, help him pack the wounds with gauze, it'll slow the bleeding. You, take a roll and start splinting that wrist." I bent at the waist. and put my left wrist between my knees. I clamped them together, and used my right hand to hold everything in place. Then I used my back muscles to force myself up straighter, and the tension across my arm pulled the shoulder back into its joint. I grunted hard, eyes welling with tears, and clenched my teeth hard to keep from screaming as well.

That really fucking hurt. Movies make dislocations look easy. The guy with the busted leg was no use, so I had to take my recently-relocated shoulder and wrap the deep chest wound myself. I conjured steel scissors to cut away his jerkin and cleared space, then packed the wound and wrapped it. He bled through the first, but I kept wrapping until his kool-aid stayed inside. Then I roused the one with the broken jaw and had him get the most wounded bandits onto some stretchers.

At my direction, they carried their wounded over to the road.

"The caravan that's coming through is led by a very nice man named Davud," I told t hem.

"Tell him you were attacked, don't say why or by who. He's got enough room in his wagons to bring you to Girke, there's a healer there. With no cash, you'll have to work off your debt. Try to learn some kind of skill you can use to get a job. I recommend construction, and don't try berry farming, just a helpful tip. These bandages are going to vanish in a few hours, make sure you've had treatment before that happens." And I hobbled away, back into the woods.

As soon as I was sure I was out of sight, I put my back to a tree, slid down to a sitting position, and whimpered pitifully for about ten minutes. God, everything hurt so bad. When I was done, I stood up, wobbled a little. I opened the void and stepped through. By the time I got home, I was minimally better. I had dipped into a river to get the worst of the fight off of me, and then into our own swimming pool to get the river off of me.

So I was soaked through, and I looked like I'd fallen off a moving horse, but at least I didn't look like I'd fought off a band of bandit thieves in the wilderness outside of Girke.

"Oh my gods! My lady! You- oh my gods! What hap- someone get Fwatta! My lady needs a healer!"

"Hi, Hertyce," I said, leaning against a wall. I tried to use nonchalance to cover exhaustion.

"I don't suppose we could do this without rousing the whole house and making a fuss?" No chance. Everything was in an uproar within five minutes. Everyone knew that I'd been injured or killed. Father was mortified, Mother was furious, Nathan was terrified. Fwatta was businesslike and efficient. The injuries were cleared in about two minutes, and then she went back to her own office out in the grounds. Most of her duties were in accidents among the groundskeepers, or the occasional bit of midwifery.

She was unimpressed by my adventures, and just fixed me and moved on. There's a reason that healing magic is not available to player-characters in this game. It's overpowered as hell.

"You took the day off your classes?" Mother demanded, pacing back and forth. I was sitting in my bed. I was restored, full HP, and feeling as good as I ever could, bursting with energy. But it is some cosmic law: if a kid gets hurt, you spend the day in bed.

"You just ignored your tutors and wandered out.. if you had not been hurt, would we have even found out that you were out doing gods-know-what?" Not in a million years. If I could've gotten away with it, I never would have mentioned it. Instead of talking, I just scrunched up, pulling my knees up to my chest and wrapping my arms around them. Still wrapped by the blanket, nothing showing but my face and shoulders. I put my chin on my knees and kept my eyes downcast. The taffeta crumpled as she sat on my bedspread.

"Natalie, sweetie, it's not just that we worry. It's that this is exactly the kind of thing we worry about. It's not just that you could have gotten hurt, you did get hurt. And that is scary, because we did not know you were in danger, let alone in trouble. If something worse had happened, if you had gotten into trouble you couldn't walk away from, we would not know. And we couldn't help. We're not mad- I am not mad at you, but it's hard to feel helpless, that's all."

"I know," I said.

"And I understand. I am sorry that I worried you." She put a hand on my knee.

"Thank you. But... what happened? I want to understand." I shook my head.

"Natalie, my baby, I can't stop worrying until I think this won't happen again." The strength of this family has always been its ability to communicate. Honest and open. And I'm breaking that strength. I'm keeping too many secrets. I saw Father downstairs. He looked hollow, like he wasn't inside himself. Nathan's eyes were pleading. I hate watching the kind of show where everything could be solved if people would just talk to each other, but they refuse to do that.

The kind of show where all the conflict comes from people just refusing to come clean when they should. I hope that's the kind of story I'm in right now. I hope honesty will solve things. I took a deep breath. I let it out slow, letting it whistle out of my throat. I put one of my hands on top of hers, pressed against my knee. I could not meet her eyes, but I could hold her hand.

"Four weeks ago, Yheta hinted to me that if I agreed to marry him, his family would stop attacking ours. I snuck into his family's headquarters the next week, and worked some magic so I could spy on their doings. Four days ago I found out that they were hiring a band of thieves to attack a spice shipment passing through Girke. I snuck out to stop them. I wanted to scare them off, but they were either braver, or more desperate than I thought. They fought back, but I was able to beat all but one, he ran off.

The rest of them are being carried back to Girke; they'll be at the healer there by now." She listened carefully, unmoving. She considered. She gave it some thought. She let out her own long breath.

"The panic in me wants to ask why you risked your life to save a wagon. There's more spices."

"This one was pivotal," I said.

"If it was lost, we would lose the whole route. The bandits, having made one raid, would use that money to expand operations. And the monopoly of spices would be used to press the monopoly of flour and wheat. Lewot Snairlin would use this to grind people with starvation to reduce our political leverage. Many people would die. They still could die, if he tries again. This is not over; I handed him a delay, not a defeat. And.... I did not risk my life.

I went out to scare them off, and they turned more violent than I anticipated. It did end badly, but the risk was much like walking out into a livestock paddock."

"That reminds me, stop walking out into the livestock paddocks," she said.

"But how? How did you do this?" I shrugged.

"I'm growing into the greatest sorceress of our age. I have an ability to move great distances, and to move very quickly. I have made some inroads in building an affinity to lightning itself." Her hand firmed against my knee, holding me close but not clutching.

"I should have known that you were more special than you seemed," she said.

"You've been so quiet lately. Letting yourself fade back, ever since the attack on our carriage. Every time you do that, you're working on something big. Like when you learned to speak, and did not let us know for months." I chuckled.

"Like that, yes. I'm growing, Mother. I can help. Not in the ways that you and Father do things. There is still a lot that I need to understand before I can help with that. And not how Nathan helps. His skills and mine do not overlap much. But there are things I can do to help. Some of them are very important."

"Fighting bandits in the woods is not that, Natalie. We can send soldiers. We can find other ways. We are very proud of you and your work, but there are so many other ways you can help." They took my ring. There's a full-time spy that does nothing but watch Lewot's desk now, and takes notes of everything. Yes, it is a more efficient use of the item than leaving it on my finger for me to glance at occasionally... but it feels like I'm being punished for coloring outside the lines.

Even if there's good and valid reasons for it, I still have my magic items confiscated because I told her what she wanted to know. And obviously, no more adventuring or fighting. As promised, Mother did find a way that my sorcery could help out the family and the land. Something that only I can do, that there is no replacement for. And, it is a great, almost immeasurable, benefit to all. She's got me delivering mail. I cannot help feeling that this, also, is a bit of a punishment for scaring everyone like that.

Giving me extra chores, to take up my time and mana and attention so I can't find any more trouble. Knowing my family as I do, I know that is not the case. Tying me down and fencing me in is not the priority, or using this to "teach me a lesson". If Their Graces want this, it's because this is actually what is for the best. But the little voice inside of me that is actually kind of a shitty person? That voice is convinced that they're all mad at me. I stepped out of a portal, and flipped up the goggles.

They were fully covered, cast iron fitted directly to my head, with a hinge so I could fold them up out of the way when I need to see.

"Hey Tom," I said, waving lazily to the herald at Bawnoth. I held out a packet of envelopes, and traded them for the parcel he was passing back.

"Evening, Natalie," he said, giving a nod. I flipped down my goggles, and opened the void again. A hundred castles or town halls like this. I could knock them out very quickly, two or three per minute. I opened the door back to Harigold, and handed the parcel to Ymily, who pressed a bag into my hand.

"Vuryta," she told me, and I nodded as I closed the door again. Vuryta. Where Curigi Ghant was living. We visited there before the terracottas attacked us. My family charged out to fight against magic using weapons I made for them, but that was just fine! Maybe I'm a little bitter. Maybe I want to go fight magic monsters and be the big damn hero.

"Careful, this one's heavy," said the courier at Vuryta, handing me a package to go back to Harigold Manor. He passed it to me, and as soon as I had my hand on it there was no weight at all. Gravity exists in the real world, not the void. If I'm not paying attention, the doorway can come out at the wrong orientation, with my feet to the ceiling or a wall instead of the floor.

"And don't peek, it's for your birthday," the courier said. I could hear him winking, even with my eyes obscured by a cast-iron blindfold. My family already knew that I don't have a weight limit. The last time that Lewot tried to ambush a shipment, Father had me circumvent it by taking all those barrels through the void and making delivery directly. It was faster, safer, and they did not have to endanger or pay a driver. My father joked about replacing our whole transport network with my doorways.

I joked that I'd work for the same rate as all the current drivers, distributors, and guards for transport. Put together. It pretty much ended there. But he is correct that having me ferrying goods around will do more to break Snairlin's attempts at monopoly than any amount of thief-catching. If I wanted to consign myself as a cargo handler, I could do a lot of good for a lot of people.

And, as he pointed out, while transport is tedious and inconvenient, there is a benefit to having that many people gainfully employed. Paying me to deliver those goods does not have as much social benefit as distributing that same money to drivers who transport those same goods. We're not just a business, we're the heart of the community, and cost-cutting just to hoard money is counterproductive.

"Last one," Ymily said, and I sighed gratefully as I moved this package over to the recipient, and then brought the return packages back to Harigold. I stepped out, exhausted, and discorporated my goggles. Yes it would be a hell of a lot more efficient to bring many deliveries and drop them off in sequence instead of going back-and-forth between each stop separately. Or it would be, if I could open my eyes anywhere inside the void.

If I can't read a label, or even be sure I've got all the deliveries I'm supposed to, then this gets very inefficient very quickly. The door closed behind me, and I blinked hard, trying to adapt back to normal lighting. I yawned, and headed upstairs. Forty-five minutes today. Delivering messages and packages, making long range communications a matter of hours instead of weeks. Bringing Father's coalition of partners closer together to outmaneuver their political rivals.

I should feel good about doing something that nobody else can do, that is having such a very positive effect on the world. But is it? Really? All I had to work with was "dark days" and "trouble". I don't know what was actually going on without me. Or how it compares. Maybe I'm missing all kinds of opportunities. And maybe all these people are going to die no matter what I do, and all my well-intentioned help is just whistling past the graveyard. There was a time I thought about them as NPCs.

That makes me kind of ashamed. Not thinking about that! I was in a mood. Not a good one, either. So maybe that explains what was about to happen. I walked into the bedroom, and closed the door behind me. I walked over to the bed and dropped face-down into it, just spent. Nine hours of tutoring, forty-five minutes of my after-school job, socializing with family, keeping up my physical training... it was so damn much.

"I have a question," Nathan said, from behind a stack of books. He seemed to be making flashcards for himself, but then also throwing them twenty feet towards a basket. I groaned.

"I've got an answer. Let's see if they match. Square of the hypotenuse. What's yours?"

"Mother said we can choose the theme of our birthday party this year. What would you like?"

"Spooky. Monsters. Costumes. Masks and macabre. Creatures and ghosts. Not quite scary, but adjacent to it. Something thrilling," I said. For ten years now I've had an autumn birthday in a world that has no Halloween at all. It's been bugging me. He went silent, considering.

"Huh. Masks? Costumes, a masquerade party. But not just to guess the identity, also to portray a fantastical creature." He was already headed in the right direction.

"I think that what costumes people choose might be very revealing, don't you?"

"Interesting," he said.

"Can we push that back to Plan C or so? People don't really like monsters. And autumn is such a cozy time of year! Togetherness, companionship! Why would you put spooky monsters there?" He doesn't like my Halloween idea.

"Fine," I said.

"Let's pick something Yheta would like." I glared up at the ceiling.

"Yheta," he repeated, as if to make sure he heard me correctly.

"Yeah," I repeated. Folded my hands over my stomach.

"Why not? It is my fate to get married off to secure a good alliance for our family, which you'll be in charge of. And Yheta did make such a compelling argument for why he should get first consideration..."

"Yheta," he repeated. He did not wrinkle his nose in disgust. Nathan doesn't do things like that. But sometimes his tone of voice does it for him.

"Yeah, after he told me that I am the price of preventing a war between his house and mine. And that we wouldn't even have to leave each other because you and Filly are courting-" He shot bolt upright.

"What." I pulled the pillow over my face.

"So yeah. I spied on his patriarch. I confronted their pawns. I wanted to push back against his family and I wanted to do it face to face, with my own spells." Nathan paced off the room, exactly one time.

"He said this?" I could hear it, even with my eyes muffled by pillow. I was quiet for a minute. I felt like I'd already said too much.

"He said a lot of people could get hurt." He was very still. I checked to make sure he was still in the room, it was too quiet. He was still there, of course, how would he leave without making any sound at all? Only I can do that. He was staring up at a corner of the room, deep in thought. He wasn't angry. There was no heat in his stare. But it was sharp. You know that expression "glaring daggers" at someone? Nathan was glaring surgical tools.

"And then you stole the ring that Father is using to spy on Lewot?" I pulled the pillow back over my face.

"I already had that."

"Why?"

"Because it's incredibly useful," I said.

"As Father is learning. Anyone who even hears about it thinks of reasons to want it."

"I didn't think it was your style," he mused, more lightly now. I wrapped my arms over the pillow and crushed it against my forehead.

"I wanted information. A way to stay ahead of people. I'm not like you, I can't deduce from social cues. I can't charm people into telling me twice as much as they thought they did. Magic is my edge." His hands plucked at the pillow, and I grudgingly released it. Nathan pulled me upright and folded me into a deep, deep hug.

"Oh Natalie," he said with wry humor in his eyes.

"We gotta work on you."