Chương 79: Ah, here we go again

He felt uncomfortably warm. Comfy though. The ground he lay on was soft. No little rocks or hard edges. He turned over on the other side without opening his eyes, and didn't feel any false-matter disintegrating from the sudden movement. Instead, the surface yielded, changing its shape with a quiet creak. It took a few seconds for his half-asleep mind to realize what it was – a mattress.

A shitty one, judging by the creaking, but also real, which made it a thousand times better than any surface he had slept on since forever. There was something warm and soft under his head. A pillow. It smelled like dust, but not the false-dust that existed until it didn't. Real dust, that made his nose itch. Wherever someone had found this pillow, it must have lain untouched for a while, and they had forgotten to dust it off. It was still the best fucking pillow in the world. It was amazing.

The source of his overheating was a blanket. An actual blanket, capable of being folded and keeping warmth inside, made of a million different threads, real and meaningful. It had history, it belonged to someone, it was made by someone, it was forgotten by someone. He felt too hot, almost uncomfortable, but damn, he would do everything in his power to stay under it for a little bit longer. Strength: 7 -> 8 Constitution: 10 -> 11 Soul: 0 -> 2 Kriya Shakti -> Kriya Shakti 2 Dennis opened his eyes.

He didn't move otherwise. He was trying to decide if he should freak out or not. He was still in the same kitchen. Someone had put a mattress on the floor, near the table where he collapsed. Probably so they wouldn't have to move him too far. It was a miracle that he didn't wake up from that. Good one, too, since he didn't put a sign that warned people about his accidental stabbing tendencies. It was a dangerous thing, to move him while he slept. Muramasa lay on the floor nearby, just slightly out of reach.

He immediately felt better, knowing that his dagger-sword was still with him. Though its placement was curious, and felt deliberate. Just far enough so he wouldn't be able to immediately grab it to stab someone, and yet close enough that whoever did this knew how Dennis felt about not having his weapon nearby. Someone who both knew about his fear of accidentally killing people when startled, and about his attachment to the sword. Lily. She was a bit too small for the task though.

But he could imagine her standing nearby and explaining dos and don'ts of handling unconscious Dennis to whoever did the heavy lifting. If she remembered everything from the time of her 'death', and apparently she did, the girl knew a lot about him. Too much, to be honest. Some moments he really wasn't proud of. He could hear the sounds of someone talking from another room.

"The investigator resolves the Will test listed on the Monster token. If the Monster's horror is greater than the number of successes rolled, the investigator loses Sanity equal to–" It was Mary's voice. He could hear El'el humming something in response. Fucking nerds. She was teaching the elf to play board games. A fucking magical elf from another world. Board games. Like there wasn't anything else more important to do, in a post-apocalyptic world where monsters roam and people are dying all the damn time.

Dennis chuckled. Talk about being bad with priorities. For some reason, the criticism felt half-hearted. He was amused more than anything. If they were having fun, good for them. He wondered what they were playing. And if they found snacks. Something to drink would also be nice. Coke, preferably. He didn't want to drink water like a plebian. Those thoughts made him frown, and he turned onto his back with a heavy sigh, staring at the unfamiliar ceiling. Right. To freak out or not to freak out, that was the question.

Honestly, he didn't feel that bad. Tired, mostly. A bit lazy, maybe. He didn't want to get up. His Soul was back, along with a nice bunch of other gains. Just as he had hated not being able to actually think like a hero, he was terrified of somehow straying from the path and abandoning his dream. Losing his focus and getting distracted. That fear felt a bit dumb now. It didn't disappear, but it wasn't that horrifying anymore. He was still himself, and wanted the same things.

Being able to appreciate a soft pillow didn't sound that bad, and wouldn't stop him from doing the right thing. Lots of heroes did other things than saving people and delivering cheeky one-liners. No-Soul him was just a bit… too radical in his views, hence the fear. It was fine. Even if he was lazing around instead of doing heroics. Fuck, okay, yeah. He could see the danger. Someone was surely dying somewhere, and with his speed he could've saved them if he had bothered. He just… didn't feel like it. Too tired.

Too soon. The idea actually filled him with dread. He wanted to eat something warm, and properly catch up with Lily. Check out what nerdy shit that Mary girl was spewing, see if the elf would tell him anything interesting. Maybe find some clean clothes. Find that city that Naithan talked about and see how humanity was doing. Did they have the internet? No way, right? But maybe they had electricity from generators or something, and he could find, like, a dvd player or what old people used before the internet.

He promised to show Lily the Justice League, the bad one, and that sounded fun. Sure, she was 'dead' when he made the promise, but it didn't matter that much. Oh! They could find a cinema and see if it was possible to put on a movie like that. Maybe El'el could figure out electricity with her magic. Damn, he wanted to learn magic. He wanted… He wanted so much. And most of those things weren't heroic. He slowly closed his eyes. Okay. He took a deep breath. This story has been taken without authorization.

Report any sightings. Maybe he should freak out. Or maybe not? Ah, self-doubt, I didn't miss you at all. He was fucked.

"I'm fucked," he said calmly to the ceiling. Too calmly.

"I have absolutely, no fucking, like, zero idea how to deal with this shit."

'Dude, don't talk to ceilings,' the ceiling replied.

'That's freaky.' While his voice betrayed no emotion, Dennis felt the feelings brewing at the back of his throat. It was like a dam. He was calm, yet he was also aware of how close–one stray thought–he was to being not fucking calm at all. Did he really leave people to die to the fog-monster? Wait, what about his mom, he had crossed the country like ten times all over, why didn't he– He didn't see her anywhere, but he wasn't looking, he had to– Yep, freaking out it is.

He could feel his heart beating faster every moment. His breathing becoming uneven. In one quick motion, he sat up, the comfyness of the bed no longer inviting, but constricting. The blanket fell off. He wasn't supposed to stay in bed. He was supposed to– Do something. Anything. Move somewhere, save someone, find the clarity of purpose that he was so used to having, that was missing now. No-Soul him decided that he needed the stat, and he agreed, in theory, but how the fuck was he supposed to do anything?!

He was supposed to get a Soul and start wanting to save people for the right reasons. Well, shit luck, he wanted ten different things and none of them were about saving people. He didn't want to save people. The idea of going back to that grind was repulsive. Horrifying, for reasons that he couldn't understand, and he was supposed to start wanting that, but properly. How?! He wasn't even sure if it was the right thing to do! It was getting harder to breathe. His vision was getting darker in the corners, narrowing.

He couldn't hear the conversation anymore, only the sound of his own heartbeat and heavy breaths. His hands were trembling. Without a Soul, he didn't know what a true hero was, and so his dream was unachievable. Easy solution for that – just get the thing, and use his awesome soul-capabilities to do the hero thing the right way. That plan had been crystal clear in his mind. The only danger that No-Soul-Dennis perceived was straying from the path. But he didn't know what to do.

Forget about straying from the path, there was no path at all. Just choices. He had no idea where to even start. There were so many things he could do, should do, wanted to do, and none of them felt right or wrong. Was he already failing? Failing at what? He felt like he was failing. He was–"Dennis!" He heard Lily's voice. The girl almost ran into the room, probably hearing him moving. She was excited, enough that he could see it on her face.

She forgot to do her 'I'm a robot' thing again, and felt like a small beacon of happiness.

"You're awake! You're– Oh." She stopped in place once she saw him, hesitant to approach closer.

"You got your Soul back." Was it that obvious?

"H-hey," he said quietly, trying to force a small smile. Why did he do that? To comfort her? He had no idea what he was doing, and why. Dammit. She slowly came closer and squatted down nearby, almost at arm's reach, looking at him with worry.

"Are you spiraling again?" she asked quietly.

"Do you want me to sit nearby and pretend to be dead while you're crying? W-well, not pretend. P-pretend to pretend. You know." She waved her hand, trying to articulate something. A laugh escaped him against his own will. Damn, what a dumb idea. Part of him thought it sounded wonderful. He shook his head.

"Nah," he said.

"I mean, I probably am, but… I'll figure it out. Somehow. It's just that I'm out of practice with dodging dangerous thoughts. I'll distract myself with something soon enough. Is Mary seriously teaching the elf how to play boardgames? What are they playing?" Lily tilted her head, frowning slightly.

"You know, I've had words I wanted to tell you about that genius tactic of yours," she said.

"But maybe it's fine for now," she said more quietly, almost to herself.

"We found a whole stash of them in the apartment upstairs, and Mary was screaming 'cultural exchange' like she was possessed. For some reason, Ellie was actually into the idea. I don't think she cares about the games, but she's trying to learn 'human', I think, since she's stuck here with us.

We've played a few rounds of monopoly since that's the only one I know how to play, and it was pretty fun, but then Mary got bored and said that monopoly wasn't a real game, and picked another one, but the rules were too confusing, and– I think she's giving Ellie the wrong idea about what normal humans do, to be honest."

"Nice, you got the Necronomicon! It's so good –" Yeah, Dennis could believe that. Lily was rambling more than answering the question, which was intentional, he thought. She was trying to distract him. Usually, when he entered a spiral, she was either silent or an active participant in the spiraling, but that was 'dead' Lily, who he was pretty sure was a part of his hyperactive imagination. The real Lily was… different. More helpful, for one. Also more mobile. Did he even know her?

There was a strong feeling of familiarity when talking to the girl, but wasn't that because he was used to talking to his 'idea' of Lily? He didn't actually know much about her. But she was nice. She seemed to care about him a lot, for some reason. He wanted to know more about her. A small ball of dread came back. Okay, first part of the plan – stop freaking out when you want things. Dennis forcibly relaxed his shoulders. Even for such a simple thing, he wasn't sure if that was the right decision.

Maybe he should actively berate himself for wanting the wrong thing? But that sounded wrong, especially since he wasn't even sure what the wrong thing was. Maybe he should– Lily gently tapped his forehead, with concern in her eyes. He understood the idea. Stop. Stop. It was a work in progress.

"Thanks," he said, remembering something she had said.

"El'el is stuck with us? Can't she make portals? I mean, control spawn points?"

"It was a High Authority thing," Lily said.

"Ability. She lost it when she came with us to the real world, since you can only have that title while in the Echo. Mantle? She called it a mantle. Echo is what they call the mirror world." She looked him in the eyes.

"You kinda missed the whole explanation when you ran away. Even though you were the one to ask for it. Please stop randomly running away? I know you'll come back, but… We kind of need you here. I mean, I do. Ellie, also. Don't know about Mary, I think she's here mostly because of her elf obsession."

"In my defence, I saved a guy." Dennis averted his eyes. Why did he feel guilty?

"And then a few million other people. I… I think I'll use that defence a lot in the future."

"But you'll come back?" Dennis honestly considered it. Technically, it wasn't what he considered heroic. He could save so many more lives, instead of wasting his time here. Maybe find a way to increase his Con more so he could do that endlessly and without stopping. Maybe an effect that restored his stamina and dealt with sleep and hunger when he saved someone? With his speed, he could become a force of nature, saving everyone everywhere all at once. A part of him hated that idea.

A part of him hated that he hated that idea. He didn't really see a reason for staying, but he wanted to. And Lily said that they needed him. He didn't know why, but if she said that, then it was the truth. Maybe, staying wasn't that bad of an idea. It didn't feel like one. At least until he figured himself out. He had a lot of figuring out to do.

"I'll try," he said. For some reason, the decision felt good.

"Still gonna save randoms if they pop up though. Maybe a 'hero for fun' approach would work better? It did for Saitama, and that guy totally could've built a utopia if he wanted. Dunno. I'm not sure where to start, really…"

"Try a bath."