Chương 100: Compassion

"I miss being dead." That was the first thing that came out of Lily's mouth as she climbed onto the roof where he was heroically brooding and sat nearby. An impressive opener, as far as conversation starters went. The sun was almost below the horizon, coloring the clouds in vivid orange and making the chill of the air feel nearly biting. Sydney still hadn't come back, probably getting wasted in a strategic secret meeting. There had to be a reason why it was in a pub.

Mary went to sleep, or to spy on the aforementioned secret meeting – he wasn't sure. El'el had locked herself in her room to meditate again – something about recovering from her Soul exhaustion. That elf surely loved her meditations. They probably hadn't invented TV or the internet where she was from, if that was her default recreational activity. They were alone.

"It's scary, but…" Lily continued, sitting nearby and watching the clouds, her legs dangling off the edge. A part of him was weirdly worried about the girl falling off, it wasn't like that hadn't happened before, but he was pretty sure that with him nearby it was almost impossible for her to hurt herself like that.

"It wasn't scary in the moment, you know? Dead people don't think about anything, and they don't worry. Looking back, it was really peaceful." Dennis hummed, watching the city below. The mansion was somewhat closed off, with a big enough yard to feel private and enclosed, but he could see the streets and buildings from the roof. He could see the people. He was watching them. Like birdwatching, but with people.

"You made me worry a lot," he said quietly.

"I think."

"Yeah," she replied. He didn't look, but he could feel in his bones that she smiled a little at that. Dennis wondered if he would've seen that smile on her face if he turned around.

"You think?"

"I'm still not sure what's happening with my head because of the Soul thing," he said.

"It's… confusing, I guess." He thought he was trying to save her because it was the heroic thing to do. But that didn't feel right anymore. Lily was dead. He saw dozens of people die before that and didn't have any problems with deciding that he could do nothing about that. What made her so different? He was practically obsessed with trying to resurrect her. Even when his Soul was so miniscule that the System didn't even count it as having any, his attempts to save her went beyond emulating heroism. He was worried.

He didn't want her to die. His actions had nothing to do with his idea of heroism. It was a selfish desire to save the girl. He just didn't understand that then. Things were getting clearer now.

"You did question everything a lot," she nodded. How the hell did he know that she nodded? He wasn't looking. That aura of hers was weird.

"In circles. It was a bit silly. You're still doing that?"

"I'm better, I think." He watched as some guy threw something in a trash bin. Was the city functional enough to have trash collectors? Huh.

"The questioning isn't so constant, and I don't really spiral the same way. It's like… Hmm. With one point in Soul I was aware that I could do something else besides what I was doing, and it manifested as doubt. But with two points I can actually see some of the other options, so it's not as confusing? It's like before, I had all the questions, but now I'm starting to get some answers. I–" He was mostly rambling near the end, unsure of his own explanation. He understood the irony.

"How does a high Soul feel for you? You had a ridiculously high value, if I remember right."

"It's at sixty right now," she replied, shrugging. Fucking hell. Had she thrown all her points into the stat? Did she actually shrug? He wasn't looking.

"I guess…" she continued.

"It's like I can do whatever I want? Like… if I want something, I have this strange confidence that if I try hard enough I'll get it? It feels like everything is possible. But maybe it's talking about the mana? Ellie says that almost everything is possible with mana, if you know how, and I have a lot of it." Her description of the Soul sounded a lot like Kriya, but from another side? His Skill was about manipulating fate, and manifested as understanding of consequences of his decisions.

Knowledge about the road ahead of him, and a chance to change his mind. Lily didn't have the signpost, but, unlike him, she was on the crossroads of hundreds of paths, while he felt like he only had a few. The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

"You have a free-will equivalent of running at the speed of sound, and you're using it to follow me like a duckling?"

"Mhm." She didn't even bother to feel ashamed.

"You don't mind, right?" Nah.

"I don't."

"You don't care?" Dennis paused before the reply left his mouth, his mind registering the answer only after he took a breath to speak it out loud. Lily didn't rush him. She just watched him curiously. He still didn't turn around to look at her.

"I think it's nice," he said quietly. The wind blew across the roof, making him shudder from the cold.

"It's nice to– I don't know. To be important to someone? To know that someone cares? I… I don't…"

"It's okay," she said gently.

"You'll figure it out. You don't have to rush." He sighed, feeling the tension in his shoulders slightly relax. Something in her words resonated with him, while something else struck a wrong chord.

"People will die while I'm wasting time 'figuring it out'."

"Well, fuck them. I think you're doing great and anyone who's whining that they're dying because you're taking too long can just go and die in a ditch." He chuckled.

"That's not a very heroic thing to say," he chided her.

"Good thing I'm not a hero then," she said, smiling in mischief. He leaned back on the roof, letting his legs dangle from it, watching the first stars appear in the sky as the sun dimmed beyond the horizon. Even at dusk, with the last remains of sun's light still present, he could notice so many of them. Lily didn't rush him, just watching the sky change its color without trying to fill the silence. The silence was comfortable. It was getting pretty cold. The sky was getting more beautiful by the minute.

It was breathtaking.

"Why?" he asked after what felt like forever.

"Why what?"

"Why are you stuck to me?" He was wondered about that a lot, hadn't he? Or rather, not enough. Things around him kept happening, and he didn't know why, and never cared. Just went with the flow.

"We don't actually know each other, do we? I barely know you. And you don't really need my protection anymore, not like at the beginning. I bet you could wipe out the entire city if you were serious."

"And forget who I am in the process?"

"You said it yourself – you miss being dead. You're scared of using your skill, but I think you also miss using it. You didn't have any problems pretending to be happy, and I know you want it. It's so obvious how you're constantly trying not to 'act', fighting against yourself. It's in your aura. It must be exhausting. And there's no way your skill doesn't have an 'off' button in there somewhere. Come to think of it, I had Mimicry Resistance as one of my skill options, and it was from your skill path.

You just need to level into it or unlock it somehow. Maybe El'el knows. Anyway, my point is – you don't actually need me. You're strong. And I'm… not the best person to stick around. It would make more sense if you stuck to Mary. God knows that girl knows what she's doing." Lily hummed, still smiling slightly. She was amused by his question, and… a bit proud?

"You're honest," she said.

"Huh?"

"Mary is a liar," she continued.

"Not in a bad way. She means well, I'm pretty sure. But she knows how to talk to people to get what she wants, even if she just wants to help them. She speaks differently to different people. She…" Lily was a bit lost for words.

"She knows how to play the game. Better than most, but everyone plays it. Ellie is scared all the time and tries not to show it, Sydney tries to look cooler than she thinks she is, Mark wants to get rid of us because we're a headache but puts up a friendly face because he's afraid of us… And you…" She looked at him fondly.

"You never lie," she said.

"You're exactly the way you act. At first, I decided to stick with you because I knew you didn't care about my skill or that I was like… you know. But… it was because you really didn't care. I mean… It's not about you caring or not. It's about how honest you were all the time. It's… comforting, I guess. It feels like I know you as well as I knew my–" She suddenly stopped, as if hitting a roadblock. A wave of grief hit him. It felt like she was crying, but he couldn't hear it.

"Lily," he asked quietly.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes," she whispered back.

"No… I miss him." It hurt. He turned around. Her expression was blank. She sat like a puppet without its strings, unmoving, not showing even a hint of emotion—not even shivering from the cold. Not acting, and in doing so, showing nothing and everything. Her skill really wasn't supposed to be used like that. It was as if he tried to use Heroic Dash to rob a bank. The results were just a mess. He had no idea how to help her. He wanted to help her.

"Who?" he asked gently.

"Jacob," she said tonelessly, as if noting the weather. He closed his eyes.

"My brother," she said with longing, suppressing a cry.

"You were close with him?"

"Mhm," she nodded. He wasn't looking.

"He was–" she almost stuttered, trying to find the right words.

"He was a liar. The best one. But… he never lied to me. And I never lied to him. I mean– we did it for practice, but never for real. At least, I thought that. But he left me. He said he'd come back and he didn't and–" She sobbed. Dennis didn't open his eyes." He lied," she accused.

"I don't think it counts as a lie if you get eaten by a goblin on the way," Dennis said quietly.

"He got eaten by a goblin, right?" Lily sniffed.

"I think so…" she whispered.

"I'm sorry." She almost jerked, looking at him wide-eyed. He didn't open his eyes.

"Really?"

"Yeah," he muttered.

"It sucks. Tell me about him?" He still didn't know so much. About Lily. About everything. But he was learning. Under the countless stars, Lily told him about her life. About Jacob, and her mom. School, and her dad. It was a surprise to find out that just like him, she grew up without a father. But at least hers had an excuse of dying when she was young. He told her about his life. Not about the speedsters, this time, but the dry moments between the comic chapters.

The friendships he was only now starting to realize he didn't know he had. His crazy ex. His boring-ass job. The grief was easier when shared. The stars were beautiful.