Chương 184: Chapter 183 [Can We Loot The Bodies?]

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"The road out to the ridge takes the better part of two hours," Lauren said.

"Fields give way to scrubland, then rock, until eventually you spot it - a low split in grey rock, half-swallowed by scrub, crude markings scratched into the stone either side. Matches what the innkeep described exactly."

"Tywin studies the entrance a moment," Sam said.

"'This is the place.'""Titus doesn't need convincing," Leo said.

"He's already walking toward it, hand on the shaft of his glaive." Rika practically bounced in her seat.

"Aura skips ahead too!

'Come on, come on, what are we waiting for?'" Phil grinned at her enthusiasm, right up until Rika's foot connected with his shin under the table.

"Ow - what was that for?"

"You had a stupid grin. You were going to say something that deserved a kick, I just know it," Rika said, glaring at Phil, who held up his hands in mock surrender.

"Right," Lauren said, pulling a rolled piece of paper from behind her cardboard screen and laying it flat on the table. It was a hand-drawn map, corridors and rooms sketched in pencil, every single chamber hidden beneath its own separate scrap of paper.

"Oh, that's cool. I did wonder if we'd be using minis," Sam said, leaning in to look.

"Took me two evenings," Lauren admitted, entirely too pleased with herself. She set a handful of small painted miniatures beside the map.

"You're standing at the mouth of a low split in grey rock, half-swallowed by scrub and crude goblin markings. What's your marching order?" After a brief, loud argument about who was squishiest, Bjorn and Titus ended up shuffled to the front, Lydia just behind them, everyone else trailing in a chaotic cluster.

"Moving in," Lauren said, and peeled away the first piece of paper.

"Low ceiling in here, smells like old straw," she said.

"Three goblins scramble up from a half-hearted game of cards the second you walk in."

"Roll initiative," Lauren declared. Dice clattered across the table, numbers called out fast and mostly ignored except by Lauren, jotting the order down behind her screen.

"Shai, you're first up. What does Lydia do?"

"Lydia draws and fires." Shai rolled, checked it, and winced.

"Four."

"The arrow goes wide," Lauren said, "thudding into the stone wall a foot clear of her target." Shai glared at her die. Leo grinned.

"What?" she said.

"Better get used to missing," Leo said.

"The dice take no prisoners."

"It's one shot."

"Sure. Now imagine that's the roll you need to land to save your character. Or the one that decides whether the boss kills everyone at the table." Shai went slightly pale.

"That's - wait, that's actually a thing that happens?"

"Constantly."

"I thought this was meant to be fun." Leo's grin hadn't shifted, but something about it had gone a bit sharper.

"It is fun." She studied him for a second.

"You like that? The idea of me rolling a four at the worst possible moment?"

"Of course. Half the fun in D&D is failing."

"Didn't take you for a sadist..."

"I mean," he said.

"That's what D&D's about, though. Imagine the other side of it - you need to roll high to save everyone, and it actually comes off. That feeling's what hooks you. The longer you play, the more it gets you."

"If you say so."

"Titus steps up and swings his glaive," Leo announced, rolling.

"Nineteen to hit." He rolled damage and grinned.

"Nice, eight damage."

"That's enough," Lauren said.

"The goblin folds backward, glaive catching it clean across the chest. Down and not getting back up."

"Torren, you're up," Lauren said. Torren rolled.

"Fifteen to hit."

"That connects," Lauren said. He rolled again, the die clattering off the edge of the table before Rika caught it and read it out for him.

"Ten damage."

"Bjorn's axe comes across in a single arc, cleanly removing the goblin's head as it falls limply to the ground," Lauren said.

"The other goblin freezes as it notices its two companions have been killed in seconds."

"Good," Torren said, quiet as ever, and left it there. Phil grinned.

"Least enthusiastic murder I've ever heard described." Unauthorized usage: this narrative is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

"Aura's turn," Lauren said. Rika rolled.

"Eleven to hit - does that even land?"

"Just about." She rolled damage next, pulling a face at the result.

"Four fire damage. That's rubbish."

"The fireball catches more ceiling than goblin," Lauren said, "but it's enough to singe it properly and knock it off balance."

"Sylas finishes it," Phil said, rolling.

"Fourteen to hit."

"That's a hit." He rolled damage, grinned.

"Seven. Dagger straight through it."

"Dagger goes in clean," Lauren said.

"Last goblin drops. The chamber is now empty and silent. What do you want to do?"

"Can we loot the bodies?" Phil asked.

"And check the room for anything hidden while we're at it?"

"Sure. Roll for it." Everyone rolled. Phil's came out highest.

"Sylas gets stuck in properly," Lauren said.

"Hand goes round the first goblin, feeling for pockets, pouches, anything useful. It's only wearing a loincloth so he checks there." Phil's face went slightly pale.

"The only thing your hand finds," Lauren went on, entirely straight-faced, "is the goblin's cock. Not sure that's quite the treat you were expecting." The table erupted.

"Wow. Waiting 'til it's dead to feel it up. That's pretty gross, dude," said Luka with a grin.

"Oh, fuck off! How was I supposed to know it was only wearing a loincloth?"

"I mean, were you expecting it to be wearing armour or something? You realise the goblins we fought the other day were more or less just like this, right?" said Sam, wiping a tear from his eye.

"I'd maybe lock your doors at night, boys. I didn't realise Phil had this side to him," laughed Shai.

"Can we just move on? Stupid game," grumbled Phil.

"Rika, you managed to roll second highest so Aura looks around the room. She finds some bedding, spare loincloths, and a strange-looking rock with a face drawn on it."

"Please don't tell me the name Wilson is etched on the back or something," groaned Parmo. Lauren smirked.

"Strangely, it is." The lads stared at her and shook their heads. She laughed.

"Nothing else in here," Lauren said.

"Anyone want to do anything more, or are you moving on?"

"Moving on," Leo said, and the rest of the table murmured agreement. Lauren tapped the map.

"Three tunnels head off from this chamber. Two smaller ones either side, and a wider one straight ahead."

"Obviously the big one," Phil said.

"Goblins aren't exactly known for subtlety."

"Main tunnel," Leo confirmed.

"Right," Lauren said, tracing a finger along the map.

"Tunnel runs straight for a stretch, then bends off to the right further up. Before you reach that bend, though, there's a door set into the wall on your left. Barred window near the top, small enough you'd need to get close to see through it properly." She peeled away the next square of paper to show the room beyond it - a heavy locked door, three metal-bound chests visible through the gap in the window against the far wall.

"Door's locked," Lauren said.

"What do you want to do?"

"Sylas checks the lock," Phil said, already reaching for his dice. He rolled a nineteen and looked pleased with himself.

"Piece of cake. The rogue has arrived, ladies and gentlemen." Sam caught Leo's eye across the table, both of them smirking. Neither said anything, but given how loudly Phil had complained about hating the whole idea less than an hour ago, they knew he was already hooked. They would wait for the end of the session to bring it up.

"The lock clicks open," Lauren said. Phil picked his die back up, tossing it lightly into the air and catching it.

"I pop the first chest."

"Woah, hang on," Sam said.

"Checking for traps first, yeah?"

"Obviously. I'm not an idiot." Phil rolled. Stared at it. Leaned closer like the number might change if he waited long enough.

"What'd you get?" Leo asked.

"... One." The table erupted before Lauren had even finished setting up.

"The second your fingers touch the latch," she said over the noise, fighting her own laughter, "a hidden spring fires. A poison-tipped crossbow bolt shoots straight out of a small contraption behind you and buries itself directly into Sylas's arse."

"Really?" Phil said, deadpan.

"In the arse?!"

"Roll a constitution save." He rolled a three.

"Poison spreads fast," Lauren said, without mercy.

"You take 8 points of poison damage, and now have a bolt sticking out of your arse."

"Tywin's already moving," Sam said, fumbling for his dice while trying to get his laughter under control.

"I yank the bolt out and cast Cure Wounds on the idiot."

"Call me an idiot all you want, I'll more than happily take your share of the loot," Phil said.

"Don't even think about it," Sam said.

"You owe me for saving you. I can't believe you nearly died in the first fifteen minutes of the game."

"It's not my fault this die is shit."

"Look at him, already blaming the dice," Leo said, laughing.

"He'll be putting them in dice jail before we know it." Once the table settled, Lydia checked the remaining two chests with considerably more caution. Both turned out clean - a modest pile of silver, and a set of iron tools nobody at the table recognised, written down anyway just in case.

"Everyone not checking chests, give me a perception check," Lauren said. Rika, Parmo, and Luka all cleared theirs. The rest didn't.

"Low scratching, coming from the corner of the room," Lauren said.

"Faint, but there."

"Steve has a look round for where it's coming from," Parmo said.

"There's a rat, tucked in against the base of the wall," Lauren said.

"Watching you. Hasn't moved."

"Steve wants to talk to it," Parmo said instantly.

"You've got Speak with Animals prepared?"

"Of course." He rolled, checked it, grinned.

"Seventeen."

"The rat's willing to talk," Lauren said. Parmo dropped straight into his slow drawl.

"Woah. Hey, little dude. So, like - you live round here? With these smelly goblins and everything?" Lauren did the rat's voice, small and clipped.

"'Get left alone in here, mostly. Nothing outside comes in this deep. Suits me fine.'""That's, like, totally smart," Parmo said, nodding along.

"You must be the smartest rat I've ever met.""'I like to think so.'""So, little dude." Parmo leaned in, the picture of stoned sincerity.

"Anything else round here? Like, more of these chest things, hidden away somewhere?" The rat seemed to think about it."'There's one,'" Lauren said, still in the voice.

"'Behind that weird thing against the wall.'" She nodded at the bookcase.

"'Others like to take things from it, stare at them for ages. Goblins never touch it, though. Move it around from time to time, but that's it.'""Worth a look," Leo said.

"Bjorn's on it," Torren said.

"Moving the bookcase." He rolled - strength check, easily cleared.

"The bookcase drags aside," Lauren said, "and behind it is a door. Old, doesn't match the goblin work anywhere else in this cave. Unlocked, but shut."

"Sylas checks it for traps first this time," Phil said, pointedly. The table laughed.

"Clean," Lauren said, once he'd rolled.

"No traps. Push it open, and there's a small room beyond - a single chest inside, better made than anything else you've found down here."

"Sylas checks the chest properly this time," Phil said. Rolled. Grinned.

"Nice and clean."

"Inside are several heavy bags of coin," Lauren said.

"You don't count it out exactly, but it's clearly a lot more than anything you've found so far tonight."

"Yes," Phil said, pumping a fist.

"That more than makes up for the arse incident," Sam said.

"Steve wants to say bye to the little guy properly," Parmo said.

"Tells him he's a good dude. Asks if he wants to come with us." Lauren did the rat's voice.

"'Nah. Staying here. Don't trust the look of that one.'" She pointed at Rika.

"Hey!" Rika said.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You can't understand him," Lauren said.

"Only Parmo can." Parmo grinned at Rika.

"Yeah, I know what you mean, little bro. She does seem a bit crazy."

"I am sat right here!"