Chương 258: Chapter Two Hundred and Fifty-Eight

Luan takes a sip and his face flickers with disgust. Then he takes another, and another.

"This is awful, but it is warm and sweet and I can't stop drinking it. Especially when it's cold at the top of the mountain." Fial and Dareaca also try their luck with the drink. I'm pretty pleased with how it turned out. I'd have tried simulating it far earlier, but I needed the Tanna Tea samples to work off of. If I knew every chemical formula for tea (Camellia Sinensis) and its fermentation, I would not have been having so much trouble!

"I quite like it," says Dareaca.

"This version is for labourers and craftsmen, yes? What are the other types?" I say, "There are more ways to prepare this drink than there are stars in the sky, from elaborate ceremonies and special tools, to farming methods, roasting, fermentation, or even additional flavours from other plants. Rose, bergamot, and lemon were popular. Some regions used spices. They called it Chai. It isn't just the comfort or flavours that I miss, but the culture too." Dareaca says, "Culture? Around milky plant water?"

"Like the Vostroyan First Born, dumbass," says Luan, "or officers and amasec."

"Ignore them. Carry on, Dad," says Fial.

"Don't bicker, boys. That's a good comparison, Luan. Tea was a popular gift, especially the high quality or novel flavours. There were thousands of years of history behind it, varying by region and era. It has sparked wars and ended them. It has shaped whole countries with the socio-economic impacts of its creation. It has smoothed diplomacy between countries, warlords, and gangsters alike.

"In your hands is one of the most fundamental blocks of civilization, one that dates back to the very first Humans. You're not just holding tea in your hands, you're drinking history."

"No wonder it tastes so bitter," says Luan, refilling his cup. Dareaca says, "You sure do love to make something sound greater than it is, Dad."

"Well, that's how I feel about it. I don't expect you to agree, I just wanted to share something that's special to me with my boys before they go out into the world."

"It's cool, Dad. We get it," says Luan.

"Good." Luan says, "So now that you've shown us your past and taken us out on yet another groundbreaking simulation, is there something else we are doing today, or are we going to stare at the view for a bit then pack it in? I feel like you've been leading up to something today, Dad, and not just the sunset from the mountain top." I sigh, "The problem with you all going away for so long means I have to resolve a whole slew of issues that might not need to be poked at all.

However, I feel like this is the last chance I have to say some important words that might cause as many problems as they solve."

"Just spit it out, Dad," says Dareaca. Fial says, "You do go on some pretty epic tangents. We're used to it by now. I'm actually feeling pretty good after that tea of yours, so I reckon I can take a second shock for the day."

"Am I truly that predictable?"

"Yes!" All three of my boys shout.

"Very well. First, I owe you all an apology. I should not have become so angry with you all at the celebration soiree for the Plague Zombie purge." Dareaca says, "Nah, that's OK, Dad. We were being rather rude. I was only annoyed at you for a little bit."

"No, that's not it." A hint of amusement enters my tone, "The three of you may have deserved my disappointment." I shake my head and return to being serious, looking each of them in the eyes.

"You did not deserve my anger. I was unconsciously associating your laughter with something else and took out my distress on all of you."

"Are we even having the same conversation?" says Luan.

"Sure you were angry, Dad, but everyone gets pissed sometimes. I don't see what the big deal is."

"It's a big deal because even the smallest of doubts, left to fester, are an invitation to Chaos. I do not want to part on poor terms, hence the apology and, if you wish for it, an explanation as well."

"Oh? Well, yeah. I suppose that does make some sense," says Dareaca. Fial says, "What's wrong, Dad?" I sip on my own tea and groan, "This is the bit I am uncertain about. It is not right for a father to burden his sons. On the other hand, it is my duty to ensure you are taught about matters beyond the classroom; the little things that one either spends going through their life like an ignorant arse, or realise for themselves after they fucked up. I'd rather none of you repeated my mistakes in the first place.

There is a lesson here for all of us, and I wish for you to be the best prepared I can manage for the trials to come." Unauthorized usage: this tale is on Amazon without the author's consent. Report any sightings.

"At this point you kinda have to tell us after building up to this so much!" says Luan. I look across at my boys with their earnest, curious faces, and smile. They're adults now and it would be best if I trusted them to be smart enough to know I do not blame them for my troubles.

"In the past six months I have almost died twice. I was angry because when I saw the three of you laughing while our people corralled the exploding, spinning vessels, it felt like you were laughing at me. That your Dad had almost died to keep you safe and you did not care." My sons go still and pale, losing their smiles and I hate it. I continue, "I know you were not laughing at me. I know that my inadvertent association is because I am no longer sound of mind or soul. Knowing, however, does not help.

It does not change that I am sick. It does not change that I was angry with you all for the wrong reason, even if it took me three weeks to figure out why I was so upset.

"I am telling you this because I trust you to handle these truths appropriately. I am telling you this because I feel comfortable enough in your presence to admit that I am troubled. You are not to blame for my anger. You are not to blame for that which you did not know.

"Last, I am admitting to my difficulties because I am desperate for you to understand that the motivations of people are myriad. They are not always logical and reasonable. People often do not understand themselves or their motivations yet their experiences may have them act in an unexpected manner.

"This goes for double outside of the Stellar Fleet with its ordered society and obligatory confessions. You're going to face a lot of unexpected anger and hate. Anger and hate from people who are so suppressed that they do not know what to do with it and may lash out when you least expect it.

"I urge you to take my experience and be cautious. I spent decades reminding myself not to get over confident, but I still was, I still almost died, and then I took it out on the people I love the most because, even with all my years, I did not know what to do and was unwilling to admit that I am in trouble. I did not want you to worry, and instead I caused a different problem by hiding away from myself and my family.

"I want you to remember that even from the other side of the galaxy, I trust you and have your back. It doesn't matter if I make a mistake, or if I am angry or annoyed at you, myself, or anyone else. I will still help you.

"I hope that you remember when you were uncertain if you should reach out or not, to do so anyway, for otherwise nothing changes, for better, or for ill. I hope for a lot of things and they all revolve around our family.

"No matter how far we are apart, I will still love you." I feel pathetic, yet I cannot stop the tears rolling down my cheeks. Why should it matter if I cry? Science even tells me this is a good thing! Yet shame and embarrassment burns deep within my chest alongside my sorrow for I feel I have shown weakness even as I know my words have taken great strength to say. My boys stare at me in shock, like their whole world has shattered. I don't think they've ever seen an adult cry before.

Dareaca shuffles around to my side and pats my back, "Er, there, there Dad. It's OK. We forgive you and we won't be gone forever." I laugh and sob at the same time, then, with a few deep breaths, straighten my expression and wipe my tears.

"I appreciate the effort, Dareaca."

"Hey! That's what you say when someone sucks at something!" says Dareaca.

"No, no. Not at all. You did good. I already feel much better." Dareaca says, "Really?" The scepticism is thick with this one.

"Yes, truly."

"I bet," says Luan.

"That's one hell of a weight to toss from your chest. Your words were... hard to listen to, Dad. I'm glad you said them. It's difficult to see you as anything other than invincible. You're our Dad, you know? The guy that helps us stand on our own feet without ever questioning if he should, or what it would cost him, so we never did either."

"Luan, you are brilliant. You too, Fial, Dareaca." I sniff and brush my cheeks a second time.

"See? You're already coming to new ideas and conclusions that I hadn't even thought of." Fial says, "Dad! No more please. This is horribly embarrassing and it's only us here!"

"Bah! If I want to cry because we are parting from each other, I shall do so."

"However did you get in this state, Dad? Didn't you literally just say everyone goes to confession, even you? I know this isn't the right moment to ask, but I just can't help myself." I choke and laugh at the same time. It isn't pretty.

"Confession, or therapy, requires the patient to admit they have a problem, or for the priest to have the courage to coax answers from a man who could kill them with an angry glance. In this particular case, the problem lay with me."

"You'll talk properly now though, won't you?" says Dareaca.

"I will."

"Good," says Luan.

"I don't want to have to listen to such words a second time." I say, "The whole point of needing to talk about issues is to do so! I won't cover this subject again with you all though. With that in mind, is there anything any of you would like to say?"

"Er, sorry for messing about during the celebrations?" says Dareaca.

"Apology accepted. Make sure you apologise to your sister too. She was watching souls get snatched up by Warp entities while you giggled in the background. Alpia is not happy with you." Luan rubs a hand down his face, "Fuuuuuck. I did not think of that. Now I get why our laughter set you off. It would have sounded like we were possessed cultists or something. Laughter of the ever thirsting gods and all that." I say, "Don't even joke about it!"

"Levity helps me cope," says Luan with a sigh.

"Especially when I don't know what to say. Isn't that what you taught us all to do? Always look on the bright side of life? You even had a stupid song to go with it."

"I did," I smile.

"To both of those things. You will need to work on your routine. After all, comedy is all about timing." Luan tuts, "Hypocrite." He yawns, "Alright. I'm done. I don't have any special words to say." Dareaca and Luan stare at Fial for a moment.

"Oh! It's my turn, huh?" Fial covers his mouth with his hand and ponders for a moment. He removes his hand and says, "You're right. This is difficult, Luan." Fial frowns then shakes his head, "Never mind. There's only one thing that really matters. I love you too, Dad." I grin, "Thank you, Fial. That's exactly what I wanted to hear."