Chương 181: So It Goes

The crystal teleported me somewhere in the woods near Viswa. It must have been chilly, because my breath fogged the air. It was damp, and a slight fog spread all throughout the forest, as far as I could see (which wasn't far, due to the fog). The trees looked amazing, also from up close. The combination of reds and golds was really beautiful, and the crisp autumn smell was very pleasant. This was so very much not like Graecia.

I kind of doubted this was their usual teleportation spot, since they obviously wouldn't want me to know where that was. Maybe they switched it around so I wouldn't be able to set a trap for them. That's what I'd do, at least. We quickly exited the woods and I could already see Viswa, this meant it was only a short walk back to town, which I was grateful for. I didn't use [Haste] because I wanted to gather my thoughts and bounce some ideas off Vasil.

"So what do you think?" I asked Vasil.

"It is dangerous," he said from my satchel.

"Very dangerous."

"But is it worth it?"

"Ehh… I am afraid the risk of being exposed is quite large. There are so many variables, it will be hard to account for all of them. There will be many, many eyes on you, and you do stand out no matter what you do. That is just how you are."

"Buuut, getting a super rare super powerful runeword would be very good."

"I agree. I have heard the runewords given out to the victor are very powerful indeed. I have even heard claims that Stvora creates a unique one for each tournament, and that he increases the potency for those who offer him the most."

"So more blood means a better runeword?"

"That is what they say. It is called The Offering for a reason. I do not believe that killing someone is penalized, but sparing your opponent, while of course bleeding them significantly, might earn you some goodwill. It also demonstrates control and skill."

"I guess so." I scratched the back of my head.

"People tend to get all explody on me, though. It's kind of hard to tell how strong someone is before the bullet actually hits them, and when it does, it's too late. Then they're just all over the place."

"Perhaps it is time you learned some control then," Vasil said.

"It is always good to be able to exercise restraint. To be able to hit exactly as hard as you intend to. It will prevent unfortunate accidents, and it will surely come in handy at some point. Not every problem requires a mallet."

"Yeah, most of them require a bullet."

"That is not what I—you are jesting."

"A little bit," I said, laughing.

"I know, I know. You're right. I've just gotten so much stronger in such a short amount of time, that it's hard to figure out just how hard I hit. And it's not like I can see levels."

"At least you can now decide the amount of extra damage [Generous Gift] provides. That is a good start."

"Yeah. So, we're really doing this, huh?"

"You already said you would. I do not believe it is wise to go back on your word when dealing with Banda Masvih."

"And he did give me a runestone. Exactly the one I wanted, in fact. I wonder if I can make Bies' chest or legs runeword now. Let me think. Bies' Pledge requires Wave, Cloud, Clover, Poison, Vortex. Do we have all of those? Check your… inventory? What do I call it? Check your guts? What do your guts tell you?" Vasil was silent for a moment.

"You do not have Wave, unfortunately. You do have three Cloud runes, one Clover, two Poison, one Vortex." I punched the air.

"Maaaan, so close! Bies' Embrace requires Ice, Clover, Poison, Wave, Vortex, so that one's out as well. What a bummer. I really need to get a Wave stone."

"Or you could just switch back to your old gear instead of this dress." A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation. I pulled him out of my satchel and threw him onto the ground.

"You can walk the rest of the way."

"Ow! What was that for?" he asked, rubbing his butt.

"For suggesting I wear anything other than dresses."

"When we first met you were not wearing a dress."

"I totally was! A chiton is a type of dress! You have eyes! Did it not look dressy?" He bobbed his head.

"I suppose you are right."

"Yeah. As usual. And no, I will wear only nice clothes from now on. I am the mayor. Besides, I gave Kasia my old gear. It will at least offer her some protection if something bad happens. Not something bad like a guy shooting some kind of beam that pierces everything like the other day, but it should stop arrows at least. I really don't want her to get hurt again."

"I understand. You did the right thing. That was very kind of you."

"I know."

"You could always ask your followers if they have a spare Wave rune," Vasil suggested.

"Already asked them to hand over all their runestones. For the good of the Order, of course. Too bad they didn't have any. I told them to keep an eye out, just in case."

"I see. Chances are we will be able to purchase some on our way back to the cathedral. We will pass several towns. Wave is of uncommon rarity, so there is hope."

"What about another Clover?"

"There is less hope of finding one of those. They are already rare, and people tend to keep them to themselves, because they believe them to be lucky… which they are, since they give Luck."

"Unlucky for me." Vasil laughed a bit at that one.

"So it goes." I stopped walking.

"I gained a level as well." He nodded.

"As did I." I opened up my status screen and was immediately bummed out again.

"I totally forgot I only get a skill point every five levels now."

"But did you get double the stat points?"

"I did. Now I have six of those bad boys to spend. What do you think? Dexterity or Stamina?"

"Why not both?" He was right, I could do both. So I put three points into Dexterity, taking it to 45, and three into Stamina, taking it to 23. It kind of felt liberating being able to sort of carelessly assign stat points like that. I didn't feel like I had to choose as much. Which I suppose I didn't, since I had double the points to spend now. Not having to choose a new skill every level also took a bit of pressure off me.

Being able to focus more on what I did have was nice, and I looked forward to upgrading the skills that I was using anyway. My build was fun and powerful. Now all I needed was some more crafting abilities, I had promised Ambelios I'd take a look, and I was planning on doing just that. Would I be able to craft teleportation crystals as well, or would I be limited to crafting things related to firearms? I had no idea.

And then there was the question whether I should do it on the road back to the cathedral, or wait until I got there and take my time. Somehow my thoughts drifted to Menekrates. After all this time I still didn't feel much closer to killing him. Maybe I felt even further away than when I started on this journey of revenge. There were days when I didn't even think about him… or about Perry. A pang of shame shot through me after realizing that. When had that happened? When did I stop thinking about Perry all the time?

His memory still hurt—of course it did—just not as much as it used to, and that felt incredibly unfair. It should hurt more. It should always hurt like it did at the start.

"Hecate?" Vasil asked.

"Are you alright?" The world blurred for a moment.

"I—Yes—I don't know."

"What is wrong?"

"It doesn't hurt enough!" He hopped closer to me and put his little hands on my leg.

"Hecate, what do you mean?"

"Perry!" I cried.

"I can't feel him like before. I'm scared he's slipping away. I don't want him to! I don't want to be fine. I want to be sad, I want to be broken. I should be broken. He deserves that much for all he did for me. But the more time goes on… there are days where I don't even think of him. I feel so ashamed, Vasil. I feel like I'm betraying him by being alright." I sat down on the ground and rubbed my eyes.

"Why am I like this?"

"Oh, Hecate," he said as he jumped on my lap and gave me what I can only describe as a frog's attempt at giving me a hug. The ridiculousness of it all made me laugh and cry at the same time and I quickly wiped the snot from my nose.

"I am sure Perry is happy that you are alright," he said, still hugging me with his stubby little arms.

"He would want you to be. He was your friend. He would not want you to be sad all the time. This is just how it goes. Believe me, I understand how you feel. I have felt the same many times before. There are days I do not think about Zosia either. There are days where I feel better, and there are days when I feel worse. I do not think the pain of their absence is a good measure for how much we cared for them or how much we miss them.

We honor them by carrying them with us, by remembering them, not by how much we suffer." He looked up at me and I saw he was crying as well.

"It is good to heal. It is normal that these feelings fade. It is alright, Hecate." I wiped at my eyes.

"Then why doesn't it feel alright?"

"That is the guilt inside of you. The guilt for being the one who lived. Perhaps you also feel guilt for not having avenged Perry yet. Those exact thoughts have kept me going for a very long time. It was not until I met you and Kasia that they lessened. On some days they never even surface. I have come to realize that this is simply part of healing. Accepting what has happened. You cannot be angry and hurt all the time. You should not want to be. They would not want us to be."

"I will still kill Menekrates. I promised Perry I would. I promised…"

"And what will you do after?" That, I did not know.