Chương 1

The office was suddenly upside down, and my hand hanging on the jungle vine was the only way between me and death. I didn't know where to look. I started with the floor—the ceiling now. It cratered as a dozen coworkers fell down into impaling, sharp branches down below. I suddenly felt a shift and a desk, that had been bolted to the floor was unclasped from the floor with two sharp metallic claps. That's when I noticed that the office was tilted—not exactly upside down—and that the desk barreled down my way.

"Fuck me in the ass," I muttered, hoping this wouldn't result in an HR writeup, and I pushed with both legs against another bolted desk. This desk, too, almost supernaturally, lost two of its bolts and started craning forward.

"Goddammit!" A reliable office is a good office, the CEO had said after bolting the desks to the ground so they couldn't be shuffled around. I was never so grateful to that motherfucker as I dodged the incoming desk by a hair. I spun around, holding the vine with both hands, starting to feel tired, and saw Gina holding for dear life to her desk, sobbing uncontrollably. I looked at her. She was holding a coffee mug with ducks on it–a gift she had given me some time ago.

Given the insane circumstances, I had almost forgotten that she had gone out to get me some coffee while I finished my work at the desk. I looked at the coffee staining her fuzzy sweater–it was pink, with a half-mangled star on it. Had she said she had made it for herself? I… I couldn't remember. Gina, the awkward secretary with glasses an inch thick and a boy band poster right by her desk.

I could see her removable braces on her teeth–I think she once said the dentist told her to wear them all the time but that she was ashamed of wearing them at the office. I believe I told her they suited her. She soon started wearing them every day in the office, often smiling at me. She screamed in panic and awkwardly at me, voice impaired by the braces, "John, what is happening?!" Before I could form any response, however, the world suddenly froze while she was open-mouthed, bawling her eyes out.

A cheesy announcing voice resounded in my head. Your world has been marked for Planetary Conquest! Congratulations! I blinked. Congratulations? For what? I stared at Gina, trying to move my body with all my strength. That damn desk wouldn't hold for long. But I was frozen. I wanted to scream, to thrash around, to do something, anything! But… nothing happened. The announcer continued its explanation. The Sorvos Empire has declared your planet as a conquest target.

However, since I, your friendly and neighbourly AI, has declared such a conflict unfair, you have been seleeeected for the Tutorial Dungeon! After completing the Tutorial Dungeon, your race will begin the engagement in the Interplanetary WA—A—A—R! Then came a legal disclosure that was spoken so fast it would put an insurance company to shame. I barely got a word of what it said. Legal Disclosure: all Interplanetary engagements must respect the Interuniverse Federation AI's rules.

Entrance Test performance is assessed under Federation Standard §77-C (Conduct, Cooperation, Creativity). Assessment-based considerations, if any, are disbursed to surviving participants only, in accordance with Federation Disbursement Directive 4-401(k). The Federation assumes no liability for injury, death, bereavement, or assessment outcomes. Assessments are final. No appeals. Anyway, to make sure you get the right o—o—opportunities, the entire Tutorial Dungeon—and its subsequent conflict—will be streamed!

It went on in a sweet, almost grandfatherly voice, trying to be reassuring and warm, while my eyes were still frozen on the terrified Gina. Aren't you excited to be inducted into the Interuniverse Federation with such great opportunities in front of you? Not everybody gets them, you know? Some people go straight into conflict and, well, death. You should consider yourself lucky, bud. That last bit felt personal, almost as if it was saying it directly to me. Then, it went back to its cheesy announcer voice. Anyways!

You have been all put in a little bind at the very start of the Tutorial to prove your worth! We can't allow just anybody to take advantage of the Interuniverse Federation AI System and its resources, can we? Unauthorized duplication: this tale has been taken without consent. Report sightings. So, get out of whatever bind you found yourself in by finding the EXIT! And when you do, you'll get to the first flo—o—o—r! Time abruptly resumed, marked by Gina's loud screams.

"HELP! PLEASE, JOHN!" I looked at her and then I felt the buzzing of a light coming on. I craned my neck, pushed with my feet against the now more angled wall, and saw a distant emergency door with a bright 'EXIT' green neon right above it.

"Ok," I told myself.

"I got this." I turned and screamed, "Gina, hang on, I'm—" I turned to see Gina scream and fall onto the sharp branches below; one of them punched right through her throat, and I instinctively looked away.

"Fuck," I said, feeling sick.

"What the fuck?!" Oh, and I forgot to tell you! You only have five minutes to get to the exit… well, now four minutes and twenty-one, twenty, nineteen…

"You piece of shit–Gina!" I swore in frustration at the AI and myself, "FUCK! Is anybody alive?!" That's when a chorus of voices responded.

"John! We're here!" I saw a group of four people all hanging off similar vines right on the other side of the large office room. My co-workers who were probably coming back from the coffee break I skipped to get some extra work in. Perhaps, to feel like what I did somehow mattered, that it could help people. In reality, it probably didn't. Our company did mostly HVAC custom designs for office buildings. Very well paid, don't get me wrong.

But the reason I did so much volunteering, so many activities outside of work, was because I wanted to help. I wanted to, however shameful that sounds, be important for people... I had always wanted a purpose. A timer appeared at the top right corner of my vision. 4: 05 4: 04"You gotta be kidding me," I muttered under my breath as I looked at them, right in the opposite direction of the EXIT door.

My instincts told me to run, to abandon the group, but a better instinct tried to reason with me, telling me that the more the merrier in what looked like the literal apocalypse-cum-interplanetary-war. That's when, amidst their screams, I turned to the walls. I saw that similar to the vine that I had gotten out of nowhere, sprouting from the floor-turned-ceiling, many more were taped to the wall.

On the way to the exit, though, up to me, the vines were all free and dangling like candy sticks right in front of my eyes.

"Guys, let's jump on the desks!" I immediately snapped my head back to the one screaming, Marcus, our project manager.

"Marcus, stay right the fuck where you are!" I shouted at the top of my lungs.

"The bolts are coming off! If you jump on those, you'll die! We have to free the goddamn vines!" To show them, against my better judgment, I swung out into open air and grabbed a vine from the nearest wall, untaping it from its ridiculous white paper tape and freeing it. I immediately knew what I had to do next to make this work in such a short time. I had seen Saw. If you're a selfish asshole, you die. This is a Saw problem. Or so I hoped. If this is a reverse-Saw, I swear to God…

I immediately interrupted the stream of negative thoughts and got to work. If this is a Saw problem, there's only one way to solve it. Before the vine I just freed could swing away, I grabbed it like a monkey and swung to the next, untaping it, then the next. But there were almost two dozen between our groups.

"Guys, get to the vines!" I shouted. Finally, seeing what I was doing, Lucas, another engineer like me, swung his vine toward the nearest one on the wall and untaped it, letting it dangle, and then, he grabbed it, and moved to the next, just like I was doing. Reluctantly and unsure, the rest of the crew followed. 3: 15 3: 14"I better get a goddamn raise for this!" I shouted, not knowing how else to calm my nerves as my sweaty hands failed to untape a vine.

"What do you mean?!" Marcus shouted.

"Christ, nothing, Marcus! Just get over here!" 2: 34 Finally, Lucas and I met. He exchanged a nod with me and hopped on the vine I just freed. The one I had just freed and his were side to side, so he skipped and went ahead. Lucas was a climber in his free time—it made sense that he had so much strength in his arms. Mine? I was beyond amazed that I wasn't dead already. The AI must have done something. There's no way I have enough strength for this vine jumping shit. Marcus followed behind Lucas.

After them, Hailey and Tina. The girls were not creating enough momentum and couldn't jump from vine to vine with one swing. It took them, like, four. I watched in silence as they struggled, watching the clock at the corner of my eye, and I immediately thought. They're not going to make it in time.

"I need a goddamn promotion," I swore under my breath, and swung far and then back, ending up on a vine behind a struggling Tina.

"Tina, I need you to trust me that this is strictly for your survival!"

"What?!"

"Hold on tight!" I swung backward as much as I could and, raising my legs, I kicked both shoes into Tina's butt, sending her much ahead of Hailey. Tina, thankfully, managed to grab the vine in front of her, panting and screaming. Hailey was slack-jawed, but I kicked her ass next and hopped vines. 1: 19 1: 18 I kept kicking asses while Lucas kicked the handle on the emergency exit door and disappeared. In less than thirty seconds, only Tina, Hailey, and I were left. My muscles were screaming.

My hands were bleeding and slowly slipping on the blood and sweat.

"We're not going to make it!" Tina shouted, sobbing.

"Tina, shut the fuck up!" I screamed, kicking her butt so strong she burst four vines ahead. Then, I did the same with Hailey. 0: 19 0: 18"Come on!" I shouted. All my muscles were seizing. My joints ached. My neck ached from all the turning. Part of me said, are you sure that falling to your death is that bad?

"No negativity!" I said between my teeth as I kicked Tina so hard she slammed into the exit door and disappeared.

"I don't need a push, John! You're behind!" Hailey was only one vine from the prize. I was five. 0: 10 0: 09 I looked at the five vines between me and the exit and thought. Not enough time to go vine by vine. Hailey finally crossed as I reached vine four. 0: 08 I looked to the side and saw a cabinet. I took my feet to it and pushed with all my strength against it. 0: 05 But I didn't leave the vine when I was in front of vine three. I used all my muscles, all my balance, and swung back as fast as I could.

0: 04 I swung forward again, this time next to vine two. Not close enough. I got close to another cabinet, though, near vine two, and I kicked it. It shot me back.

"Come on, come on!" 0: 02 I shot forward and, when the vine was beyond vine two, I jumped. 0: 01 I was probably in the air for less than a fraction of a second. But flying toward the door, I wondered if I could reach it. I had slightly mistimed the jump. If I die like this— 0: 00