Chương 3: Gone, But Not Forgotten

What the hell. Without waiting another moment, Olivia reached over and pinched her arm. Then again, harder this time. She pinched herself until tears started welling at the corners of her eyes, and still the room around her didn't change a single bit. The only thing her efforts earned was a few red welts. Panic rising, she threw herself back into the bed and squeezed her eyes shut. Focusing on her real bed and her real house, she willed herself to wake up— really wake up.

All of this had been fun, but she was ready to get back to her life. But when she opened her eyes again, the scene still hadn't changed. She was still lying in her childhood bed. Alone. Olivia closed her eyes once more and tried to calm her breathing. This was no dream. At least, it wasn't anything like any dream Olivia had ever known. Nor did it seem like some sort of crazy hallucination. This was something else entirely. Slow down. Don't panic. Think this through.

She took in a deep breath, holding it for a handful of seconds before letting it slowly hiss out. After a few more repetitions, she had herself under control enough to at least evaluate the current situation. Although what she found didn't exactly reassure her. There were three main possibilities she could think of to explain what exactly was happening to her. The first was that this was, despite all appearances, still somehow a dream.

An impossible one with more sensations than any she'd ever had before, and one that she had no idea how to wake up from, but a dream nonetheless. The second was that she was in a coma or in the midst of some near-death experience, and this was essentially a hallucination of her life flashing before her eyes. In other words, a different kind of dream. Yet the third option… The last explanation was that she'd actually, by some impossible miracle, traveled back in time twenty years.

Olivia sat up in the bed and put her head in her hands. It was impossible. Utterly impossible. Yet how else could she explain all of this? As little sense as it made, everything else made even less. What happened to me? Why… Why is this happening? Did I somehow die? A pit opened in the base of her stomach. If she had gone back in time, then what had she left behind? Would her husband wake up to find her cold, lifeless corpse beside her? Would baby Hazel cry out for her mother, only for her to never arrive?

Would George and Cash suddenly find themselves without one of the central pillars of their lives, just like that? Or had something else taken her place, some sort of imposter that would slip into her now vacant place with no one the wiser? Or what if… what if that timeline just ended? What if it's all gone? Her breath caught. The kids. If she really had gone back in time, then they didn't exist. They wouldn't exist for at least a decade. Or… maybe they never would?

Olivia sat there for a long moment, staring at the wall. Her heart felt fragile, as though the slightest movement would see it crumble into a thousand tiny pieces. She and Jason had made so many sacrifices to reach the life they wanted. One where they didn't have to worry financially, where they had secured a future for their kids and would provide for them for years and years to come. One where she could afford to stay home and focus on raising and nurturing each one.

She had a house, a loving family, and stability. A husband whose love for their kids may have them surpassed her own. So many years ahead of them, to enjoy together and watch them grow… And now, it had all been ripped away. A wave of despair threatened to overwhelm her. Why… why me? Olivia slapped her cheeks. Stop it. Focus. Focus on the present. This isn't helping, and I don't have any way of figuring out that particular mystery right now anyway. I need to figure out what to do. It was easier said than done.

The defeatist slant colored her thoughts, smothering any rationality as it magnified all of the worst possible outcomes into self-evident goliaths that wouldn't be felled. She cursed herself for eating those pancakes. She'd always thought that her diabetes had developed while she was pregnant with George, but if not… It certainly would explain some things. Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

With an effort, she pushed aside the why's and the how's and all the other questions she couldn't even begin to fathom the answers to. All of that was thinking too far ahead, too broad in scope. She needed something she could work with right now. If only as a distraction. With a conscious straightening of her posture, Olivia let out another long exhale, then she got up and crossed to the desk, shuffling around papers until she found a blank one.

A pen clicked in her grip as she divided it in half, each side with a different header: "Same as before" and "Different." Ok. Think. I have a second chance at my life, whether I want it or not. If I were to do things differently… What would I do? Olivia quickly began jotting down ideas. Her family naturally went into the "Same as before" column, while the other quickly populated with other things. Using her future knowledge to make money, preventing major tragedies, spending more time learning skills…

The usual suspects when one thought of a redo. The list grew and grew, and in minutes her pen was at the bottom of the page. Yet as she sat back and stared at the lists, Olivia couldn't help but frown. At some point the items in the "Different" column went from matters of immense importance to… not that. Minor things, like keeping in touch with an old friend or keeping some of her old video games instead of selling them for pennies on the dollar. There were plenty of them, sure, but…

Her gaze drifted back to the first column and the four names written there. Four names that somehow managed to outweigh the dozens and dozens of entries beside them. She'd never asked for a redo. Her life had been great. Sure, there had been ups and downs, rough patches and trials just like with anyone else. But all of that had served to make her the woman she was today, helped her grow and develop. There wasn't one bit of it that she would have truly changed, given the opportunity. Not with where she'd ended up.

The thought gave way to another, more concerning one. If she was wrong and everything was somehow still a dream—an unlikely possibility, but one she clung to nonetheless—then Olivia could do whatever she wanted. She could do something insane like burn down a forest and, regardless of how realistic the flames felt, it would have no lasting consequences to herself or anyone else. But if she was right, if she somehow actually had gone back in time… Then everything mattered. Everything.

She looked at the names of her family again. If she went about changing things without thinking, who was to say that she'd end up on the same path as last time? That she'd meet her husband, get married and have kids? And even if that did happen, would they be the same ones that she loved so fiercely? The same people? Hell, who's to say he'd even date me again in the first place? I'm a completely different person compared to when we first met. And he won't be the same man I know and love, either.

He'll have lost a couple decades' worth of personal growth and maturity, even if I'll still love him. Though maybe there's no chance of getting the same outcomes as last time, anyway… Olivia had to stop herself from spiraling once more. But the thought stuck in her mind like a particularly stubborn splinter. One made even more difficult to dislodge because of its implications.

If she wanted any chance of seeing her family again— her family—then she'd need to make this life as close as humanly possible to her last one. That meant no introducing revolutionary tech before its time or trying to steer the world on a better path with her foreknowledge. This would be a redo in the truest sense, where she did her best to follow in her own footsteps—even when they led to mistakes. Well, mostly. I'm not dumb enough to think that I can actually just match my old life perfectly.

Even if I did remember it well enough to try, there's no way I'd be able to eat the same meals and say the same words to the same people. It would be stupid to even think that. But so long as I keep the broad strokes and important details consistent, then maybe…? It was a crazy proposition. One that might not even work. Who was to say that the changes she'd already made wouldn't ripple out, completely altering the world from here on? … But it's the best chance I've got. It was all she had.

The only lifeline for her to cling to. She nibbled on her thumbnail and froze. The nail was ragged along its edge, not the clean arc that it should have been. For some reason, that reminder of her past self caught her particularly off guard. Slowly lowering her hand, she absentmindedly felt at the ragged nail instead. Her grip on the pen tightened. Maybe she would wake up. Maybe this would all prove to be little more than a horrifying nightmare, as unlikely as it seemed.

She'd roll over, cling to Jason, tell him that she loved him a few dozen times, and remind herself of just how lucky she was. But until that happened… she couldn't assume that she'd go back. Breathe. Just… breathe. Olivia still had no idea what had happened or why. Not to her of all people, when there were so many others who would leap at a chance like this. But it hardly mattered. This was her life now, and she'd be damned if she messed it up. Closing her eyes briefly, Olivia willed herself awake one more time.

When the room around her didn't change, she gave a final sigh of resignation. Then, she began to plan.